It came without ribbons; A survivor Christmas

The Grinch: It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes, or bags.

Narrator: The the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before.

The Grinch: Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas...

Narrator: He thought

The Grinch: ...means a little bit more.

Fahoo Fores Dahoo Dores

Welcome Christmas Come this way

Fahoo Fores Dahoo Dores

Welcome Christmas, Christmas day

Welcome, welcome fahoo ramus

Welcome, welcome dahoo damus

Christmas day is in our grasp,

So long as we have hands to clasp

Fahoo fores dahoo dores

Welcome Christmas bring your cheer

Fahoo fores dahoo dores

Welcome all Whos far and near

Welcome Christmas fahoo ramus

Welcome Christmas dahoo damus

Christmas time will always be,

just as long as we have glee

Fahoo Fores Dahoo Dores

Welcome Christmas bring your light

Fahoo Fores Dahoo Dores

Welcome in the cold dark night

Welcome Christmas fahoo ramus

Welcome Christmas dahoo damus

Welcome Christmas while we stand,

Heart to Heart and Hand in Hand

Fahoo Fores Dahoo Dores

Welcome Christmas,

Christmas Day!

It came without ribbons; A survivor Christmas

     This year one of the important things I learned about how to get through the Holiday season was to be nice to myself. I think this has been said many times by others but to actually have that "aha" moment for yourself it suddenly becomes more than a self help saying. Perhaps others have felt similarly about the advice of be nice to yourself. My reaction has always been "okay...".  Having grown up in an abusive family where the idea of being loved by others feels strange, stranger yet is the idea of self love. How are you supposed to do something when you have no idea what it is? I have struggled with this a lot but this year happily stumbled onto something that finally helped me get a grasp on the self love thing.

     It started with Thanksgiving when I decided to have a traditional dinner, with a large turkey despite it being only two of us. When you are estranged from a dysfunctional family it can feel like you don't get to do all those normal Holiday things, that somehow having a family is required like a license to participate. And when you are the one choosing to have those firm yet difficult boundaries leading to estrangement; it can feel like  you are choosing self exile and therefore deserve to be punished. Then from there it is easy to think that you don't deserve those Holiday traditions associated with family because you are without one. I for one have felt like I somehow deserved to feel bad for the estrangement and that because it was my choice it's my fault. 

Serving the full traditional dinner for Thanksgiving flipped that script. I felt like it didn't matter how silly it seemed to have so much food, or that I did not have a huge family event to participate in. I felt for the first time by doing it anyway that I was not punishing myself. I also felt for the first time what self kindness feels like. And in looking at that I am starting to see a way of looking at self love. When trying to figure out what self love feels like; there is often an underlying message we have learned that says we don't deserve love and shouldn't be nice to ourselves. I didn't think this directly, it was on an unconscious level that the thought existed. The thought that said I didn't deserve a beautiful big Holiday dinner because I was estranged from family and it was all my fault. The other thing I began to realize is that I was shouldering all the blame just like I always have. Yes estrangement is my choice, but all the actions on the other parties part that made it necessary for estrangement is not. It is not my fault that those actions created a hostile and toxic relationship environment and were impacting my health in every way imaginable. When it comes to health and sanity I feel like it's not actually a real choice, and if anyone ever asks you to choose between that and a relationship with them, there was no real relationship to begin with. People who love you would not ask you to do that, and the bad behaviors would be stopped. 

     Christmas this year came quietly and left quietly. It came without a lot of hustle and bustle of a large family event that would have occurred in the past. There was no lack of ups and downs emotionally. I had to give myself leave at certain points to just hate the whole Holiday. I also expressed sorrow, grief and then got angry again when I remembered family Christmases past. The night before Christmas Eve and the day of were particularly rough. I had some good moments of peace and then emotions would shift again. I went to bed Christmas Eve still somewhat loathing the whole experience. I surprisingly woke up  feeling much more cheerful Christmas day. I actually think I can attribute that to feeling so miserable the day prior, and feeling and venting all the emotions instead of stuffing it. I didn't ruin anyone's Christmas with all my feelings either, my spouse is very supportive and did not accuse me of being an emotional drain or ruining the holiday, having a bad attitude as I might have been if I were with family.  That in itself was an important discovery, after years of having to stuff emotions or get in trouble or be accused of having a bad attitude and ruining things for others, nothing bad happened when I chose to acknowledge how I felt and go with it.

