A Year in Review

     I don't do a very good job of patting myself on the back. I also skip by moments of growth as I throw myself mercilessly down the path to self perfection. I can forget to just pause and really see my growth and accomplishments and actually feel some sense of joy about them. So this post is going to serve as a momentary pause, where I say to myself "oh my God, I actually did that!".

     I think the biggest thing about this year was that I actually feel better both mentally and psychically. Addressing the abuse and deciding I wanted to heal all those scars knocked the wind out of my sails. I became much more introverted, I felt  exhausted and I felt like I would never feel better, ever again. Each year that passed during that beginning stage of healing felt depressing because I would still feel like disengaging from the world entirely. It often seemed hopeless, that the scars were far to deep and that I would be in a permanent handicapped state. I could have choked all the people who always say things like "it will get better, blah blah blah". For one that kind of sentiment expressed to someone going through healing form abuse can feel discrediting. You want to say "but it is hopeless, and I am broken, and I may never feel 100 %". You can't just swallow hope like a happy pill. How you feel in those moments is real and valid. The healing process is difficult and feeling hopeless about it is normal. Being one with whatever feelings I had and not trying to change how I felt has actually become an antidote of sorts. Without judging whatever state I was in by comparing it with what "I was supposed to do" helped me to move through that state much faster and I came out the other side much more solid than I would have thought.
Feeling better is something that has crept up on me. I didn't immediately realize it, as it was so slow and gradual. Then one day it had been going on for a long enough period for me to see the shift and the change it made. I am finally in the place where I can honestly say it does get better, you do come out the other side of the dark tunnel.  Still I would never say this to make anyone else feel like they need to buck up and be hopeful. The dark tunnel, sorrow and strife are real, and even if there is an opening on the other side, the pain of getting there is also real. Trying to force yourself into feeling something else "because you should feel hopeful and happy" is totally counter intuitive to the process.

     The next biggest thing was for the first time this year there were things I was not sorry for. I have done a lot of worrying and guilt over the path I have taken with family and friends. I second guessed everything, I walked on eggshells trying to draw boundaries and express myself in a way that they would hear me, and not take offense. I wanted to do everything right, I didn't want to discount their feelings or not give them the opportunity to address issues I was facing as well as in the relationship.  I didn't want to do anything wrong, I wanted to be guiltless as possible in my actions because I did not want to feel that burden of failure and that if everything went wrong it was all my fault. I also strained myself trying to figure out what was the right thing to do, and did I have any right to do it? Family is everything, you have a duty to your family, blood is thicker than water and you are supposed to forgive and forget. All those things fenced me in. I thought I must be a truly hateful and evil child of parents who "just made mistakes". But of course this leaves all the burden and responsibility in the child's court and none for the parents. It was supposed to be my responsibility to forgive them, accept them as imperfect beings, and stay in that relationship no matter what they did because they were my parents. This idea holds a lot of power in our culture, not just in Christian culture. And if all your scars are invisible abuse scars you have and even harder time proving that you deserve to be free of the individuals who raised you. Even though there is Bible verses that speak to parents and how they treat their children, the belief system I grew up in largely ignored that in favor of "honor thy mother and father". Children were raised with the idea they had very little rights if any, and they must bend their will to that of their parents. This sets you up for a difficult adjustment into adulthood and almost certainly insures that even if you establish independence you will never break away from your parents being in your life.

     Despite all I tried I found at the end of the day the relationships were not working for me, and they still were not healthy. Even though family members expressed a desire to engage with me, even do therapy, at the core of things it wasn't really a change. Other child had originally supported me when I came to them about the sexual abuse by Other Parent, but as time went on they had their doubts and predominantly wished to leave the past in the past. They wanted to me to be their friend and focus on doing things that were light and fun and that our relationship be about focusing on the good. There is nothing wrong with this, and sometimes we do have those type of relationships in our lives, ones that we don't share things on a deep level but get together for a good time. However for someone closer to me, and as my Sibling maintaining that kind of relationship is hard when they are supposed to be someone who accepts all sides of you. That was the problem, it wasn't that they wanted to focus on the good and positive it was that as a person close to me they didn't want to accept or deal with the full spectrum. And at the time I did not have the energy to invest in a surface level relationship were I could not be myself. I was going through hell and to pretend I wasn't felt cruel and counter to what I really needed at the time. I was too tired to want to hide the mess from someone who was supposed to be a supportive person in my life. I had already spent a lifetime hiding the mess of the abuse to protect others feelings and to keep from rocking the family structure.

