A sensuous child; The List

It has been a while since I added to "The List" and I still have a few more important topics to write for it. This subject once again comes to us courtesy of a well meaning individual I know, and Lena Dunham. Disturbed by the title? Me too!

     This subject is really an extension of the whole discussion around normative sexual behavior in children as they grow up. I've already written about what normal sexual development in kids looks like and when there should be concern (abnormal behaviors). I have also written a lengthy post about sexual play or acting out focusing on the Lena Dunham controversy.  

So a well meaning individual I know told me that they didn't want me to feel bad about my sexual development or being a sexual person because of my quote "having always been a sensuous child". Also they didn't want me to mix up my being a sensuous child with blaming a parent for it. For anyone raised with healthy body boundaries and who was allowed to develop their sexuality normally you reaction should be "EWW, OH MY GOD!" and "WHY WOULD YOU EVER PUT SENSUOUS AND CHILD IN THE SAME SENTENCE?!"

     But for sexual abuse victims, or anyone raised with inappropriate boundaries and body violations you might actually have thought this is something plausible and that it was your fault or the way you were born. This is why I brought up Lena Dunham; she is someone who was exposed to an over sexual environment and somehow  believes she is a sexual revolutionary now and as a child (sensuous child). The only other crowd that gives this idea any thought is the crowd that supports the abusers or is somehow part of that dysfunctional system. They are trying to find ways to explain away the abuse and the child's behavior so they blame it on the child or try to make arguments such as the kid having always been sensuous.

     Let's put this idea to rest. There is no such thing as a sensuous child. There is no stage of sexual development during childhood in which that would ever occur (unless sexual abuse was present). This type of behavior and development would not even begin to occur until adolescence, and even then a very sexual teen who is acting out would still be a concern for whether or not they had been abused. Please see previous list posts about normal sexual development for reference. Kids are not sensuous! That is the most absurd thing I have ever heard about child development, and this is after having taken  developmental psychology during college- not a mention- ever- because it is not true!.

A Year in Review

     I don't do a very good job of patting myself on the back. I also skip by moments of growth as I throw myself mercilessly down the path to self perfection. I can forget to just pause and really see my growth and accomplishments and actually feel some sense of joy about them. So this post is going to serve as a momentary pause, where I say to myself "oh my God, I actually did that!".

     I think the biggest thing about this year was that I actually feel better both mentally and psychically. Addressing the abuse and deciding I wanted to heal all those scars knocked the wind out of my sails. I became much more introverted, I felt  exhausted and I felt like I would never feel better, ever again. Each year that passed during that beginning stage of healing felt depressing because I would still feel like disengaging from the world entirely. It often seemed hopeless, that the scars were far to deep and that I would be in a permanent handicapped state. I could have choked all the people who always say things like "it will get better, blah blah blah". For one that kind of sentiment expressed to someone going through healing form abuse can feel discrediting. You want to say "but it is hopeless, and I am broken, and I may never feel 100 %". You can't just swallow hope like a happy pill. How you feel in those moments is real and valid. The healing process is difficult and feeling hopeless about it is normal. Being one with whatever feelings I had and not trying to change how I felt has actually become an antidote of sorts. Without judging whatever state I was in by comparing it with what "I was supposed to do" helped me to move through that state much faster and I came out the other side much more solid than I would have thought.
Feeling better is something that has crept up on me. I didn't immediately realize it, as it was so slow and gradual. Then one day it had been going on for a long enough period for me to see the shift and the change it made. I am finally in the place where I can honestly say it does get better, you do come out the other side of the dark tunnel.  Still I would never say this to make anyone else feel like they need to buck up and be hopeful. The dark tunnel, sorrow and strife are real, and even if there is an opening on the other side, the pain of getting there is also real. Trying to force yourself into feeling something else "because you should feel hopeful and happy" is totally counter intuitive to the process.

     The next biggest thing was for the first time this year there were things I was not sorry for. I have done a lot of worrying and guilt over the path I have taken with family and friends. I second guessed everything, I walked on eggshells trying to draw boundaries and express myself in a way that they would hear me, and not take offense. I wanted to do everything right, I didn't want to discount their feelings or not give them the opportunity to address issues I was facing as well as in the relationship.  I didn't want to do anything wrong, I wanted to be guiltless as possible in my actions because I did not want to feel that burden of failure and that if everything went wrong it was all my fault. I also strained myself trying to figure out what was the right thing to do, and did I have any right to do it? Family is everything, you have a duty to your family, blood is thicker than water and you are supposed to forgive and forget. All those things fenced me in. I thought I must be a truly hateful and evil child of parents who "just made mistakes". But of course this leaves all the burden and responsibility in the child's court and none for the parents. It was supposed to be my responsibility to forgive them, accept them as imperfect beings, and stay in that relationship no matter what they did because they were my parents. This idea holds a lot of power in our culture, not just in Christian culture. And if all your scars are invisible abuse scars you have and even harder time proving that you deserve to be free of the individuals who raised you. Even though there is Bible verses that speak to parents and how they treat their children, the belief system I grew up in largely ignored that in favor of "honor thy mother and father". Children were raised with the idea they had very little rights if any, and they must bend their will to that of their parents. This sets you up for a difficult adjustment into adulthood and almost certainly insures that even if you establish independence you will never break away from your parents being in your life.

     Despite all I tried I found at the end of the day the relationships were not working for me, and they still were not healthy. Even though family members expressed a desire to engage with me, even do therapy, at the core of things it wasn't really a change. Other child had originally supported me when I came to them about the sexual abuse by Other Parent, but as time went on they had their doubts and predominantly wished to leave the past in the past. They wanted to me to be their friend and focus on doing things that were light and fun and that our relationship be about focusing on the good. There is nothing wrong with this, and sometimes we do have those type of relationships in our lives, ones that we don't share things on a deep level but get together for a good time. However for someone closer to me, and as my Sibling maintaining that kind of relationship is hard when they are supposed to be someone who accepts all sides of you. That was the problem, it wasn't that they wanted to focus on the good and positive it was that as a person close to me they didn't want to accept or deal with the full spectrum. And at the time I did not have the energy to invest in a surface level relationship were I could not be myself. I was going through hell and to pretend I wasn't felt cruel and counter to what I really needed at the time. I was too tired to want to hide the mess from someone who was supposed to be a supportive person in my life. I had already spent a lifetime hiding the mess of the abuse to protect others feelings and to keep from rocking the family structure.