    It was important to do whatever I needed to do this year, and celebrate in the way's I felt like, even if that meant not doing some things. I didn't have any set schedule of things I had to do this year and this gave me flexibility to take each part of the two days as it came. It was my focus and intention though to make sure I got out of the house with spouse, so I wouldn't end up sitting in a quiet house all day without my noisy boisterous family. That helps to keep away the assumption that because I am without family that I can't go out and do fun Holiday activities (more self love and belief that I deserve nice things regardless of family or not).

     One of the things I did find difficult was finding meaning in the Holiday. Previous years Christmas would have been a highly ritualized occasion, steeped in family tradition. The meaning and focus was entirely surrounding them, and the birth of Jesus, but mostly around them. I have also had a lot of trouble with the beliefs handed down to me and have spent the last few years trying to re-define God outside of the rigid fundamentalism I was brought up with. And even more recently I have begun to question the existence of God, and trying to rectify this entity who is supposed to be supremely loving with all the petulant behavior documented in the Bible. To say the least I am at a huge exploration point of my beliefs. And when you begin to ask those questions; the power of Christmas as a spiritual Holiday can lose some of its potency. It had left me wondering how to feel about Christmas if I were not celebrating the birth of Jesus. What else is there? Santa Clause? Family? 

     In the live version of the animated classic "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" the Grinch sees that even by taking away all of the Who's gifts Christmas still comes. Everyone in Whoville comes together to celebrate, join hands and sing. Here is a Christmas without the focus on the birth of Jesus and we even see that presents and Santa Claus do not affect its existence either. Christmas came, it came just the same.  Stripping away the commercialism and focusing on what is important, the Who's learn that it is family and friends who are most important. But if you do not have family to celebrate with, deriving meaning from Christmas becomes harder. How do you find enough things in your life to celebrate and make meaningful?

      Lists of gratitude are helpful, but if you are like me you have to stumble into it to so it becomes something more personal than just a favored platitude. I think I started first with being ungrateful, and going with the flow of all my emotions as I mentioned earlier. Simply moving from whatever emotions you are going through straight to gratitude does not allow for acknowledging that what you are feeling is important, and that it is your feelings and there is nothing wrong with them. If you just shut if off and start telling yourself to be grateful you are internalizing all that emotion and doing to yourself the same thing your family probably did to you- tell you to stuff it and get over it.

My moment of being grateful came much later during the Christmas day, and it was because I realized that even though it was just my spouse and myself I still actually had much more than I had ever had before. In a way I have more family because my spouse actually loves me. I have health that has only continued to improve since departing from my family. I have confidence and more mental clarity than ever before. I actually have more of a real loving Christmas with my spouse even if a tiny Christmas, than I would if I were still with my family. I may have stress and panic programs, but it actually pales in comparison to how I would be feeling if I had to spend the holidays with family. I realized that I actually come out with way more.

     I also stumbled into things that were unexpectedly meaningful. Even without all the ribbons, tags, or birth of a savior and a huge family gathering I had a warm and cozy day with my spouse, cinnamon rolls and coffee and a day to sleep in and relax and do some nice things we might not normally do. Cinnamon rolls are not a usual thing for us, so it is a huge treat to sit together Christmas morning with gobs of sticky sweetness and our coffee, and relish that outside the dysfunctional family chaos; we have peace on earth and in our home.   

Christmas

Can I just hate Christmas? Please?

Every year no matter what I do, I go to bed December 23 full of tension and anxiety. I wake up with my stomach in knots and will continue to feel that way till after December 25th. I hate it.
I lay in bed last night breathing deep and trying to concentrate on the feelings that were bubbling up while trying to stave off a complete panic attack. I did reach a small point of success when I found another unconscious idea I had about Christmas.

