A sensuous child; The List

It has been a while since I added to "The List" and I still have a few more important topics to write for it. This subject once again comes to us courtesy of a well meaning individual I know, and Lena Dunham. Disturbed by the title? Me too!

     This subject is really an extension of the whole discussion around normative sexual behavior in children as they grow up. I've already written about what normal sexual development in kids looks like and when there should be concern (abnormal behaviors). I have also written a lengthy post about sexual play or acting out focusing on the Lena Dunham controversy.  

So a well meaning individual I know told me that they didn't want me to feel bad about my sexual development or being a sexual person because of my quote "having always been a sensuous child". Also they didn't want me to mix up my being a sensuous child with blaming a parent for it. For anyone raised with healthy body boundaries and who was allowed to develop their sexuality normally you reaction should be "EWW, OH MY GOD!" and "WHY WOULD YOU EVER PUT SENSUOUS AND CHILD IN THE SAME SENTENCE?!"

     But for sexual abuse victims, or anyone raised with inappropriate boundaries and body violations you might actually have thought this is something plausible and that it was your fault or the way you were born. This is why I brought up Lena Dunham; she is someone who was exposed to an over sexual environment and somehow  believes she is a sexual revolutionary now and as a child (sensuous child). The only other crowd that gives this idea any thought is the crowd that supports the abusers or is somehow part of that dysfunctional system. They are trying to find ways to explain away the abuse and the child's behavior so they blame it on the child or try to make arguments such as the kid having always been sensuous.

     Let's put this idea to rest. There is no such thing as a sensuous child. There is no stage of sexual development during childhood in which that would ever occur (unless sexual abuse was present). This type of behavior and development would not even begin to occur until adolescence, and even then a very sexual teen who is acting out would still be a concern for whether or not they had been abused. Please see previous list posts about normal sexual development for reference. Kids are not sensuous! That is the most absurd thing I have ever heard about child development, and this is after having taken  developmental psychology during college- not a mention- ever- because it is not true!.

Growing bones; The List

Because of conversations I have had with family and friends about this topic, and recently I read a blog comment discussing it; I thought I would write about it. It is a good item to add to the list.

     The topic is methods of healing from childhood abuse. I have found that abusers, those that defend them and sometimes even the victims themselves operate from this perspective: It happened in the past- move on. Sometimes childhood abuse experiences also get diminished "Others had it worse, mine wasn't that bad". When the abuser themselves use this argument of "get over it already" or " I didn't hurt you that bad" the general motivation is to diminish, shame and squash the victims impulses to make the abuser accountable, it can keep the victim in their place and help the abuser stay out of trouble. Now coming from interested parties and those that might defend the abuser, it comes from a place not wanting to deal with the harsh reality of the abuse, and that a person they care for might be the abuser. Victims turn to this mode of thinking for a few reasons, because it can help them survive bad situations, keep them from getting in trouble with the abuser for telling, and also keep their family/friends comfortable, not rocking the boat so to speak. The last reason a victim might choose to think this way is to protect themselves inwardly. 

     Healing from abuse is a process and it can often times be painful to acknowledge what happened, and all the feelings that go with it. It can require some deep and painful digging into oneself, and be the epitome of a long dark scary hallway. We are afraid of what we might find down there, and rightfully so. Abuse creates lot's of complexities we have to sort through. Sometimes we can't handle any of this, or we are not in a safe enough place to begin our healing. Sometimes a victim is not even conscious of the abuse, it has been stowed away for safe keeping in an effort to survive. This survival mechanism can protect us from memories we cannot handle. It can be a combination of unconscious things and conscious things and the victim/survivor very flatly decides that the things in the past are done and over with and they want to move on. It ranges from a sort of denial to flat out denial (this excludes survivors who have blacked out everything).

     So denial is never good. Long term affects of denial do manifest in our health and well being, so it is not optimal to stay permanently in a state of avoidance. However the healing process can look very different for each person. One may have a stop and start flow, dealing with some aspects now and then picking it up again after a few years. Another might have their "aha" moment and start and take a more slow steady road. The Courage To Heal addresses this subject, and has similar remarks about timing and how we go about our healing. What matters is what works for you, and being conscious of how the abuse has affected your life.  Deciding to heal from abuse is a choice, look at your life and ask yourself the Dr. Phil question "How's that working out for you?". If you feel that you are fine in the current moment, okay. As long as you are going in the direction you want to go in, and are happy then continue with what you are doing. If that question sparks more questions then maybe it is time to re-evaluate. Even then you might only change a few things.