     Vaarsuvius I had told from the beginning where I was at and what I needed going forward. They continued to stay defensive and tell me they just didn't know how it was possible I had been sexually abused by Other Parent. They didn't cave into saying they believed me for a whole year + and this was by the time I was quite through with trying to engage with them. Of course no one will believe me that their motivations in wanting to maintain the relationship were grounded in co-dependency, narcissism and abuse. Also because they seem to do all the things they are supposed to, it would seem like my reason for deciding to move to a position of no contact was unreasonable. Anyone who has lived with abusers or narcissist however will know how perfectly they play games in which they come out the victor and their opponent looks like and insane person, or just simply hateful and unreasonable. You just have to gird yourself with the truth and all your good and wise instincts and shove cotton balls in your ears for the wailing and gnashing of teeth not only by them but by all those who think they have been victimized by you. I actually was going to try therapy with V, but when I disassociated the very first time and felt terror I realized that I couldn't do it and something was wrong. I learned to always look beyond "the veil" with this relationship. What they did not do or say was always as important as what they did say or do. The real truth with the narcissist abuser always lies in subtly and metaphor and likely only you will see it because you know them best. This can make cutting ties difficult because that is all you have to rely on unless you have others who can talk to who can see it for what it is and cut through the BS. Even if Vaarsuvius was less of an abuser or not at all, I also had to learn what felt like a painful lesson; and that was it it didn't matter. How I felt being in the relationship and my health were all that mattered, whether or not they were a saint or devastatingly evil. I didn't need any justification of abuse to decide that there needed to be boundaries or that I was done. I say this is a painful lesson because because having grown up in an environment in which you think you are crazy and you forced to have reasonable justification for everything it can feel like wrenching yourself in an unnatural direction, and there is a lot of fear involved in that, especially fear of being wrong and being punished.

     It has taken making boundaries in all those relationships and more to finally be in a place where I was no longer sorry. It has taken 2 years and then some, and only finally really happened for me before Christmas when I had to address a relationship that I had tried to keep. I looked back on all that was said and done and felt solid about my conclusions and decisions. I also voiced things I would normally be afraid to say in our last communication, it was honest and firm. I still am uncertain but I think this is one of those relationships that got a bit of poisoning from my family members. I was really well done with the gossip mill and this person potentially taking it all as truth without talking to me. I was also done with being stuck in a place where if I said anything it would just make me look reactive and crazy, and the gossip mill would get to live another day. I decided I was done with that and found a way to put my foot down without giving the family any more fodder at my expense. It felt wonderful to just do it and not worry about saying the perfect thing, what did I have to lose?! I did it, and instead of rolling right into guilt, worry and shame for being a horrible person, I wasn't sorry! It was a revolutionary feeling, to for once not be sorry, to for once not just simply accept my status as the scapegoat without saying something, and to not worry about feeling responsible for all their behaviors and feelings. It's the first halt in a program that has been fairly well ingrained, and it feels fantastic.

Here is to a New Year of healing, accomplishing things, and being free and not being sorry about it!

From the trenches

     I was thinking about a blog post I had read offering career advice, and how similar such advice is to other self help advice. The posts author noted that most college graduation speakers are essentially not an accurate representation of the working world. These are people who have found their lucky break, or are one of the few majorly successful individuals out there. And when they offer advice on how they achieved this and they tell graduates to follow their dreams the advice couldn't be more misplaced or unrealistic. I am paraphrasing of course on what I took away from his post, and I think he made a really good point. It would have been much better to have someone come talk to graduates who was in the trenches of the working world, who had failed, who understood the struggles, and who had perhaps tried to follow their dreams and what they learned on the way.
I think the exact same thing is true for self help advice, especially advice given to survivors of childhood abuse/sexual abuse.

      A lot of the time when we hear survivor stories it's when they have already done the majority of recovery work and it seems as if they just believed in themselves and they miraculously transformed. Our culture and media coverage of survivors does not help to change this image, in fact it prefers to promote the miraculous recovery and the individuals who believed in themselves, a higher power, or had some other kind of inspiring moment that helped them to completely recover. The reason for this is because the subject of abuse is to dark and horrifying for our culture to deal with. That is why the poster faces for abuse in our country are people like Elizabeth Smart, and Erin Merryn. This is not to diminish their experience in anyway or say that their recovery and stories are not important because they are. But we don't get to see the real raw experience of healing from abuse. I have not read their books, perhaps there is more of that in their written and personal accounts, but I think you can take away the gist of what I am trying to say. Their televised interviews are not so raw and gritty and focus more on them being a miraculous survivor. It's very tame. Not only that the type of coverage these stories receive makes such women into passive victims (even if unintentional), and tends to strip their power away when it is clear that both women are not passive but actively pursuing justice.

     When it comes to self help advice and recovery stories I think a lot of survivors get the graduation speech version where "if you only follow your dreams and believe, you will recover". I think while inspiring a lot of self help advice is guilty of this. Even all of my favorite inspiring articles in O magazine seem to be from the perspective of those who have reached the finish line. At times it can feel like an advertisement to lose weight, "if you only follow this diet you can have your dream body". There is nothing wrong with inspiring articles, we do need them. But I think we also need the real, raw, and gritty versions of how people really got to that place, and for it be delivered with empathy and humor.

     I was thinking about all of this and reflecting upon the career advice blog post because I had written a self help style post yesterday. And while I think I captured some of the realness of my experiences I thought that in an effort to continue to keep it a more honest and real self help post I would write a follow up post; from the trenches.
Not long after writing my post yesterday I still ended up feeling depressed and despairing about the future.