     I found that a lot of the anxiety was rooted in fear about not being able to predict what would happen, and fear about needing to be a certain way, be in a certain place or something really bad would happen. This would make sense if the magical spell of Christmas was predicated upon my parents moods, and how they thought we were behaving. Libby Anne has written about how in fundamentalist Christian families you must go cheerfully and willingly with a smile on your face. If you were angry, grumpy or anything else you could be said to have a bad attitude that was displeasing to God and disrespectful to your parents. In reality when it came to Christmas a bad attitude could very well be punished with no presents, being isolated from company etc. I believe this was very much a reality in my home, you just didn't know if you were not perfectly well behaved. And with abusive often vindictive parents what this good behavior looks like depends on their mood and whether or not you've pissed them off.

      So imagine a mini version of me going into this holiday with all of the following things: I must have a good attitude, be obedient, not be hyper or obnoxious, I must be grateful. Then add onto that the probable rejection of my Christmas present to Vaarsuvius, and the disappointment and broken heart from getting gifts from them that were unkind, or seemed to show they didn't know me at all. That's what happens when a Narcissist goes gift shopping. Then also imagine that I am starved for attention and affection and this may be the only time of year were I get to have other family or friends visit. I was also starved for love and kept hoping to get that out of all our Christmas festivities. And with Christmas being one of those few special times during the year were things might be cheerful I was so starved for that I would try to hang onto it for dear life. But as I mentioned above imagine that this one super sacred thing is predicated on the whims of two narcissist abusers, and their interpretations of fundamentalist parenting. Then imagine that they stir up drama and strife and even potentially pit myself and Other child against one another or potentially one of them will try to pit us against the other. Christmas was better than most of the rest of the year, but it didn't change my parents into saints and angels either. There was still all those abusive dynamics.  

     So even though I have seen Christmas through rose colored glasses as this one magical time of year, I think I see now how much it could also be miserable. I used to think that my anxiety stemmed from over excitement, but I am starting to re-consider. I think the excitement portion is completely eclipsed by the all out panic. I have been going through this panic/anxiety attack about Christmas since I was five or younger. And the issue was only added to by the ongoing shaming by Vaarsuvius for having a problem, and for not being able to calm down and relax. They treated me as over emotional and were practically rolling their eyes. And then I also became an inconvenience from being distressed.

     I also had to hide the mess, anything they did or said that was hurtful or disappointing had to be hidden or I risked being punished for reacting or having a bad attitude. And the anxiety around gifts and trying to mask disappointment was huge. Opening gifts you are on show in front of everyone, so you better believe I pasted a smile on my face and feigned nothing but gratitude no matter what I got or feigned grace when Vaarsuvius was unkind about the gift I picked for them. The underlying pressure comes from the fundamentalist parenting philosophies as well as trying to avoid setting off two narcissist abusers, you had to walk on eggshells. And part of being able to walk on eggshells well is to know where they are, and to try and predict things as best as possible. You can't predict what is in an unopened present, you have to be prepared to just react with a smile. Then while I could predict a lot of my parents moods and whims, their own issues/holiday stress could set them off and they could lash out or be controlling, and unpredictably so. So I think I did the best I could or shrunk into a tiny anxious ball. I wonder to how much this is some crazy self protection program- be sick, anxious, and curl up into a ball. I would not have been much of a threat or target to pick on.

     I did feel a lot of pressure release as I figured some of this out, but the anxiety program is strong. It gets set off by the mere fact that it is an anniversary effect/ seasonal. I keep doing everything I can to shift it, to change things so the program does not run like it has. I opened my last few presents this morning instead of feeling like a little kid having to patiently wait and repeat all those feelings I would have had growing up. It helped quite a bit, but there is still some lingering anxiety and panic. I keep trying to dig through it and see what it is then shift accordingly.

I wish anyone else going through this the very best, and my complete empathy. You are not alone! Merry Christmas.
Sincerely,
Nora

The spell Christmas would cast

     Pat Conroy wrote an article for Southern living about his Christmas memories, and about his father The great Santini. It really struck me how similar a view we have looking back on Christmas's past. Like Conroy, in my childhood home it was as if time stopped just for Christmas. It was like the rules of reality changed just for a moment. For the most part is was like nothing bad could enter this time capsule, like it was sacred ground and all fighting ceased because everyone shared this feeling of sacredness.