     I think it is our natural knee jerk reaction at times to avoid the healing process, which is often just as much a growth process. I was reminded the other day about a quote I had heard while in college, it was something to do with growing bones. What a painful thing that would be! I think though it really encompasses healing from abuse very well. 

Our healing is like growing bones, sometimes very painful, awkward and bizarre. Why would anyone decide to go through something like that?

Because the alternative is not having any bones.

Normal Childhood exploration; The List

 Lena Dunham's memoir release and the subsequent scandal makes this the perfect time to address the next thing on the list: Normal Childhood exploration.

     I was recently reminded by a well meaning individual that all kids go through a phase of being curious about their bodies. While they meant it to mean I had misinterpreted
this simply life fact and using it to support my case of childhood sexual abuse was using air to hold up my case; they are not wrong. Kids do go through their normal stages of development being curious of their bodies and their peers/family members. When we think of babies or even toddlers stumbling about their homes, dropping to the floor and putting their face into the carpet because the are curious about the texture and how the view of everything from the floor is different, so it follows that they would look at themselves and what must seem like odd and fascinating features to them and be filled with the same curiosity.
     
      Kid's health says "By preschool, most kids have developed a strong sense of being a boy or girl, and continue to explore their bodies even more purposefully. It's not a good idea to scold them when they touch themselves — this will only prompt a sense of guilt and shame.Parents may, however, want to explain that even though it feels good, touching should be done in private — preschoolers are old enough to understand that some things are not meant to be public. They're also old enough to understand that no one — not even family members or other people they trust — should ever touch them in a way that feels uncomfortable.
Your preschooler will continue to learn important sexual attitudes from you — from how you react to people of the opposite sex to how you feel about nudity.
Parents may, however, want to explain that even though it feels good, touching should be done in private — preschoolers are old enough to understand that some things are not meant to be public. They're also old enough to understand that no one — not even family members or other people they trust — should ever touch them in a way that feels uncomfortable.
Your preschooler will continue to learn important sexual attitudes from you — from how you react to people of the opposite sex to how you feel about nudity.

     Parents may, however, want to explain that even though it feels good, touching should be done in private — preschoolers are old enough to understand that some things are not meant to be public. They're also old enough to understand that no one — not even family members or other people they trust — should ever touch them in a way that feels uncomfortable.
Your preschooler will continue to learn important sexual attitudes from you — from how you react to people of the opposite sex to how you feel about nudity."

http://kidshealth.org/parent/growth/sexual_health/development.html#

   
     Due to the belief that organizations like CPS are anti family, anti Christian Home School I have often heard this idea that parents are afraid of being victims of the system because their child engaged in normative sexual development behavior, and it being seen as a sign of them molesting the child. In fact the well meaning individual went on to tell me that they knew of examples of where this horrifying tale became reality and that parents where falsely accused. It comes with this presumption and fear about the system and there is always some incident that seems to confirm the fear, even if the actual incidents of false accusation are a very small percentage.  I am also fairly certain, but I will have to do a little more research into the process, that CPS would not base a whole case of childhood sexual abuse based on normative incidents of sexual development.

So if that being the case, aside from a belief perspective why the fear? Is it that hard to differentiate between normal and abnormal sexual behavior in children? Yes and no "(...) when a child engages in sexual behaviors, it can be difficult to decide when the behavior is natural and healthy, and when it may reflect a problem or disturbance. The normative behaviors of childhood and adolescence are of concern when they are extensive or suggest preoccupation, or involve others in ways that are not consensual. Sexual behaviors in children present a special concern when they appear as prominent features in a child’s life, or when sexual play or behaviors are not welcomed by other children involved in the play. This is the point at which sexually harmful and aggressive behaviors most closely and clearly hinges." http://www.mnadopt.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Recognizing-Healthy-Unhealthy-Sexual-Development-in-Children.pdf

When a child's sexual behavior seems to spill out all over their life, that is when to put up the red flag. Also in my personal opinion certain types of self exploration paired with other factors can also be indications of abuse, and a good time for parents, teachers to tune into what is going on in the child's world.  I believe that is what organizations like CPS begin to take into account when their is concerns about child sexual abuse. In working with parts of the educational system I have observed that things like sexual play, or self exploration will be usually noted and general observation of whether or not in other factors seem to present will be made. If there is nothing else it stays in the child's file as a simple behavior note.

     As a survivor when you are looking over your history and trying to piece together what happened those are the things to keep in mind. You can begin to discern between what was normal and what really caused by abuse. And while you will be told by abusers and their defenders that "it was all normal" you can stay strong in what you know, re-visit the facts and look at all the puzzle pieces that come together forming the truth.