     I still don't love myself, I have a lot of ideas about my worth that still need to be dismantled. I still don't like being me, and I still don't like being in my body. My Bitch Self hates it. I think the Bitch self is connected to my inner child and that they desperately desire to be someone else. The need to be perfect probably comes from the fact that inner child is the one who holds all of the abuse that happened. I still felt lonely yesterday, even with the realization that I have so much more than I would if i were still connected to my family, I felt lonely. Being a survivor who comes out and speaks the truth does not result in being admonished for your bravery (not very often). It more than likely results in you seeing the true nature of your entire family and seeing the beliefs they hold manifest themselves in the flesh. And all of these beliefs are toxic. It results in them shaming you and trying to punish your for upsetting everyone, or you have do what I did and disconnect for a time period. Though in my case it will likely be permanent.

     It's hard to love yourself when you have been told you are worthless, not only over your entire childhood but again when your entire family rejects you for speaking out. When I feel so low I can tend to disassociate to detach from the feelings of rejection and that I feel I lack in value. This is often when I go into a mode where I have to fix everything, and I want everything to be perfect because somehow I think it will make everything okay, or maybe finally make me lovable, someone my family would love.
Any attempts to step outside my role of scapegoat and be confident were either dashed or taken away from me. This was especially true of anything that remotely looked like an accomplishment. Vaarsuvius couldn't have that because it might take away from them. They were jealous and Narcissistic, and they told me I could do nothing right, but yet I somehow was supposed to achieve perfection. Perfection was not what they wanted either. If I were perfect I still would not have won their love and respect. They didn't really want me perfect because then I would have been a threat. They wanted me stuck between never good enough and reaching for perfection where I would spin my wheels and get nowhere.

     My family had a hierarchy, a caste system and I was supposed to stay in my role/ station in life and not reach above it. In so many ways I was told what things were for me and what things were not for someone like me. Not only that stepping out of the role of lowly creature for even a moment, and showing any sense of power would get me in trouble. I would be put back in my place. Laying low and out of sight was often best. Not only did they tell me what I could and could not do, directly or indirectly, I began to adopt this program for myself and began to define what things were for me and what things weren't.

     I think planning New Years resolutions gives me a sense of control over my life that I did not have back then. It is also a rebellion against who they said I had to be. I want to decide for myself what I want to be and map it out all over Pinterest. The only problem is that I am still buying into the belief and what they told me. And that is that there was something wrong with me to begin with. It is wonderful to have the power to decide who you want to be and what you want your life to look like. But if you assume that there was something wrong with you to begin with it won't be an empowering change, you will still be fighting your Bitch self and holding onto self hate.

      My mode of planning the perfect life is an attempt to run far away from the part of myself I do not love. I think if I create the perfect life, and the perfect self I can leave that other part behind. But it's still there, always there. When I think about the advice to love yourself, it assumes that you have enough inner love already to do that. If you don't and you try it, your inner self will call you on the carpet. It will be like a trying to pull one on a little kid, who then crosses their arms and shows you that they have all intentions of going limp noodle. I loved a passage I read in The Courage To Heal, it was a writing exercise to your inner child. It suggested that you be honest, if you didn't feel warm and fuzzy self love towards the inner child to be honest about it. Tell them that is where you are at but you still want to start talking. Admitting that lets you be exactly as you are in the moment which is actually self compassion. Also you can't just placate your inner self with insincerity, and even if you don't feel warm and fuzzy your inner self will at least know you are not trying to lie to them or ignore what you feel. I did some of those writing exercises and it seemed to help create a truce inside myself. But not even this exercise was enough to completely change how I felt.  Dealing with perfection and self loathing are a daily struggle, best met with self compassion, though I don't always manage that. I keep slowly going forward and trying to change the messages from my family that I internalized as truth.

     New Years depression can set in because I look around at things I want to do and realize that that I don't have all the money in the world to do them. I get frustrated and depressed and I carry around this idea of what I thought my adult self was supposed to look like, what I was supposed to have achieved.

      All of this is connected to those same messages about value. I am not currently working because a lot of my coping mechanisms of dealing with things fell away when I started to address the abuse and begin my work of healing myself. I was exhausted and I felt I couldn't keep up with the world. Reality check: being a survivor often means feeling exactly what I just described but many people do not have the option to stop working. I am lucky and I don't take that for granted, but even so my spouse and I make sacrifices to make this work until I can return to a career. And for survivors like myself sometimes you may have a limited amount of people in your support network, and perhaps no spouse. This is devastating when your family then rejects you in favor of protecting the abuser or just because they can't handle what you are saying. It can be really difficult to take time off from work or explain why you are having such a hard time if you are still in a career.  I have a very hard time not feeling like an adult, feeling lazy, and worrying that I won't heal up fast enough to make any contributions to the world. This is compounded by the lack of visible scarring, so when engaging with others trying to explain why you needed the time off or why your are exhausted can be difficult. Our world does not make enough allowances for mental health and healing.

     I hope this post helps other survivors out there, and to let you know you are not alone. I wake up with bad hair, bitter coffee and have an apartment that I wish a maid crew would come clean because even sans career, some days are too much to want to lift a finger. I face the bathroom mirror with self loathing and my body frequently with shame. I consume copious amounts of books and self help articles just to try and make myself feel better, and everyday feels like a therapy session. Part of me still wants to wake up after New Years eve with a body that would make Heidi Klum jealous and then head to my corporate offices and a company that would make Martha Stewart jealous. I am still that little girl who wants to be 13 going on 30 and who prays:

    I still feel that way, but I hope to keep searching for ways I can authentically love myself. However I grimace because the journey there is messy, and I will  fall back into self loathing and those other things I learned from childhood. I will want to be perfect and just to have a magic fix. But maybe even then I will still be achieving the spirit of my goal to embrace my imperfections. Because when I think about it if I feel my life is not perfect and I have messed up in the self love department, and I fall back into the hole where I try and be perfect; embracing that whole mess is pretty much what accepting imperfection is. It is not trying to be perfect by not being a perfectionist or anything else. It is doing exactly that and being as kind to yourself as you can. I feel like I should say "aha". Anyways from the trenches, one survivor to others, I want you to know that I still think having to go through the abuse and then all work of healing sucks. I didn't want to be here, but here I am anyway. It's not pretty, it is often gritty and sad. I just keep trying to heal and work things out as best I can. I think that is the true reality for survivors, even those who are thriving, you do the best you can, and try to let it be enough.

