I
was raised as a “modern” Evangelical Christian. But the more I
read the more subtle the distinction I find between how I was raised
and Fundamentalist beliefs (such as Quiverfull).
I didn't
wear long dresses/or skirts like
the women and girls of the Duggar family, however I still had fashion
specifications I was required to follow. I was still in many ways
made to be lady like and modest, even if it was in pants. I rebelled
and pushed this boundary as best I could and with dramatic flair. I
even won my battles with mini skirts eventually. Probably due to my
parents crumbling relationship; there was something else to distract
them from my fashion rebellion. Similar to more fundamentalist
beliefs I had little or no ownership over my body. What I did with it
including cutting my hair was controlled or hindered by Vaarsuvius
and Other Parent. I had to beg for permission to get my ears pierced
when Other Parent did not want me piercing any part of my body, even
for age appropriate earrings. Some of these things seem small or
normal to parent child relationships; but the subtleties and the
battles fought daily to be my own person were not small even if they
were lumped in with what people considered "normal".
There was nothing good or normal about how in our Evangelical
patriarchal household Other Parent owned us, including our bodies.
This was evidenced by their treatment of Vaarsuvius and the fact that
they told them once they had made a commitment to on another that
Vaarsuvius's body was now theirs and it was founded in Biblical
principals. The structure we lived with supported these ideas and
passed them off as normal, it hid the insidious dark underside. Body
ownership also meant that I was Other Parent's object to do with as
they willed; they did. I was sexually abused and I am strongly
suspicious that Other Child was as well. But even at times this
horrific act can be and has been defended by wielding the umbrella of
the Bible. If Vaarsuvius was not sexually satisfying and upholding
their spousal duty to Other Parent, child sexual abuse could be seen
as a natural consequence. In some cases it has. Please reference
Christina Enevoldsen and her blog Confessions
of a Child Molesters Wife.
Quiverfull
is based on the idea of having many children and raising them Godly
to be released into the world like a quiver full of arrows to
proselytize and convert others to following Christ. Modern
Evangelical Christians similarly believe in raising Godly children to
be a light in the world, and both sets of ideologies focus on
training children to be soldiers of Christ. My family held those
beliefs (close to that of Quiverfull) and this was evidenced by their
association with the Christian Organization known as the Navigators.
This organization focuses on recruitment, training and deployment.
They have bases of operation in Colleges to seek out young people who
are in the midst of identity upheaval. They preach salvation,
identity and purpose. They are are also focused on our Military and
have ministries on base. Ideally they recruit and then deploy
missionaries across the nation and all over the world. Meet the
Missionary Marines Corps. Hoorah.
The
only reason that my family was not large had less to do with my
parents beliefs and more with circumstances. Other Parent wanted more
children and liked the idea of a traditional large family. Vaarsuvius
was pushed by Other Parent to follow this more traditional path, but
ended up being saved from it due to Other Parents health issues.
Somehow they convinced Other Parent that there physical health meant
that they could not be a fully supportive parent to a large family
and that Vaarsuvius could not do it alone if something happened to
them.
The
lack of extended numbers of siblings did not stop Vaarsuvius from
making me responsible for Other child or throwing me into the role of
a caretaker at an early age. Vaarsuvius was a member of a Christian
parent preschool group, but I was too old to do any of the programs.
So instead of finding someone to watch me they enlisted me to help
serve all the children groups
their snacks, as well as being additional help as a caretaker for the
toddler class or any other class that needed help. I have been taking
care of babies and children since I was seven. It didn't help that I
had a natural affinity for connecting with toddlers and infants, this
also meant I had to help Vaarsuvius and Other Parent during their
Nursery duty at church and when they taught Sunday school to younger
children. I didn't have to be in a family of nineteen and counting to
be roped into being a little mother.
This
led to the assumption that I would grow up to be a mother. I remember
being around the age of ten when Vaarsuvius finally sorted through
all of our baby clothes, and had Other Child and I pick out which
ones we wanted to keep for our future children. We also picked things
that they wanted to pass onto us, and it was neatly packed away in
boxes, our stand in hope chests. Eventually we had our own hope
chests as well as these boxes stored away for us, beautiful hand
crafted family air looms that smelled of cedar and future dreams.
Vaarsuvius always assumed that without a doubt I would be married and
pregnant someday, and that it is something I would want. I did get
married, and the cedar chest is in my home. But it's a different kind
of hope chest now. It stores my favorite personal things, and is my
office filing cabinet. And I won't be passing it down to any children
with a wedding trousseau stuffed into it.
I
was always fairly quiet, due to nature and the expectation that I be
a dutiful child. I cannot remember if I ever saw a copy of To
Train Up a Child in
our home, but like other christian families we knew that type of
philosophy was pervasive. These too were supposedly modern Christians
who would probably tell you that they believe themselves to be very
different from Fundamentalists. But like my parents they
were firm subscribers to Dobson and Focus on the Family. The
ideals and philosophies from that ministry are not very different
from fundamentalist ones. The idea that a child should be bent to
the will of the parent and to God is not different from that of the
Pearls.
Other
child and I were to be seen and not heard. We were expected to obey,
and do it with a smile. Any hint of an attitude on our part was seen
as defiance and resulted in consequences. This was true if you did
not behave as expected and embarrassed our parents. I was once
punished because Vaarsuvius wanted to introduce me to someone, but I
was shy and hid behind them. This was seen as being unruly and
embarrassing them and I was duly punished. We were fairly well
behaved due to the fear of what would happen to us if we weren't.
This power dynamic did not change much even when we were teens, I was
very nearly punished for being ten minutes late for curfew, and
almost spanked by Vaarsuvius at sixteen for having an attitude. In
fact this power dynamic did not change until recently. As an adult
planning my wedding I snipped at Vaarsuvius who was being stubborn
and unhelpful and was told "don't you take the tone with me".
Vaarsuvius
has always called me their compliant child, as Other Child began to
show their stripes and distaste for the way we were raised earlier on
and in a more vocal fashion. I wasn't though, I did what I need to do
to survive and if that meant playing at being the
compliant
child
so
I did not get my butt beat, so be it. But inside I was constantly
rebelling, I acutely felt a sense of injustice and was well aware
that the way I was raised was often wrong. Being a good little
country
girl
saved me, it was a face I wore to protect the "Nora" part
of me. This blog, and my pen name is named for that part of me. The
compliant country
girl
saved me until I turned eighteen and could walk away.
Stay
tuned for the final post in this series My Story; A Heart Like Mine
P3