     Vaarsuvius I had told from the beginning where I was at and what I needed going forward. They continued to stay defensive and tell me they just didn't know how it was possible I had been sexually abused by Other Parent. They didn't cave into saying they believed me for a whole year + and this was by the time I was quite through with trying to engage with them. Of course no one will believe me that their motivations in wanting to maintain the relationship were grounded in co-dependency, narcissism and abuse. Also because they seem to do all the things they are supposed to, it would seem like my reason for deciding to move to a position of no contact was unreasonable. Anyone who has lived with abusers or narcissist however will know how perfectly they play games in which they come out the victor and their opponent looks like and insane person, or just simply hateful and unreasonable. You just have to gird yourself with the truth and all your good and wise instincts and shove cotton balls in your ears for the wailing and gnashing of teeth not only by them but by all those who think they have been victimized by you. I actually was going to try therapy with V, but when I disassociated the very first time and felt terror I realized that I couldn't do it and something was wrong. I learned to always look beyond "the veil" with this relationship. What they did not do or say was always as important as what they did say or do. The real truth with the narcissist abuser always lies in subtly and metaphor and likely only you will see it because you know them best. This can make cutting ties difficult because that is all you have to rely on unless you have others who can talk to who can see it for what it is and cut through the BS. Even if Vaarsuvius was less of an abuser or not at all, I also had to learn what felt like a painful lesson; and that was it it didn't matter. How I felt being in the relationship and my health were all that mattered, whether or not they were a saint or devastatingly evil. I didn't need any justification of abuse to decide that there needed to be boundaries or that I was done. I say this is a painful lesson because because having grown up in an environment in which you think you are crazy and you forced to have reasonable justification for everything it can feel like wrenching yourself in an unnatural direction, and there is a lot of fear involved in that, especially fear of being wrong and being punished.

     It has taken making boundaries in all those relationships and more to finally be in a place where I was no longer sorry. It has taken 2 years and then some, and only finally really happened for me before Christmas when I had to address a relationship that I had tried to keep. I looked back on all that was said and done and felt solid about my conclusions and decisions. I also voiced things I would normally be afraid to say in our last communication, it was honest and firm. I still am uncertain but I think this is one of those relationships that got a bit of poisoning from my family members. I was really well done with the gossip mill and this person potentially taking it all as truth without talking to me. I was also done with being stuck in a place where if I said anything it would just make me look reactive and crazy, and the gossip mill would get to live another day. I decided I was done with that and found a way to put my foot down without giving the family any more fodder at my expense. It felt wonderful to just do it and not worry about saying the perfect thing, what did I have to lose?! I did it, and instead of rolling right into guilt, worry and shame for being a horrible person, I wasn't sorry! It was a revolutionary feeling, to for once not be sorry, to for once not just simply accept my status as the scapegoat without saying something, and to not worry about feeling responsible for all their behaviors and feelings. It's the first halt in a program that has been fairly well ingrained, and it feels fantastic.

Here is to a New Year of healing, accomplishing things, and being free and not being sorry about it!

Christmas

Can I just hate Christmas? Please?

Every year no matter what I do, I go to bed December 23 full of tension and anxiety. I wake up with my stomach in knots and will continue to feel that way till after December 25th. I hate it.
I lay in bed last night breathing deep and trying to concentrate on the feelings that were bubbling up while trying to stave off a complete panic attack. I did reach a small point of success when I found another unconscious idea I had about Christmas.