 Best wishes,

Nora

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Growing bones; The List

Because of conversations I have had with family and friends about this topic, and recently I read a blog comment discussing it; I thought I would write about it. It is a good item to add to the list.

     The topic is methods of healing from childhood abuse. I have found that abusers, those that defend them and sometimes even the victims themselves operate from this perspective: It happened in the past- move on. Sometimes childhood abuse experiences also get diminished "Others had it worse, mine wasn't that bad". When the abuser themselves use this argument of "get over it already" or " I didn't hurt you that bad" the general motivation is to diminish, shame and squash the victims impulses to make the abuser accountable, it can keep the victim in their place and help the abuser stay out of trouble. Now coming from interested parties and those that might defend the abuser, it comes from a place not wanting to deal with the harsh reality of the abuse, and that a person they care for might be the abuser. Victims turn to this mode of thinking for a few reasons, because it can help them survive bad situations, keep them from getting in trouble with the abuser for telling, and also keep their family/friends comfortable, not rocking the boat so to speak. The last reason a victim might choose to think this way is to protect themselves inwardly. 

     Healing from abuse is a process and it can often times be painful to acknowledge what happened, and all the feelings that go with it. It can require some deep and painful digging into oneself, and be the epitome of a long dark scary hallway. We are afraid of what we might find down there, and rightfully so. Abuse creates lot's of complexities we have to sort through. Sometimes we can't handle any of this, or we are not in a safe enough place to begin our healing. Sometimes a victim is not even conscious of the abuse, it has been stowed away for safe keeping in an effort to survive. This survival mechanism can protect us from memories we cannot handle. It can be a combination of unconscious things and conscious things and the victim/survivor very flatly decides that the things in the past are done and over with and they want to move on. It ranges from a sort of denial to flat out denial (this excludes survivors who have blacked out everything).

     So denial is never good. Long term affects of denial do manifest in our health and well being, so it is not optimal to stay permanently in a state of avoidance. However the healing process can look very different for each person. One may have a stop and start flow, dealing with some aspects now and then picking it up again after a few years. Another might have their "aha" moment and start and take a more slow steady road. The Courage To Heal addresses this subject, and has similar remarks about timing and how we go about our healing. What matters is what works for you, and being conscious of how the abuse has affected your life.  Deciding to heal from abuse is a choice, look at your life and ask yourself the Dr. Phil question "How's that working out for you?". If you feel that you are fine in the current moment, okay. As long as you are going in the direction you want to go in, and are happy then continue with what you are doing. If that question sparks more questions then maybe it is time to re-evaluate. Even then you might only change a few things.

     I think it is our natural knee jerk reaction at times to avoid the healing process, which is often just as much a growth process. I was reminded the other day about a quote I had heard while in college, it was something to do with growing bones. What a painful thing that would be! I think though it really encompasses healing from abuse very well. 

Our healing is like growing bones, sometimes very painful, awkward and bizarre. Why would anyone decide to go through something like that?

Because the alternative is not having any bones.

My family thinks I don't love them

My family thinks I don't love them.

The rumor mill has turned out quite a few theories that make them feel more comfortable about my absence. The current favorite is steeped in a mythology Vaarsuvius has created. It started when I was very young when they decided who I was, how I was, and they told everyone else this decided judgement. It had just enough truth in it to become an all encompassing definition, and no matter what I did or said no one would change their mind because "the truth" seemed to be so obvious. I thrashed against this for years, but it only made it stick more.

     They think I have isolated myself. They are mistaking isolation for good solid healthy boundaries. They have also mistaken this for as my trying to cause them pain, be hurtful. That is a mythology adhered to by those who don't know what healthy boundaries actually mean. Townsend and Cloud discuss this in their book Boundaries. So part of this feeling hurt on their part means they don't think I love them. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I love them, have loved them and in fact have spent years trying to chase after their love, affection, respect.  It didn't go well. While Vaarsuvius would swear on their life that they loved me and were affectionate with me, this was coupled with abandonment.

So this is a letter to them, those that think I feel no love at all.

     For you whom I have loved for so long. I've never not loved you, but at some point I figured out that I was chasing after ghosts. Vaarsuvius and Other child, you have only ever wanted me when I was able to give you something in some way or another, it was always about your "needing me", but you didn't respect me, value you me. I was a resource you liked to have, your comfort when you had bad days, your therapist, but as soon as you were done you dropped me like I was nothing. I waited till you would want me again, greedily snapping up any attention you would throw my way, chasing after you like a puppy dog, waiting and hoping for approval and validation. You didn't respect me as a person, you thought I was weak, over emotional. You didn't value my natural talents and accomplishments.
Dear Family everything in our relationship has always been about you. When we have problems you don't see how you in any way contribute them, you take the defense, you feel "emotionally devastated". You only ever want a relationship with me when I am willing to agree with you on everything, be happy, cheerful and not rock the boat.  When you say to me you just want me to be happy, you don't mean it. You want me to happy in the way you define it. You don't want to be mutually responsible for the relationship, you don't want me to have any feelings, you don't want me to tell you when I've felt you hurt them.  You can't handle accepting responsibility for any of your behaviors, you deflect, defend and I walk on eggshells.  Your lack of understanding regarding a healthy dynamic in which boundaries are normal was shown by the smallest boundary requests being rejected and resulting in  temper tantrums. You were unwilling to compromise, you took it as a personal assault, my needs didn't matter at all, it was all about you, how hurt you were by the situation. You have not cared about what was really good for me, only how you felt and were affected. Requesting something from you is an imposition, my being dramatic, "why can't I just do this one thing for you".
I have tried everything I can think of, even though you won't believe me. I finally figured out that you were not going to change, so I had to. I distanced myself from the relationships in the family The dynamics have been unhealthy to say the least, and the energy I expended trying to fight that dynamic resulted in me being sucked in and it took its toll on my life.