     
     Now we come to Lena Dunham and her now infamous memoir passages discussing sexual behaviors during childhood. In light of knowing that sex exploration is normal, why is Lena's account troubling? They way she describes what occurred shows a level of preoccupation about sex that seems to have existed in childhood and persisted in adulthood. It is possible that she chose to write about normal sexual development incidents in a provocative manner to incite drama and get excess amounts of press coverage. But personally I think it is more than that, taking into account what she describes, what we know about her parents, her upbringing, it all comes together as a portrait of someone who was abused.  Books like the courage to heal will back me up when I say that the possible types of sexual exposure Dunham experienced was childhood sexual abuse. 

     Her mothers lack of concern when she found Dunham and her sister engaged in sexual play shows that she was not necessarily a parent who was in tune with her children. I don't think she was simply unconcerned because she found the behavior to be normal. In fact her reaction mimics a pattern of disconnection by one parent when the other is being inappropriate or creating an inappropriate environment. This could be because their is spousal abuse in play, or they are coping with the situation through disconnection and denial.

     Dunhams age at the time of the incidents means that she was not yet in a developmental stage where she would have come into her own sexually. Her actions seem to indicate premature sexual behavior due to external influences. Age 7 is not old enough to be thinking about masturbating next to someone without other influences in play.
      
     The Courage to Heal says " Sometimes children who are sexually abused molest other children. When children mimic and repeat what was done to them, this is called abuse-reactive behavior. Sometimes these victims are too young to understand that what they're doing is wrong and can harm the other child. Most children who act out sexually with children feel an enormous guilt and shame."


     I don't think Lena wants to cause shock and awe in the sense that we might assume. I think there is that inner child in her that is still trying to sort out what happened in her environment,  I think she is trying to find ownership over her sexuality and find ownership instead of shame about her interactions with her sister. If she comes off as sexually independent and edgy then she doesn't have to feel the shame. Much of this probably occurring on an unconscious level.
I think that is why she included those things in her memoir, she is still acting out and that the little girl in her still trying to make sense of what she was exposed to. Again from an unconscious place she might be trying to pass it off as provocative, or normal to make herself feel better. 
Do I think her memoir was appropriate? No, and I do not think she should be defended as someone who is just sexually empowered, I think the opposite is true.
 
     Dunham has acted out in a very public manner, trying to express herself even if on an unconscious level. She is trying to get someone to hear her, to acknowledge her experience. Perhaps she is trying to acknowledge it to herself. She also might be projecting it outward because it is too much to hold on to internally.  There is a lot of discussion going on about boundaries, consent and raising children who are healthy in their sexual development. I think this is a great opportunity to engage on those subjects. However as a survivor I feel that childhood sexual abuse is not yet an important enough part of the general discussion. 

     I think what she is expressing is an uncomfortable subject for our culture. We don't like to deal with sexual abuse, especially not graphically. That's why Dunhams memoir has for the most part formed three groups of thought, that she is either a sexual revolutionary (a feminist), she is a predator, or was simply not taught good boundaries. It would make our culture happier to couch her behavior in terms of bad boundaries, by doing that it excuses us from having to take a deeper look. It's almost like comparing it to a child growing up without ever learning to clean up after themselves.
The truth is her behavior during childhood was likely more complicated than a lack of boundaries, or being a predator. And in no way is it simply about Dunham writing about childhood sexual development in a feminist fashion. In fact their was nothing feminist about her choice to write about her experience in the manner she did nor in her descriptions. 

     While Dunahm may be unconsciously acting out, she is still engaging in unhealthy, dare I say inappropriate behavior. I am concerned about her lack of understanding about consent and am somewhat horrified for her sister.  I do not yet know if her sister gave her permission to write about their childhood interactions, but even if she did Dunham's descriptions are in my opinion disrespectful and do not paint a portrait of child's play or consent, but of objectification. It was not thoughtful or reflective, her dialogue was highly sexual and erotic in tone.

      I had looked up to Dunham as an empowered feminist of my generation, I was excited that fashion magazines chose to put her on the cover, a normal curvy woman. Now I feel sadness, and concern. I hope, even though I disagree with her behavior, is that as a culture we are able to open a broader discussion up about childhood sexual abuse. I hope we don't just shuffle aside Dunham's blatant way of engaging in a difficult subject ( even if poorly done) for what makes us comfortable.

Trusting your memory; The List (trigger warning)

So while we now know that having a false memory is highly improbable and almost always associated with intentional outside influences, how do we trust the memories we do have or what if we don't have any specific memories at all?