     I found that a lot of the anxiety was rooted in fear about not being able to predict what would happen, and fear about needing to be a certain way, be in a certain place or something really bad would happen. This would make sense if the magical spell of Christmas was predicated upon my parents moods, and how they thought we were behaving. Libby Anne has written about how in fundamentalist Christian families you must go cheerfully and willingly with a smile on your face. If you were angry, grumpy or anything else you could be said to have a bad attitude that was displeasing to God and disrespectful to your parents. In reality when it came to Christmas a bad attitude could very well be punished with no presents, being isolated from company etc. I believe this was very much a reality in my home, you just didn't know if you were not perfectly well behaved. And with abusive often vindictive parents what this good behavior looks like depends on their mood and whether or not you've pissed them off.

      So imagine a mini version of me going into this holiday with all of the following things: I must have a good attitude, be obedient, not be hyper or obnoxious, I must be grateful. Then add onto that the probable rejection of my Christmas present to Vaarsuvius, and the disappointment and broken heart from getting gifts from them that were unkind, or seemed to show they didn't know me at all. That's what happens when a Narcissist goes gift shopping. Then also imagine that I am starved for attention and affection and this may be the only time of year were I get to have other family or friends visit. I was also starved for love and kept hoping to get that out of all our Christmas festivities. And with Christmas being one of those few special times during the year were things might be cheerful I was so starved for that I would try to hang onto it for dear life. But as I mentioned above imagine that this one super sacred thing is predicated on the whims of two narcissist abusers, and their interpretations of fundamentalist parenting. Then imagine that they stir up drama and strife and even potentially pit myself and Other child against one another or potentially one of them will try to pit us against the other. Christmas was better than most of the rest of the year, but it didn't change my parents into saints and angels either. There was still all those abusive dynamics.  

     So even though I have seen Christmas through rose colored glasses as this one magical time of year, I think I see now how much it could also be miserable. I used to think that my anxiety stemmed from over excitement, but I am starting to re-consider. I think the excitement portion is completely eclipsed by the all out panic. I have been going through this panic/anxiety attack about Christmas since I was five or younger. And the issue was only added to by the ongoing shaming by Vaarsuvius for having a problem, and for not being able to calm down and relax. They treated me as over emotional and were practically rolling their eyes. And then I also became an inconvenience from being distressed.

     I also had to hide the mess, anything they did or said that was hurtful or disappointing had to be hidden or I risked being punished for reacting or having a bad attitude. And the anxiety around gifts and trying to mask disappointment was huge. Opening gifts you are on show in front of everyone, so you better believe I pasted a smile on my face and feigned nothing but gratitude no matter what I got or feigned grace when Vaarsuvius was unkind about the gift I picked for them. The underlying pressure comes from the fundamentalist parenting philosophies as well as trying to avoid setting off two narcissist abusers, you had to walk on eggshells. And part of being able to walk on eggshells well is to know where they are, and to try and predict things as best as possible. You can't predict what is in an unopened present, you have to be prepared to just react with a smile. Then while I could predict a lot of my parents moods and whims, their own issues/holiday stress could set them off and they could lash out or be controlling, and unpredictably so. So I think I did the best I could or shrunk into a tiny anxious ball. I wonder to how much this is some crazy self protection program- be sick, anxious, and curl up into a ball. I would not have been much of a threat or target to pick on.

     I did feel a lot of pressure release as I figured some of this out, but the anxiety program is strong. It gets set off by the mere fact that it is an anniversary effect/ seasonal. I keep doing everything I can to shift it, to change things so the program does not run like it has. I opened my last few presents this morning instead of feeling like a little kid having to patiently wait and repeat all those feelings I would have had growing up. It helped quite a bit, but there is still some lingering anxiety and panic. I keep trying to dig through it and see what it is then shift accordingly.

I wish anyone else going through this the very best, and my complete empathy. You are not alone! Merry Christmas.
Sincerely,
Nora

What in Dickens name?