Quite honestly it's not that I don't love you, but that you don't really love me.

Normal Childhood exploration; The List

 Lena Dunham's memoir release and the subsequent scandal makes this the perfect time to address the next thing on the list: Normal Childhood exploration.

     I was recently reminded by a well meaning individual that all kids go through a phase of being curious about their bodies. While they meant it to mean I had misinterpreted
this simply life fact and using it to support my case of childhood sexual abuse was using air to hold up my case; they are not wrong. Kids do go through their normal stages of development being curious of their bodies and their peers/family members. When we think of babies or even toddlers stumbling about their homes, dropping to the floor and putting their face into the carpet because the are curious about the texture and how the view of everything from the floor is different, so it follows that they would look at themselves and what must seem like odd and fascinating features to them and be filled with the same curiosity.
     
      Kid's health says "By preschool, most kids have developed a strong sense of being a boy or girl, and continue to explore their bodies even more purposefully. It's not a good idea to scold them when they touch themselves — this will only prompt a sense of guilt and shame.Parents may, however, want to explain that even though it feels good, touching should be done in private — preschoolers are old enough to understand that some things are not meant to be public. They're also old enough to understand that no one — not even family members or other people they trust — should ever touch them in a way that feels uncomfortable.
Your preschooler will continue to learn important sexual attitudes from you — from how you react to people of the opposite sex to how you feel about nudity.
Parents may, however, want to explain that even though it feels good, touching should be done in private — preschoolers are old enough to understand that some things are not meant to be public. They're also old enough to understand that no one — not even family members or other people they trust — should ever touch them in a way that feels uncomfortable.
Your preschooler will continue to learn important sexual attitudes from you — from how you react to people of the opposite sex to how you feel about nudity.

     Parents may, however, want to explain that even though it feels good, touching should be done in private — preschoolers are old enough to understand that some things are not meant to be public. They're also old enough to understand that no one — not even family members or other people they trust — should ever touch them in a way that feels uncomfortable.
Your preschooler will continue to learn important sexual attitudes from you — from how you react to people of the opposite sex to how you feel about nudity."

http://kidshealth.org/parent/growth/sexual_health/development.html#

   
     Due to the belief that organizations like CPS are anti family, anti Christian Home School I have often heard this idea that parents are afraid of being victims of the system because their child engaged in normative sexual development behavior, and it being seen as a sign of them molesting the child. In fact the well meaning individual went on to tell me that they knew of examples of where this horrifying tale became reality and that parents where falsely accused. It comes with this presumption and fear about the system and there is always some incident that seems to confirm the fear, even if the actual incidents of false accusation are a very small percentage.  I am also fairly certain, but I will have to do a little more research into the process, that CPS would not base a whole case of childhood sexual abuse based on normative incidents of sexual development.

So if that being the case, aside from a belief perspective why the fear? Is it that hard to differentiate between normal and abnormal sexual behavior in children? Yes and no "(...) when a child engages in sexual behaviors, it can be difficult to decide when the behavior is natural and healthy, and when it may reflect a problem or disturbance. The normative behaviors of childhood and adolescence are of concern when they are extensive or suggest preoccupation, or involve others in ways that are not consensual. Sexual behaviors in children present a special concern when they appear as prominent features in a child’s life, or when sexual play or behaviors are not welcomed by other children involved in the play. This is the point at which sexually harmful and aggressive behaviors most closely and clearly hinges." http://www.mnadopt.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Recognizing-Healthy-Unhealthy-Sexual-Development-in-Children.pdf

When a child's sexual behavior seems to spill out all over their life, that is when to put up the red flag. Also in my personal opinion certain types of self exploration paired with other factors can also be indications of abuse, and a good time for parents, teachers to tune into what is going on in the child's world.  I believe that is what organizations like CPS begin to take into account when their is concerns about child sexual abuse. In working with parts of the educational system I have observed that things like sexual play, or self exploration will be usually noted and general observation of whether or not in other factors seem to present will be made. If there is nothing else it stays in the child's file as a simple behavior note.

     As a survivor when you are looking over your history and trying to piece together what happened those are the things to keep in mind. You can begin to discern between what was normal and what really caused by abuse. And while you will be told by abusers and their defenders that "it was all normal" you can stay strong in what you know, re-visit the facts and look at all the puzzle pieces that come together forming the truth.

     
     Now we come to Lena Dunham and her now infamous memoir passages discussing sexual behaviors during childhood. In light of knowing that sex exploration is normal, why is Lena's account troubling? They way she describes what occurred shows a level of preoccupation about sex that seems to have existed in childhood and persisted in adulthood. It is possible that she chose to write about normal sexual development incidents in a provocative manner to incite drama and get excess amounts of press coverage. But personally I think it is more than that, taking into account what she describes, what we know about her parents, her upbringing, it all comes together as a portrait of someone who was abused.  Books like the courage to heal will back me up when I say that the possible types of sexual exposure Dunham experienced was childhood sexual abuse. 

     Her mothers lack of concern when she found Dunham and her sister engaged in sexual play shows that she was not necessarily a parent who was in tune with her children. I don't think she was simply unconcerned because she found the behavior to be normal. In fact her reaction mimics a pattern of disconnection by one parent when the other is being inappropriate or creating an inappropriate environment. This could be because their is spousal abuse in play, or they are coping with the situation through disconnection and denial.

     Dunhams age at the time of the incidents means that she was not yet in a developmental stage where she would have come into her own sexually. Her actions seem to indicate premature sexual behavior due to external influences. Age 7 is not old enough to be thinking about masturbating next to someone without other influences in play.
      
     The Courage to Heal says " Sometimes children who are sexually abused molest other children. When children mimic and repeat what was done to them, this is called abuse-reactive behavior. Sometimes these victims are too young to understand that what they're doing is wrong and can harm the other child. Most children who act out sexually with children feel an enormous guilt and shame."