      The times this sacredness came into question and things were a little rocky was because we all put so much emphasis on its importance. We had differing views of what elements had to be there for this picture perfect Christmas, and if anyone deviated it was like invoking a curse and there was this incredible superstitious feeling that the Christmas spell would then be broken. Sometimes one of us would occasionally want to do something different and re-define what Christmas looked like, but it usually created chaos and animosity. Sometimes the dynamics of the abusive family would creep in, but for my part I would just try harder to cling to the sacredness of Christmas and block out everything else. It was a hyper focus, like I was clutching to it for deal life and survival. Often it really was about survival, the magic of the Holiday's was something to keep you going through the rest of the year, something good to look forward to and focus on so you could wear blinders to everything else.

     The way in which Conroy describes his father, The Great Santini and his ritual at Christmas actually reminds me of one of my parents who did things almost in a similar way "Dad would take his chair of honor and say "I won't even wake up until I have had my first cup of coffee" (...) Dad would moan and stretch and take his time as he sipped his coffee with infuriating slowness (...) finally, he would grab a present. He would study the tag as though it were written in the language of Cherokees and say on his one terrific day of the year, "To Tom, from Satan Claus," and a shout of joy would go up from the children of The Great Santini."
 I always favored sitting on the arm ends of the couch, while Other Parent took a center place by our Christmas tree. A tree which we had all gone to get together, another sacred family ritual. We would get it in the truck and on the way home, as they did every year; Other Parent declared "This is the best tree we have ever had". There was also the sneaky ritual Other Parent, Other child and I would do together; trying to get the largest tallest tree we could without Vaarsuvius realizing it. This actually worked because a tree doesn't always look that big surrounded by other trees and with no ceiling to measure its height by. Other Parent would stand by our tree on Christmas eve and hand out presents that we were only allowed to pile at our feet until everyone had all of their gifts. They always threatened that we would have to wait to open them Christmas day or that we could only open one. Everyone could pick one gift from their pile and we would all open it at the same time. At the end, like every year Other Parent would fuss and systematically clean up all the wrapping paper like a garbage collector cleaning up holiday chaos. It was a funny compulsion they had.

     I was thinking about how it seems so strange that in an abusive family you could have anything good, warm and hopeful like Christmas. For instance how is it that someone like Pat Conroy could have had an intimidating, dominating father figure, The great Santini, and still look back on any part of his life with fondness? It's because life is complicated, and people are complicated. You will often find some bespattering of good things in a bad situation or individual. Sometimes I think people are tempted to think that maybe situations like Conroy's or my own were not that bad at all because of those occasional good things, but that's not true. Especially when you begin to look at cycles of abuse, those good elements are often part of the cycle, sometimes referred to as the honeymoon phase. If it was all bad all the time an abuser(s) might have a hard time keeping those close to them in the fold. So the cycle starts out all warm and fuzzy, then slowly like a frog in a pot of water, the temperature is ever so slowly raised so that the frog doesn't realize it is being boiled. If there comes a point of awareness that one is in an abusive cycle, the abuser will switch back to the warm and fuzzy honeymoon phase and the cycle goes on like this on repeat. Now in some cases people will stay in situations that are all bad, all the time because of threats on their life and things like Stockholm syndrome. But the classic cycle of abuse is as I have said.

     Those good elements are made to be confusing, you are not supposed to be able to tell up from down or how bad it really is, and you are made to think it is all in your head. Citing all the good times as reasons for  the situation not being so bad is an abuser favorite. I have had this lobbed at me more times than I care to mention. They try to argue that the sacredness of those good things outweighs anything bad, and is a sign that there is nothing really wrong in the relationship. It is hard to argue when they ply you with all the warm and fuzzy things, and you can feel defenseless because they are arguing from a point of truth. I have had to come back every time with the counter argument that is the most solid; yes there were good times, beautiful times, fun times. There were also bad times. And no matter how many good times the behaviors that create the bad times have not been addressed and have not been changed. Good things don't change the fact that there needs to be responsibility for the abusive behaviors in the relationship. Good times are not a substitute for a real healthy relationship dynamic where abusive behavior is not excused, or better yet does not occur at all.