    I can often feel shame at my level of frustration with the Christian community at large. See I was taught that anger makes you bad, hateful, unreasonable, even disobedient. While I understand where my frustration and anger come from, and that it has sat a long time unexpressed I still feel the urge to repress it or risk being seen as irrational. It makes sense that something that was inadequately diffused in the past may not come out eloquently or be the Emily Post version of expressing anger. In fact I think it takes a while to find a balance to expressing frustration and anger. I have also found that things that frustrate me, or make me angry are things that actually deserve a solid thoughtful critique. But it can come out as just an angry rant without enough thoughtfulness to show the larger picture or question at hand. So I am going to thoughtfully try and tackle an experience I found truly frustrating and it begged the question; what in Dickens name?

Scrooge; The musical!

      But it isn't "The" musical, it is "A" musical. "The musical" could imply that this was a Broadway production on tour, but it is not and it's only the beginning of a slight deception that becomes a very large one. On the radio it is announced that the musical is being held at the Champion Center which sounds like it is a local sports arena or the cities main event center- it is not. You don't really see anything on the musical home page to indicate that it is not what it seems except for the tab that mentions church resources. So I Googled Champion Center and found that it is indeed a Church and that they are producing the musical in their event center.

      I was now weary of this fact, especially in light of what seemed to me to be deceptions on their part to get people to come. However I tried to keep as open mind as possible, I felt that Dickens work stood on it's own for conveying some great spiritual messages, and that a church could have chosen to produce a musical of it for those reasons. I could see how A Christmas Carol reflected a lot of Christian Values.

     I was sadly mistaken. The Church didn't feel Dickens work had enough messages of salvation on it's own. They re-wrote it to fit their message of salvation. It was no longer a story about Ebeneezer Scrooge finding personal salvation by not shutting off his heart from love and connection others. It was a story of why Ebeneezer Scrooge had hardened his heart to Jesus, and therefore Christmas.

     It followed a classic Christian line of reasoning that Scrooge had hardened his heart against Jesus and God because he had gotten hurt (during childhood) and it caused him to abandon all thoughts of faith. So then he was shown as the unrepentant sinner who just needed to give Jesus a second chance. And the reason he was to do this was not only because God loves him, but because if he did not he was going to hell for all eternity. Hell and damnation was actually part of the theme in the production. There was even a brief intermission where a Pastor came on stage to lead everyone in a prayer and to accept Jesus into their hearts if they wanted.

     Of course after being shown that it was people who had hurt him in the past, not Jesus, and that the alternative to a loving God was all eternity in hell, Scrooge accepts Jesus into his heart. Cue the bursting celebration music.

     I was quite upset for the ride of deception I had been taken on and for how my good will was abused. This wasn't a church who appreciated Charles Dickens or A Christmas carol. This was a church who seemed to so desperately believe it needed to convert people to salvation that it was willing to use deceptions to do so, then spring the message of salvation on it's patrons attending the event. It's the kind of desperate belief that starts out as well meaning, but turns dark. They believe that people don't know what's good for them and they are going to save them, give them the good medicine whether they want it or not, and shove it down throats if they have to, if it means saving souls. As a matter of fact we have seen this well meaning belief turn dark before. Sir Thomas Moore was so deeply committed to his beliefs that he decided he would rather burn people at the stake than risk them being sent to hell. He felt he could at least save their souls. This man wrote Utopia, was an idealist and a conscientious objector to war. I cite this belief being taken to an extreme but it is the same belief.

     I have always felt that as a community if Christians needed desperate measures to convert others, and that their being a shining example of God's work was not enough, that there are some flaws within their beliefs. You shouldn't have to work so hard to convince people that something can bring about amazing benefits to their lives, if that is truly the case. But many Christians don't believe people know what is good for them. I think this might come from some of those same philosophies that are applied to Children. Children don't know what is good for them, children need to simply obey and bend their will to God and their parents. We see the message about being children of God frequently so it makes sense that those other child rearing philosophies also influence the spiritual realm of thought.