     I don't think Lena wants to cause shock and awe in the sense that we might assume. I think there is that inner child in her that is still trying to sort out what happened in her environment,  I think she is trying to find ownership over her sexuality and find ownership instead of shame about her interactions with her sister. If she comes off as sexually independent and edgy then she doesn't have to feel the shame. Much of this probably occurring on an unconscious level.
I think that is why she included those things in her memoir, she is still acting out and that the little girl in her still trying to make sense of what she was exposed to. Again from an unconscious place she might be trying to pass it off as provocative, or normal to make herself feel better. 
Do I think her memoir was appropriate? No, and I do not think she should be defended as someone who is just sexually empowered, I think the opposite is true.
 
     Dunham has acted out in a very public manner, trying to express herself even if on an unconscious level. She is trying to get someone to hear her, to acknowledge her experience. Perhaps she is trying to acknowledge it to herself. She also might be projecting it outward because it is too much to hold on to internally.  There is a lot of discussion going on about boundaries, consent and raising children who are healthy in their sexual development. I think this is a great opportunity to engage on those subjects. However as a survivor I feel that childhood sexual abuse is not yet an important enough part of the general discussion. 

     I think what she is expressing is an uncomfortable subject for our culture. We don't like to deal with sexual abuse, especially not graphically. That's why Dunhams memoir has for the most part formed three groups of thought, that she is either a sexual revolutionary (a feminist), she is a predator, or was simply not taught good boundaries. It would make our culture happier to couch her behavior in terms of bad boundaries, by doing that it excuses us from having to take a deeper look. It's almost like comparing it to a child growing up without ever learning to clean up after themselves.
The truth is her behavior during childhood was likely more complicated than a lack of boundaries, or being a predator. And in no way is it simply about Dunham writing about childhood sexual development in a feminist fashion. In fact their was nothing feminist about her choice to write about her experience in the manner she did nor in her descriptions. 

     While Dunahm may be unconsciously acting out, she is still engaging in unhealthy, dare I say inappropriate behavior. I am concerned about her lack of understanding about consent and am somewhat horrified for her sister.  I do not yet know if her sister gave her permission to write about their childhood interactions, but even if she did Dunham's descriptions are in my opinion disrespectful and do not paint a portrait of child's play or consent, but of objectification. It was not thoughtful or reflective, her dialogue was highly sexual and erotic in tone.

      I had looked up to Dunham as an empowered feminist of my generation, I was excited that fashion magazines chose to put her on the cover, a normal curvy woman. Now I feel sadness, and concern. I hope, even though I disagree with her behavior, is that as a culture we are able to open a broader discussion up about childhood sexual abuse. I hope we don't just shuffle aside Dunham's blatant way of engaging in a difficult subject ( even if poorly done) for what makes us comfortable.

Trusting your memory; The List (trigger warning)

So while we now know that having a false memory is highly improbable and almost always associated with intentional outside influences, how do we trust the memories we do have or what if we don't have any specific memories at all?

     One of the first things we often read as a survivor beginning the healing process is  The Courage to Heal, so lets start there. In the chapter titled the Healing Process their is a section titled The Essential Truth of Memory, its on page Eighty four. This section deals with how we remember things and suggests that memories are often not a perfect tool to understanding what happened. Distortion occurs "a common example is in the description of size. A small child may remember the abuser as being huge or the abuser's genitals as filling her whole field of vision. One survivor who was abused by a teacher remembered that the school was enormous, with extremely high ceilings and wide corridors. When she went back as an adult, she was shocked at how small it really was"(Bass & Davis, 2008, p. 84). Often these distortions are simply a protective mechanism blocking more traumatic memories.

     Despite inaccuracies in what we remember, those memories are not any less important "although inaccuracies may exist in your memory, you can still work with what you remember as an indication of what you felt (...) she assumed that he penetrated her vagina-perhaps with a finger or his penis-and the feeling was so painful, so cutting, that she, in her child's mind, had no concept for it other than a knife"(Bass & Davis, 2008, p. 84).

     To me most important is understanding that this indication of what you felt is a guide, it is a marker that says something happened to you. You don't have to remember perfectly to know that something happened, or that you strongly believe it was sexual abuse. Those memories do not come out of nowhere, they are not the product of a twisted imagination. They are your mind trying to deal with and make sense of what happened and it's way of communicating that to you. We don't have a reference for sexual abuse at a young age or know how to process it, so our brilliant minds store it away and protect us from remembering, or scatter the pieces of memory about in a hide and seek sort of fashion but the clues are changed to fit what we can handle.
     
     Another major indicator about how we felt is our body and its memories.  Our body is a permeable sponge with thoughts and feelings of its own "memories are stored in our bodies- in sensations, feelings, and physical responses. Even if you don't know what took place, memory fragments of what you suffered can endure. You may be assailed by unexplained physical pain or sexual arousal, fear, confusion or any other sensory aspect of the abuse"(Bass & Davis, 2008, p. 76-77). Body memory has been one of my indicators of abuse, as well as my overall health during childhood and the years leading up to my decision to heal. My body had always been screaming loudly in its own fashion that something was terribly wrong and that something had happened. This along with how I felt in my home environment and the memories I have of the abuse has helped to create a really solid map that says, "yes this happened, and it happened to me".

     What if there are no memories? If there are no memories but you are suspicious that something happened, that feeling is a red flag to pay attention to. I would then begin to look for those other indicators, such as discussed above. "You may not recall particular incidents such as the one this survivor describes, but you may discover that you know more than you think you do about the environment in which you grew up"(Bass & Davis, 2008, p. 86). So if you feel de-railed by doubt or because their is pressure and doubt from others, or your abuser is trying to discredit you, take heart. Not having memories does not make you crazy or in anyway say you have an imagination that has run wild.
     This is the point in time to take care of yourself and start paying attention to what other indicators there might be. If you are unsure and have not told anyone yet, seeing a therapist can be really helpful. I would recommend taking your time and take all things into consideration. With something as serious as sexual abuse preparing ourselves and standing solidly in what we know is of great benefit when we come forward and voice what has happened to us, and if we choose to confront our abuser(s).