      Christmas being perfect so you could survive the rest of the year is a lot of pressure to put into one day. It's why almost every year I would end up so tied up in knots that I felt unwell. In addition to Christmas being a cease fire time in the family dynamic, it was also one of the few times a year where I could feel love in a way that reflected my own primary love language; gift giving. I also felt a lot of trepidation and anxiety in giving gifts because I wanted to receive love and attention from my family members. I thought if I could give the perfect gift with all my personal feelings of love that I would get love back. Nowhere was this more hopelessly directed then at Vaarsuvius. Even after being crushed numerous times by their rejection or dissatisfaction with gifts I gave them I continued to hope for many years, and each year would tell myself that this year would be the year that I got them the perfect thing, and on an unconscious level I hoped it would equate to their expressing love for me. It's never happened, never will. I did slowly start to feel more and more numb about giving them anything. But this anxiety created in trying to give them things manifested in how I felt about giving gifts to anyone.

     This year I am desperately trying to shift away from Christmas having to be perfect, or having the perfect gift. I am trying to change how I perceive the whole holiday. While I do love those few warm and fuzzy Christmas memories, and that our world seemed to stop just for Christmas I no longer need to clutch to it in order to survive. The last few years I have still been clutching tightly,  not to survive the same abuse but survive Christmas without family. It was still a hyper focus on the Holiday to survive pain and distract myself, and I hoped that if re-created all the warm and fuzzy feelings everything would be okay. But everything is not okay. I don't have my family with me for the holidays anymore and that is a huge loss. But I also acknowledge that if I were to be with them I would be sacrificing huge parts of myself and my health. This year I am trying to be kind to myself while not ignoring the pain. I also don't want to feel like I am in survival mode anymore and that if I give someone the wrong gift they will not love me anymore.

"His quavering voice was weak, but its memory ran past thirty Christmases to hat irretrievable time when our father seemed prince-like and generous with his love of us. The Great Santini at Christmas-the best of times, the best of times, our best days as a family on earth." Pat Conroy

You can read Pat Conroy's essay in the Southern Living Magazine, December issue 2014.
http://www.southernliving.com/magazine

Growing bones; The List

Because of conversations I have had with family and friends about this topic, and recently I read a blog comment discussing it; I thought I would write about it. It is a good item to add to the list.

     The topic is methods of healing from childhood abuse. I have found that abusers, those that defend them and sometimes even the victims themselves operate from this perspective: It happened in the past- move on. Sometimes childhood abuse experiences also get diminished "Others had it worse, mine wasn't that bad". When the abuser themselves use this argument of "get over it already" or " I didn't hurt you that bad" the general motivation is to diminish, shame and squash the victims impulses to make the abuser accountable, it can keep the victim in their place and help the abuser stay out of trouble. Now coming from interested parties and those that might defend the abuser, it comes from a place not wanting to deal with the harsh reality of the abuse, and that a person they care for might be the abuser. Victims turn to this mode of thinking for a few reasons, because it can help them survive bad situations, keep them from getting in trouble with the abuser for telling, and also keep their family/friends comfortable, not rocking the boat so to speak. The last reason a victim might choose to think this way is to protect themselves inwardly. 

     Healing from abuse is a process and it can often times be painful to acknowledge what happened, and all the feelings that go with it. It can require some deep and painful digging into oneself, and be the epitome of a long dark scary hallway. We are afraid of what we might find down there, and rightfully so. Abuse creates lot's of complexities we have to sort through. Sometimes we can't handle any of this, or we are not in a safe enough place to begin our healing. Sometimes a victim is not even conscious of the abuse, it has been stowed away for safe keeping in an effort to survive. This survival mechanism can protect us from memories we cannot handle. It can be a combination of unconscious things and conscious things and the victim/survivor very flatly decides that the things in the past are done and over with and they want to move on. It ranges from a sort of denial to flat out denial (this excludes survivors who have blacked out everything).

     So denial is never good. Long term affects of denial do manifest in our health and well being, so it is not optimal to stay permanently in a state of avoidance. However the healing process can look very different for each person. One may have a stop and start flow, dealing with some aspects now and then picking it up again after a few years. Another might have their "aha" moment and start and take a more slow steady road. The Courage To Heal addresses this subject, and has similar remarks about timing and how we go about our healing. What matters is what works for you, and being conscious of how the abuse has affected your life.  Deciding to heal from abuse is a choice, look at your life and ask yourself the Dr. Phil question "How's that working out for you?". If you feel that you are fine in the current moment, okay. As long as you are going in the direction you want to go in, and are happy then continue with what you are doing. If that question sparks more questions then maybe it is time to re-evaluate. Even then you might only change a few things.

