Sunday, May 31, 2015

Reliving a nightmare; In the wake of scandal

     Mike Huckabee's recent words angers me a great deal. Right now I positively hate that odious man, I find him loathsome and repulsive. I'm seriously angry at what he said in response to Josh Duggar raping five girls, in the now public wide scandal.

     In this case where we actually know that Josh Duggar undeniably sexually assaulted/raped five girls- Mike Huckabee dismissed it as a mistake and with all the seriousness of a typographical error. Even though this abuse scandal has been pushed into the public eye where it cannot be denied; Huckabee and others of Conservative, Evangelical, and Christian fundamentalist bearing still refuse to acknowledge it. And they do so by their treatment of it.

      Hearing Huckabee's words was like re-living all of the times I was dismissed regarding my own abuse experiences, even when I needed help. It was like reliving all the times of screaming on the inside or feeling like I was screaming and pounding my fists against those who were intentionally blind and deaf to even the highest amount of noise I could muster. And while they ignored my abusers slipped off into the shadows. My abusers got away with everything, no consequences. I would never be believed. And here even in a situation with evidence it seems the abusers still get away. It also seems that Josh Duggar's victims are treated as if they don't deserve the same amount of consideration as their rapist.

    "But of course everyone knows that women and girls are just emotional creatures anyway, I mean how much more of a victim could they be- this is how they react to everything right!?
And Josh Duggar is a Godly man who's character is being horribly publicly maligned. Poor thing he didn't have a chance, he was already a victim before this rape scandal (5 girls). And these girls were probably out to get him and more than likely used dark arts to seduce him. Poor, poor Josh. He was a victim the moment he was born, as are many such Godly men who must face a warped world of bitter women and a secular culture who wants to tear them down and destroy family values. From the moment he was born he would have been assaulted with this force of evil and made to face it head on."

     This sounds like it is only my over the top imaginative, sarcastic dramatization. But you would never believe how much of that is actually what Evangelical, Fundamentalists and those who belong to Quiverfull actually believe in some form or another (or maybe you would).
Those type of beliefs are founded on that singular moment in the garden of Eden when man was first victimized by a dark conniving force; a woman. This belief system has taken shape post Eden in a way that favors men and disenfranchises and marginalizes women. In the Pre-fallout Eden there seems to be evidence of the very controversial equal partnership plan. Saying these belief's are set up to favor men might seem a broad statement to make and therefore difficult to defend. However I ask you to consider the following: What if Josh Duggar was a woman who raped 5 younger girls?

     Would Mike Huckabee be rushing to make a statement of support? Would he say that J. Duggar, a woman of God simply made mistakes in the past? Would he still feel compelled when he is no longer defending a fellow member of the Godly bro-club? Could a Godly woman be so quickly forgiven for pasts mistakes, especially because it was before she truly knew Christ? I would base my hypothetical answer to that by asking for starters- when has womankind ever been forgiven by Godly men for their original mistake- the one involving an apple? It's potentially likely that the brilliant minds of those such as Huckabee would resort to calling out the state of J. Duggar's mental health- were he a woman in this scenario. They would point to hormones in some way, insanity and anything that fits with their image of the weaker sex. It's also a high probability that they would turn to their favorite stand by theories about the deviousness of women's sexuality.

     I have PTSD from having to relive the sickening corrupt politics, and facets of the Christian belief system. One that sometimes seems to let those who cause damage walk away free. One that often will interpret scripture however they see fit, and one that often disregards women as equal, competent human beings. I have my concerns about the founding principles for the entire religion that I was brought up with- but for today when I say Christian belief system I am focusing on those unhealthy facets that tend to be rigid, extreme and are essentially fundamentalist.

    Mike Huckabee's wording brought to life the pain and torment  I  had felt at being trapped in a system that refused to hear me, refused to acknowledge me. I was simply an obstinate, outspoken woman who was flooded with hormones and reduced in my ability to reason logically or tell the truth. Even when I as metaphorically pounding on the door, in need of help and had wolves nipping at my heels I was not acknowledged. In such cases you might be "dealt with" but your abusers won't. If it is true that the Duggar's not only hid the rapes to protect Josh but also to out wait the statute of limitations it makes me fell ill and incredibly heart sick. And despite everything we now know; I see many supposedly spiritual people  defending them, and defending a rapist- Josh Duggar.

     While coping with the injustices of my own experiences, my own abuse, sexually, spiritually and otherwise I always look to other similar circumstances to feel hope. I think to myself that maybe even though I did not find justice some other victim can. Then it feels in a way that I have found justice too. So it is incredibly saddening to watch this current scandal in all its unjust horror being played out. To say that life is not fair or that there are bad people out there does not even begin to cut it when an explanation for such atrocities is not only needed, but deserved.

And Mike Huckabee can go stick it where the sun doesn't shine.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Today is our day- Happy Mothers day

Today is our day.

Today we deserve to take hold of the revolutionary idea that we can make today about us.
We can leave guilt behind; it is not our choices that have created a rift between ourselves and our mothers. It is not our choices that have reaped consequences and therefore it is not our responsibility to shoulder them. 
We may feel alone but it is not something we have done to ourselves, it is not a choice, we are not to blame. And even though it feels like we are the ones left in isolation and pain because our mothers refuse to shoulder the burden of hurt, it does not make it our fault. We experience pain because of the loss, rejection and abuse and just because they won't own up to it does not mean we have to carry all of it. It is not ours to carry. We can forgive ourselves because we have done nothing wrong, we are not the reason things have failed, crashed and burned. 
We sometimes end up taking on more of the injury and damage than is truly ours. It's okay to let it go, it doesn't mean we are irresponsible or ignoring the hurt, we are just taking care of the only portion that is actually ours and shifting the rest of the burden where it belongs. Narcissists and abusive parents have a tendency of gaslighting, causing damage and then walking away with no repercussions. When their kid is left with all the repercussions it can feel like it is their fault, they end up carrying the hurt while the parent has little to no damage. The walking away is to teach the kid, trick the kid, that all the responsibility for that hurt is theirs and that they must have done something wrong or the parent would still be around or would have owned their part. But that is not how narcissists and abusive parents operate, they will never own their part, so let's not own it for them. Let's dump all the blame and guilt we place on ourselves and put it into their corner, even if just in our minds. 

We can feel sad today and grieve our losses, but let's not be sad because we think it is something we have done to deserve it. That we have somehow chosen self exile and self inflicting pain. It's not true. Let's not hold onto sadness with guilt and self depreciation because we think we could have done better, chosen different. It's not true. The only ones who could have done better and chosen different are the mothers (parents) who have created isolation and estrangement. They choose their behavior and the consequences are theirs whether they pretend they are or not.  They did all the damage, and inflicted the hurt. 
Today is about us, about letting go of the things we did not do and loving ourselves and our inner child. Today is about celebrating the mother within who has nurtured and coached us back to health and well being. We can celebrate how amazing and wondrous it is that we have the capacity to do that, how much we grow and that we have done it all without our dysfunctional parents. 
We are quite amazing!
Happy Mothers day to us.