Kali Munro M.Ed psychotherapist wrote a lovely blog post (2001) titled Trusting Your Memories of Child Abuse. You can read her post here:http://kalimunro.com/wp/articles-info/sexual-emotional-abuse/trusting-your-memories-of-sexual-abuse

      Abusers and their defenders often cite that the child never told anyone about the abuse, and us it as  evidence to say the abuse never occurred and them only doing so now means they made it up. This Psychology Today article; Why don't child sex abuse victims tell, discusses false memory. "Of course memories fade and become less reliable over time. Of course memories of specific details of events can be wrong. Of course memories of events that are witnessed for the very first time are subject to observerbiases, missed aspects of the events, and sensory information that is misinterpreted. However, the big picture is unlikely to be misremembered" (Allen, David, M.d, 2012).
 http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/matter-personality/201210/why-dont-child-sex-abuse-victims-tell

Further resource reading:

Is the Child Victim of Sexual Abuse Telling the Truth
http://www.secasa.com.au/pages/is-the-child-victim-of-sexual-abuse-telling-the-truth/

Myths/Facts Regarding Child Sexual Assault
http://www.porterco.org/index.aspx?nid=341

If you are a survivor you might need this someday; the list

There comes a day when all the careful considerations you have made as to why you know that you were really and truly sexually abused get assaulted.

    Even though you have read books, made your therapist explain over and over why you are not imagining things, there will be a day when you stand shakily on not so solid ground. So when you get there, because I have been there, I want you to have this methodical list to read over and over to yourself. Make it your mantra. I am going to help you systematically defend against every manipulative, destructive thing used against you to try and discredit you and make you doubt yourself.

Let's start with a favorite shall we. The first line of defense by abusers and those who support them; False Memory Syndrome.

Here is the wikipeidia definition: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_memory_syndrome

 I would not recommend going to the FMS foundation site, there is plenty of resources concerning them without you having to suffer the "ick" factor of using their site.

Truths about False Memories:

- It has been found that in a scenario such as a bank robbery individuals may not accurately remember details of the incident or the perpetrators. They may even wrongly describe what the perpetrators look like. However no one was ever confused as to whether or not the robbery occurred.

- Researchers have successfully implanted false memories of minor anxiety/trauma into individuals as well as non anxiety/ trauma memories. However what you need to understand is that none of these were childhood abuse or childhood sexual abuse memories. It is not ethical to subject subjects to such a test.
One study got adults to remember details of being lost in a mall as a child even though they had not. But even this is not black and white, because it relies on memories that are common occurrences. What child has not at one point been lost or thought they lost their parents for even just a moment in a crowd? And we know that we do not accurately remember things so the researches suggesting details that feel real to that scenario makes it easy to understand why the subjects would have thought it a real memory. It felt like a real memory and it even relied on a very real memory/feeling. In other words it took root because the subject probably did have a moment in childhood were they got lost or lost site of their parents in the crowd.
As I understand it, this means that the researches are not able to implant a false memory that does not have connection to a true memory. And just like with the bank robbery, abused individuals may have fuzzy details but are not confused as to whether or not something happened.
It has also not been proven that they could truly implant a false memory of something so traumatizing as abuse.

- In a therapy setting due to the consideration of suggestion affecting what the survivor remembers therapists in most cases don't use guided questions/ suggestions about abuse or go digging to see if they can find any memory of such trauma.

- External factors and influences would need to be present for a false memory to exist.

- Getting subjects to use their imagination was also needed for some studies conclusions.

Sources:
http://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/res/dallam/6.html

"The "False Memory Syndrome" is a controversial theoretical construct based entirely on the reports of parents who claim to be falsely accused of incestuous abuse. In 1993, the FMSF noted that "False Memory Syndrome" is "a condition that needs to be considered and then confirmed or rejected when further information emerges" ("Our Critics," April 1993, p. 3). The current
*page 30*
empirical evidence suggests that the existence of such a syndrome must be rejected. False memory advocates have failed to adequately define or document the existence of a specific syndrome, and a review of the relevant literature demonstrates that the construct is based on a series of faulty assumptions, many of which have been disproven. Likewise, there no credible data showing that the vague symptoms they ascribe to this purported syndrome are widespread or constitute a crisis or epidemic.
This does not imply, however, that memory is infallible or that all people who are accused of sexual abuse are guilty. Both continuous and delayed memories are subject to distortion, and there are valid reasons to be suspicious of memories that are recalled only after the extensive use of suggestive techniques. Nevertheless, common sense and professional practice dictates that claims about a new diagnostic category reaching epidemic proportions require scientific substantiation. The public policy issues impacted by the false memory controversy are so important, that they deserve the most careful and intellectually honest scholarship that the academic and professional community has to offer. In the absence of any substantive scientific documentation, "False Memory Syndrome" must be recognized as a pseudoscientific syndrome that was developed by an advocacy group formed by people seeking to defend against claims of child abuse."

http://faculty.washington.edu/eloftus/Articles/sciam.htm

"We found this "imagination inflation" effect in each of the eight events that participants were asked to imagine. A number of possible explanations come to mind. An obvious one is that an act of imagination simply makes the event seem more familiar and that familiarity is mistakenly related to childhood memories rather than to the act of imagination. Such source confusion when a person does not remember the source of information can be especially acute for the distant experiences of childhood."

How often are Reports of Abuse False

http://www.leadershipcouncil.org/1/res/csa-acc.html

"Research with children whose sexual abuse has been proven has shown that children tend to minimize and deny abuse, not exaggerate or over-report such incidents."

Some great things to read on this subject:

Woody Allen and the History of False Memory Syndrome

https://overland.org.au/2014/02/woody-allen-and-the-history-of-false-memory-syndrome/

A Child Abuse Investigators View

http://thedailybanter.com/2014/02/a-child-abuse-investigators-view-of-the-woody-allendylan-farrow-case/

In consideration of adding a lot of links/resources I am going to break the list into a series of connected posts.