     I think it is our natural knee jerk reaction at times to avoid the healing process, which is often just as much a growth process. I was reminded the other day about a quote I had heard while in college, it was something to do with growing bones. What a painful thing that would be! I think though it really encompasses healing from abuse very well. 

Our healing is like growing bones, sometimes very painful, awkward and bizarre. Why would anyone decide to go through something like that?

Because the alternative is not having any bones.

Winter Solstice & Yule; banishing holiday anxiety

     In an effort to disarm the normal program that runs in my head around this time of year I am thinking outside the box for how to deal with it as well as trying to maintain a present connection to myself. I am becoming more aware of the things that are triggers for grief, anxiety, fear and staying a little more grounded or present helps me to not be swept away but see the program the normal runs on an unconscious level. And I call it a program, you could also call it a pattern or unconscious habit.

       I am giving myself permission to celebrate the holidays however I need to, and pay attention to how I feel. I normally over compensate and throw myself into full on Martha Stewart mode and try to stuff the pain and anxiety by baking cookies and shipping out mass amounts of presents and home made foods to friends and family. This year I am reigning it in, I don't want to stuff how I feel and I don't want to exhaust myself. Oddly enough trying to outrun the anxiety and bad feelings gave me more anxiety and problems than if I had just decided to be sad and feel the feelings when they surfaced. Just to clarify in case you have not read prior posts; I am essentially without family due to drawing difficult boundaries, their lack  of acceptance and support. I came forward about childhood sexual abuse and no one could handle what I had to say, or the idea that the accused family member could do such a thing. Something our culture seems to have an issue with- a person who seems like a shining member of the community get accused and they cannot reconcile how the person has two sides. Either their heads explode or they quickly shift to denial in a desperate attempt at self preservation. The Woody Allen and Bill Cosby abuse scandals are perfect evidence of this type of reaction.

     I was really not feeling excited about Christmas this year at all, in fact I didn't feel like putting up a tree and going through all the ornaments, even though I pretty much purged all Christmas decorations associated with family and memories last year. I feel a lot of grief since family is actually very important to me, it is unfortunate that I cannot have what I really want: respect, healthy relationships and support against my abuser.

  The Winter solstice/ Yule idea came to me as a way to break up some of the holiday stress, and change the rhythm  of things. When you are seeking to dismantle psychological triggers or patterns changing up something in the normal progression of things can often be enough to snap you out of the place where you get stuck.  I love that the holiday celebrates the change of the season and is all about nature. You don't have to be pagan to appreciate the seasonal changes and celebrate. Who doesn't like the idea of a bonfire, good company and some liquor infused concoction on the longest day of the year!? Solstice/Yule falls on December 21'st give or take (sometimes it's the 22nd). So that is a few days before Christmas, and my idea was to shift some of the festivities to that day and do something more simple on Christmas. I am hoping that it would be a psychological trick to take some of the pressure off celebrating Christmas, when my mind typically tends to build up Christmas as this huge thing. Also if you are looking for another good reason to do this for yourself breaking up the flow of Christmas festivities might be a relief, or a perfect excuse to plan some more social events!

     I don't think I am going to buy a traditional Christmas tree this year. I want to do a natural/winter theme and focus on decorating all around the house. I bought two small fake flocked tree's, and will focus more on a winter decor. I also might do a traditional solstice/yule tree and decorate a live tree outside with dried oranges and bird seed ornaments.

Please feel free to share your ideas in the comments and things that have worked for you in coping with the difficulties during the holidays.

My family thinks I don't love them

My family thinks I don't love them.

The rumor mill has turned out quite a few theories that make them feel more comfortable about my absence. The current favorite is steeped in a mythology Vaarsuvius has created. It started when I was very young when they decided who I was, how I was, and they told everyone else this decided judgement. It had just enough truth in it to become an all encompassing definition, and no matter what I did or said no one would change their mind because "the truth" seemed to be so obvious. I thrashed against this for years, but it only made it stick more.