     One of the first things we often read as a survivor beginning the healing process is  The Courage to Heal, so lets start there. In the chapter titled the Healing Process their is a section titled The Essential Truth of Memory, its on page Eighty four. This section deals with how we remember things and suggests that memories are often not a perfect tool to understanding what happened. Distortion occurs "a common example is in the description of size. A small child may remember the abuser as being huge or the abuser's genitals as filling her whole field of vision. One survivor who was abused by a teacher remembered that the school was enormous, with extremely high ceilings and wide corridors. When she went back as an adult, she was shocked at how small it really was"(Bass & Davis, 2008, p. 84). Often these distortions are simply a protective mechanism blocking more traumatic memories.

     Despite inaccuracies in what we remember, those memories are not any less important "although inaccuracies may exist in your memory, you can still work with what you remember as an indication of what you felt (...) she assumed that he penetrated her vagina-perhaps with a finger or his penis-and the feeling was so painful, so cutting, that she, in her child's mind, had no concept for it other than a knife"(Bass & Davis, 2008, p. 84).

     To me most important is understanding that this indication of what you felt is a guide, it is a marker that says something happened to you. You don't have to remember perfectly to know that something happened, or that you strongly believe it was sexual abuse. Those memories do not come out of nowhere, they are not the product of a twisted imagination. They are your mind trying to deal with and make sense of what happened and it's way of communicating that to you. We don't have a reference for sexual abuse at a young age or know how to process it, so our brilliant minds store it away and protect us from remembering, or scatter the pieces of memory about in a hide and seek sort of fashion but the clues are changed to fit what we can handle.
     
     Another major indicator about how we felt is our body and its memories.  Our body is a permeable sponge with thoughts and feelings of its own "memories are stored in our bodies- in sensations, feelings, and physical responses. Even if you don't know what took place, memory fragments of what you suffered can endure. You may be assailed by unexplained physical pain or sexual arousal, fear, confusion or any other sensory aspect of the abuse"(Bass & Davis, 2008, p. 76-77). Body memory has been one of my indicators of abuse, as well as my overall health during childhood and the years leading up to my decision to heal. My body had always been screaming loudly in its own fashion that something was terribly wrong and that something had happened. This along with how I felt in my home environment and the memories I have of the abuse has helped to create a really solid map that says, "yes this happened, and it happened to me".

     What if there are no memories? If there are no memories but you are suspicious that something happened, that feeling is a red flag to pay attention to. I would then begin to look for those other indicators, such as discussed above. "You may not recall particular incidents such as the one this survivor describes, but you may discover that you know more than you think you do about the environment in which you grew up"(Bass & Davis, 2008, p. 86). So if you feel de-railed by doubt or because their is pressure and doubt from others, or your abuser is trying to discredit you, take heart. Not having memories does not make you crazy or in anyway say you have an imagination that has run wild.
     This is the point in time to take care of yourself and start paying attention to what other indicators there might be. If you are unsure and have not told anyone yet, seeing a therapist can be really helpful. I would recommend taking your time and take all things into consideration. With something as serious as sexual abuse preparing ourselves and standing solidly in what we know is of great benefit when we come forward and voice what has happened to us, and if we choose to confront our abuser(s).


Kali Munro M.Ed psychotherapist wrote a lovely blog post (2001) titled Trusting Your Memories of Child Abuse. You can read her post here:http://kalimunro.com/wp/articles-info/sexual-emotional-abuse/trusting-your-memories-of-sexual-abuse

      Abusers and their defenders often cite that the child never told anyone about the abuse, and us it as  evidence to say the abuse never occurred and them only doing so now means they made it up. This Psychology Today article; Why don't child sex abuse victims tell, discusses false memory. "Of course memories fade and become less reliable over time. Of course memories of specific details of events can be wrong. Of course memories of events that are witnessed for the very first time are subject to observerbiases, missed aspects of the events, and sensory information that is misinterpreted. However, the big picture is unlikely to be misremembered" (Allen, David, M.d, 2012).
 http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/matter-personality/201210/why-dont-child-sex-abuse-victims-tell

Further resource reading:

Is the Child Victim of Sexual Abuse Telling the Truth
http://www.secasa.com.au/pages/is-the-child-victim-of-sexual-abuse-telling-the-truth/

Myths/Facts Regarding Child Sexual Assault
http://www.porterco.org/index.aspx?nid=341

If you are a survivor you might need this someday; the list

There comes a day when all the careful considerations you have made as to why you know that you were really and truly sexually abused get assaulted.