October; The beginning of the Holiday blues

     Last year I was in the storage closet searching for the bin I had put the Fall/Halloween decor. I had to move quite a few things around, and then mistakenly opened up the Christmas bin thinking it was the one I wanted. Bang! the smell of the cinnamon pine cones stuffed between paper wrapped ornaments hit me. It was like someone punched me, the powerful smell followed by the sight of Christmas things, totems for memories. I think I cried.      

     This year seems to be no different. I care a lot about my home, it's like my temple. Similar to the Goddess Hestia; it is core to my being to maintain the hearth fire and be a center place for others to gather and be warm. It could be seen as something more traditional, but for me this is spiritual. I deeply value my temple (home) as a quiet place that I take care of and feed my own soul as well as being a place where others can gather. So decorating, cooking and planning holiday events for friends and family is something that pulls me in, and with the loss of family it pulls on my heartstrings; I feel a lot of grief.    

      Not only is there grief about not being able to fulfill these inner values in the ways I have before, there is a lot of stress related to the holidays. Giving and being that hearth place is  one of my greatest values, and primary love languages. The family I come from had large gatherings especially around the holiday's. I miss that hustle and bustle, feeding everybody and sitting down to play card games that were a well rooted pastime. And without those things I feel the loss, it stings.      I know I look at the past with rose colored glasses. The stress that plagues me now was just alive back then, and not all those holiday events were warm and fuzzy, even though I desperately needed them to be. I really worked hard to get all those needs met and create the warm and fuzzy feelings that I wanted. I ran myself into the ground. I wanted my family to love me, to show me that all that work and effort was worth it because my gifts and efforts made them happy. But emotional response was not always their strong suit, especially Varsuvius.   

         I have this switch that flicks on inside me each year at the start of the holidays and it is the start of three months of tension, anxiety and running around burning myself out. Now even though I don't have my family I find myself  still trying to distract myself from the negative things just like when I was a kid. And now instead of trying to get Varsuvius to love me, to show appreciation when I give them a gift I do that with my husband. Though I must state that while not a super bubbly person about getting gifts, he is worlds away from being anything like Varsuvius and tells me he loves me all the time. It's really my program and fear that comes up on repeat and not that I have found someone else to fulfill the role of Varsuvius in my life.   

     This program didn't use to hit until December, at the earliest it was after Thanksgiving when I would normally put a tree up with my family. But now it starts out in the beginning of October and peaks out at Christmas eve which is filled with a lot of anxiety. What makes this year and the last different is the accompanying grief and dread of the start of the Holiday cycle. It begins in October leading to Halloween and rolling into Thanksgiving and Christmas. This is the first year in which I dread having to make it through the next few months of Holiday chaos.Normally all the running around and throwing myself into the holiday spirit would keep me from despairing.       

      I have come to loathe Thanksgiving due to tainted memories and epic family drama, and now I partially loathe the idea of Christmas. Something that I have always held onto so tightly and made such a huge effort to make sure it was perfect, and now I honestly don't even want to put up a tree. I thought about the people society labels as humbugs because the holidays are too painful for them, and I feel a respecting sympathy. I also feel a kinship in rejecting the favored trite advice that seems to get dolled out during the holiday's, and understand the seemingly "harden hearts" of these individuals due to their wish to not feel pain. I don't want to feel pain either! And I now quite honestly have to say with new perspective that the advice to “open up your heart”, “feel the joy and love of the season” is not always the answer.       

     I can't ask myself to ignore how I feel and shove it under the rug, I have to honor my grief and respect that the next three months are painful and sad. I feel I need to find a balance. I may not want to do some Holiday activities this year, but feel okay doing others. I think it is most important to find out what it is you need during the holidays. While I do love the Fairy tale, holiday stories of Debbie Macomber "Mrs. Miracle",

 I know that holiday broken hearts don't fit into a one size fits all cure. Yet our culture expects such an angel to make us change without taking into account our very real situations and feelings. People get very sensitive about quote “Holiday haters”, and they feel offended “if only we would open our hearts”. But here's the thing, grief is very individual, so is the timing and the cure. Yes sometimes we need family and friends to prod us a little, but not beyond respecting our boundaries and acknowledging the validity of our feelings and that we have our own timing for these things.     Also as an abuse survivor what is really important to me is others respecting the validity of my boundaries with my family. Holiday Fairy Tales of forgiveness are swell, unless they undermine the validity of the victims feelings and boundaries. Forgiveness is not a sedative you take so you can forget all the violations that occurred, it does not mean that everything is okay, and it is not about the people who hurt you. It is a tool to empower you to move forward, and does not even have to involve those who hurt you. Choosing to re-connect is also a very personal decision and is really on a case by case basis. Abuse survivors do not need to be goaded during the holidays with “if only you would forgive, and reconnect”.   

   I have done some research to try and help myself get through the next few months, and have looked for practical advice that actually takes into account the real feelings of going through the holidays as a survivor and the many obstacles with family estranged and otherwise we might face. I wanted to include a few resources that I have found to be especially helpful.

I am re-gifting Christmas; By Christina Enevoldsenhttp://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2010/12/24/im-re-gifting-christmas/

"I developed many more ideas about what Christmas was supposed to be. Christmas was supposed to be white with snowmen and glistening trees, though seventy degree Arizona winters made that unlikely. Christmas was supposed to be extended family gathering from the corners of the globe, though through feuds and disinterest, that never happened."

Pain Surrounding the Holiday; By Christina Enevoldsen
http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2011/11/23/pain-surrounding-the-holiday/

"In the past few years of healing from childhood sexual abuse and separating from my abusive parents, I’ve approached each holiday feeling a little anxious. Holidays used to be times for gathering with family and now they are reminders of the loss. Even though I’ve worked through most of my grief, I never know when another layer might surface. It’s especially hard to be grieving when it seems that everyone else is celebrating."

I do not yet have permission to link a couple other sources yet, but I want to encourage you to read Faith Allen's blog and her discussions of being a survivor around the holiday's.