     They think I have isolated myself. They are mistaking isolation for good solid healthy boundaries. They have also mistaken this for as my trying to cause them pain, be hurtful. That is a mythology adhered to by those who don't know what healthy boundaries actually mean. Townsend and Cloud discuss this in their book Boundaries. So part of this feeling hurt on their part means they don't think I love them. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I love them, have loved them and in fact have spent years trying to chase after their love, affection, respect.  It didn't go well. While Vaarsuvius would swear on their life that they loved me and were affectionate with me, this was coupled with abandonment.

So this is a letter to them, those that think I feel no love at all.

     For you whom I have loved for so long. I've never not loved you, but at some point I figured out that I was chasing after ghosts. Vaarsuvius and Other child, you have only ever wanted me when I was able to give you something in some way or another, it was always about your "needing me", but you didn't respect me, value you me. I was a resource you liked to have, your comfort when you had bad days, your therapist, but as soon as you were done you dropped me like I was nothing. I waited till you would want me again, greedily snapping up any attention you would throw my way, chasing after you like a puppy dog, waiting and hoping for approval and validation. You didn't respect me as a person, you thought I was weak, over emotional. You didn't value my natural talents and accomplishments.
Dear Family everything in our relationship has always been about you. When we have problems you don't see how you in any way contribute them, you take the defense, you feel "emotionally devastated". You only ever want a relationship with me when I am willing to agree with you on everything, be happy, cheerful and not rock the boat.  When you say to me you just want me to be happy, you don't mean it. You want me to happy in the way you define it. You don't want to be mutually responsible for the relationship, you don't want me to have any feelings, you don't want me to tell you when I've felt you hurt them.  You can't handle accepting responsibility for any of your behaviors, you deflect, defend and I walk on eggshells.  Your lack of understanding regarding a healthy dynamic in which boundaries are normal was shown by the smallest boundary requests being rejected and resulting in  temper tantrums. You were unwilling to compromise, you took it as a personal assault, my needs didn't matter at all, it was all about you, how hurt you were by the situation. You have not cared about what was really good for me, only how you felt and were affected. Requesting something from you is an imposition, my being dramatic, "why can't I just do this one thing for you".
I have tried everything I can think of, even though you won't believe me. I finally figured out that you were not going to change, so I had to. I distanced myself from the relationships in the family The dynamics have been unhealthy to say the least, and the energy I expended trying to fight that dynamic resulted in me being sucked in and it took its toll on my life.

Quite honestly it's not that I don't love you, but that you don't really love me.

October; The beginning of the Holiday blues

     Last year I was in the storage closet searching for the bin I had put the Fall/Halloween decor. I had to move quite a few things around, and then mistakenly opened up the Christmas bin thinking it was the one I wanted. Bang! the smell of the cinnamon pine cones stuffed between paper wrapped ornaments hit me. It was like someone punched me, the powerful smell followed by the sight of Christmas things, totems for memories. I think I cried.      

     This year seems to be no different. I care a lot about my home, it's like my temple. Similar to the Goddess Hestia; it is core to my being to maintain the hearth fire and be a center place for others to gather and be warm. It could be seen as something more traditional, but for me this is spiritual. I deeply value my temple (home) as a quiet place that I take care of and feed my own soul as well as being a place where others can gather. So decorating, cooking and planning holiday events for friends and family is something that pulls me in, and with the loss of family it pulls on my heartstrings; I feel a lot of grief.    

      Not only is there grief about not being able to fulfill these inner values in the ways I have before, there is a lot of stress related to the holidays. Giving and being that hearth place is  one of my greatest values, and primary love languages. The family I come from had large gatherings especially around the holiday's. I miss that hustle and bustle, feeding everybody and sitting down to play card games that were a well rooted pastime. And without those things I feel the loss, it stings.      I know I look at the past with rose colored glasses. The stress that plagues me now was just alive back then, and not all those holiday events were warm and fuzzy, even though I desperately needed them to be. I really worked hard to get all those needs met and create the warm and fuzzy feelings that I wanted. I ran myself into the ground. I wanted my family to love me, to show me that all that work and effort was worth it because my gifts and efforts made them happy. But emotional response was not always their strong suit, especially Varsuvius.   