    Even though you have read books, made your therapist explain over and over why you are not imagining things, there will be a day when you stand shakily on not so solid ground. So when you get there, because I have been there, I want you to have this methodical list to read over and over to yourself. Make it your mantra. I am going to help you systematically defend against every manipulative, destructive thing used against you to try and discredit you and make you doubt yourself.

Let's start with a favorite shall we. The first line of defense by abusers and those who support them; False Memory Syndrome.

Here is the wikipeidia definition: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_memory_syndrome

 I would not recommend going to the FMS foundation site, there is plenty of resources concerning them without you having to suffer the "ick" factor of using their site.

Truths about False Memories:

- It has been found that in a scenario such as a bank robbery individuals may not accurately remember details of the incident or the perpetrators. They may even wrongly describe what the perpetrators look like. However no one was ever confused as to whether or not the robbery occurred.

- Researchers have successfully implanted false memories of minor anxiety/trauma into individuals as well as non anxiety/ trauma memories. However what you need to understand is that none of these were childhood abuse or childhood sexual abuse memories. It is not ethical to subject subjects to such a test.
One study got adults to remember details of being lost in a mall as a child even though they had not. But even this is not black and white, because it relies on memories that are common occurrences. What child has not at one point been lost or thought they lost their parents for even just a moment in a crowd? And we know that we do not accurately remember things so the researches suggesting details that feel real to that scenario makes it easy to understand why the subjects would have thought it a real memory. It felt like a real memory and it even relied on a very real memory/feeling. In other words it took root because the subject probably did have a moment in childhood were they got lost or lost site of their parents in the crowd.
As I understand it, this means that the researches are not able to implant a false memory that does not have connection to a true memory. And just like with the bank robbery, abused individuals may have fuzzy details but are not confused as to whether or not something happened.
It has also not been proven that they could truly implant a false memory of something so traumatizing as abuse.

- In a therapy setting due to the consideration of suggestion affecting what the survivor remembers therapists in most cases don't use guided questions/ suggestions about abuse or go digging to see if they can find any memory of such trauma.

- External factors and influences would need to be present for a false memory to exist.

- Getting subjects to use their imagination was also needed for some studies conclusions.

Sources:
http://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/res/dallam/6.html

"The "False Memory Syndrome" is a controversial theoretical construct based entirely on the reports of parents who claim to be falsely accused of incestuous abuse. In 1993, the FMSF noted that "False Memory Syndrome" is "a condition that needs to be considered and then confirmed or rejected when further information emerges" ("Our Critics," April 1993, p. 3). The current
*page 30*
empirical evidence suggests that the existence of such a syndrome must be rejected. False memory advocates have failed to adequately define or document the existence of a specific syndrome, and a review of the relevant literature demonstrates that the construct is based on a series of faulty assumptions, many of which have been disproven. Likewise, there no credible data showing that the vague symptoms they ascribe to this purported syndrome are widespread or constitute a crisis or epidemic.
This does not imply, however, that memory is infallible or that all people who are accused of sexual abuse are guilty. Both continuous and delayed memories are subject to distortion, and there are valid reasons to be suspicious of memories that are recalled only after the extensive use of suggestive techniques. Nevertheless, common sense and professional practice dictates that claims about a new diagnostic category reaching epidemic proportions require scientific substantiation. The public policy issues impacted by the false memory controversy are so important, that they deserve the most careful and intellectually honest scholarship that the academic and professional community has to offer. In the absence of any substantive scientific documentation, "False Memory Syndrome" must be recognized as a pseudoscientific syndrome that was developed by an advocacy group formed by people seeking to defend against claims of child abuse."

http://faculty.washington.edu/eloftus/Articles/sciam.htm

"We found this "imagination inflation" effect in each of the eight events that participants were asked to imagine. A number of possible explanations come to mind. An obvious one is that an act of imagination simply makes the event seem more familiar and that familiarity is mistakenly related to childhood memories rather than to the act of imagination. Such source confusion when a person does not remember the source of information can be especially acute for the distant experiences of childhood."

How often are Reports of Abuse False

http://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/res/csa-acc.html

"Research with children whose sexual abuse has been proven has shown that children tend to minimize and deny abuse, not exaggerate or over-report such incidents."

Some great things to read on this subject:

Woody Allen and the History of False Memory Syndrome

https://overland.org.au/2014/02/woody-allen-and-the-history-of-false-memory-syndrome/

A Child Abuse Investigators View

http://thedailybanter.com/2014/02/a-child-abuse-investigators-view-of-the-woody-allendylan-farrow-case/

In consideration of adding a lot of links/resources I am going to break the list into a series of connected posts.