         I have this switch that flicks on inside me each year at the start of the holidays and it is the start of three months of tension, anxiety and running around burning myself out. Now even though I don't have my family I find myself  still trying to distract myself from the negative things just like when I was a kid. And now instead of trying to get Varsuvius to love me, to show appreciation when I give them a gift I do that with my husband. Though I must state that while not a super bubbly person about getting gifts, he is worlds away from being anything like Varsuvius and tells me he loves me all the time. It's really my program and fear that comes up on repeat and not that I have found someone else to fulfill the role of Varsuvius in my life.   

     This program didn't use to hit until December, at the earliest it was after Thanksgiving when I would normally put a tree up with my family. But now it starts out in the beginning of October and peaks out at Christmas eve which is filled with a lot of anxiety. What makes this year and the last different is the accompanying grief and dread of the start of the Holiday cycle. It begins in October leading to Halloween and rolling into Thanksgiving and Christmas. This is the first year in which I dread having to make it through the next few months of Holiday chaos.Normally all the running around and throwing myself into the holiday spirit would keep me from despairing.       

      I have come to loathe Thanksgiving due to tainted memories and epic family drama, and now I partially loathe the idea of Christmas. Something that I have always held onto so tightly and made such a huge effort to make sure it was perfect, and now I honestly don't even want to put up a tree. I thought about the people society labels as humbugs because the holidays are too painful for them, and I feel a respecting sympathy. I also feel a kinship in rejecting the favored trite advice that seems to get dolled out during the holiday's, and understand the seemingly "harden hearts" of these individuals due to their wish to not feel pain. I don't want to feel pain either! And I now quite honestly have to say with new perspective that the advice to “open up your heart”, “feel the joy and love of the season” is not always the answer.       

     I can't ask myself to ignore how I feel and shove it under the rug, I have to honor my grief and respect that the next three months are painful and sad. I feel I need to find a balance. I may not want to do some Holiday activities this year, but feel okay doing others. I think it is most important to find out what it is you need during the holidays. While I do love the Fairy tale, holiday stories of Debbie Macomber "Mrs. Miracle",

 I know that holiday broken hearts don't fit into a one size fits all cure. Yet our culture expects such an angel to make us change without taking into account our very real situations and feelings. People get very sensitive about quote “Holiday haters”, and they feel offended “if only we would open our hearts”. But here's the thing, grief is very individual, so is the timing and the cure. Yes sometimes we need family and friends to prod us a little, but not beyond respecting our boundaries and acknowledging the validity of our feelings and that we have our own timing for these things.     Also as an abuse survivor what is really important to me is others respecting the validity of my boundaries with my family. Holiday Fairy Tales of forgiveness are swell, unless they undermine the validity of the victims feelings and boundaries. Forgiveness is not a sedative you take so you can forget all the violations that occurred, it does not mean that everything is okay, and it is not about the people who hurt you. It is a tool to empower you to move forward, and does not even have to involve those who hurt you. Choosing to re-connect is also a very personal decision and is really on a case by case basis. Abuse survivors do not need to be goaded during the holidays with “if only you would forgive, and reconnect”.   

   I have done some research to try and help myself get through the next few months, and have looked for practical advice that actually takes into account the real feelings of going through the holidays as a survivor and the many obstacles with family estranged and otherwise we might face. I wanted to include a few resources that I have found to be especially helpful.

I am re-gifting Christmas; By Christina Enevoldsenhttp://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2010/12/24/im-re-gifting-christmas/

"I developed many more ideas about what Christmas was supposed to be. Christmas was supposed to be white with snowmen and glistening trees, though seventy degree Arizona winters made that unlikely. Christmas was supposed to be extended family gathering from the corners of the globe, though through feuds and disinterest, that never happened."

Pain Surrounding the Holiday; By Christina Enevoldsen
http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2011/11/23/pain-surrounding-the-holiday/

"In the past few years of healing from childhood sexual abuse and separating from my abusive parents, I’ve approached each holiday feeling a little anxious. Holidays used to be times for gathering with family and now they are reminders of the loss. Even though I’ve worked through most of my grief, I never know when another layer might surface. It’s especially hard to be grieving when it seems that everyone else is celebrating."

I do not yet have permission to link a couple other sources yet, but I want to encourage you to read Faith Allen's blog and her discussions of being a survivor around the holiday's.