     The frustration and fury did not end with being given a message about an eternity in hell. The patriarchy and misogyny were alive and well in this production of a Christmas Carol. I have seen this type of patriarchal misogyny over and over in the community I was raised in. This was particularly true of the Christian community where “women are from Venus and men are from Mars”. It seems to start with people getting married. There are the jokes about a wife being an old ball and chain, a nag, over emotional and having to literally drag her man down the isle from the former life he loved so much (there are way too many cake toppers for this). Then it becomes about her being a Mom, a nag, an old ball and chain, and over emotional.

     This production seemed to take it's cue from those jokes. What should have been a sweet domestic scene in the Cratchit family was instead a scene of the family sitting down to dinner, and when Mrs. Cratchit wasn't looking they all made faces and gagging noises because everyone knows women, and Moms are terrible cooks.

     You can't seem to tell those that prescribe to this type of humor that it is wrong because they will look at you as an over emotional nag. I know from experience that when you say something about this being problematic, and you dare to object you are met by the good old boys patriarchy club who laugh it off and remind you that you are too sensitive to take a joke. I think that if I wrote a letter to this church telling them this is how I saw the scene they would probably tell me “of course we respect women, it was just innocent fun”.

     The portrayal of women being nags wasn't left in the kitchen. No at one point Scrooges housekeeper is featured flying on a broom and cackling like a witch. And this same poor woman was later subjected to Scrooge chasing her about his bedroom in his fit of happiness at having made Jesus his Lord and savior. He was trying to hug her against her protestations and lack of consent. We can see here the traces of the idea that women don't know what they want, they are irrational, and consent doesn't matter. And her consent matters even less because she is a miserable old nag who just needs a hug from Jesus Christs new poster boy.

     I think the truth is that most of those who end up purporting these beliefs have been learning them from a young age, soaking them up like a sponge. They genuinely don't see a problem with it or understand the larger issues of a patriarchal mindset. In fact it's so normal that a lot of it is unconscious. Adding in the spiritual component of Christianity can seem to lend some legitimacy to a patriarchal way of thinking, because it seems sanctioned by God. That is I believe one of the main arguments for traditional gender roles. And you know what, that's fine. If traditional gender roles make you happy, then all the power to you. However I would very firmly argue that the belittling mockery of women, and taking away their right to consent is not something a good, benevolent, loving God would ever sanctify.

     I actually think Jesus held women in higher esteem than do many of today's Churches. I think of the woman at the well, and how Jesus sought her out. I have always thought that in the midst of chaos she represented quiet wisdom and an openness. I think he went to her to be grounded because she represented a pillar of strength, and not because she had a weakness that needed to be ministered to. I think he truly respected her. How can churches claim they respect women in the same manner when they choose to not be reflective of the ways they diminish and demean them? They can't. To truly say they respect women; they would have to become self reflective and change.

     Thus concludes my really saddening and anger inducing experience. And it becomes more so by the fact that I know this was not an isolated experience, or an isolated set of beliefs I encountered. The parts of Christian communities that feel a drive to minister and convert, along with holding patriarchal ideals has and will create many similar productions.

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Growing bones; The List

Because of conversations I have had with family and friends about this topic, and recently I read a blog comment discussing it; I thought I would write about it. It is a good item to add to the list.

     The topic is methods of healing from childhood abuse. I have found that abusers, those that defend them and sometimes even the victims themselves operate from this perspective: It happened in the past- move on. Sometimes childhood abuse experiences also get diminished "Others had it worse, mine wasn't that bad". When the abuser themselves use this argument of "get over it already" or " I didn't hurt you that bad" the general motivation is to diminish, shame and squash the victims impulses to make the abuser accountable, it can keep the victim in their place and help the abuser stay out of trouble. Now coming from interested parties and those that might defend the abuser, it comes from a place not wanting to deal with the harsh reality of the abuse, and that a person they care for might be the abuser. Victims turn to this mode of thinking for a few reasons, because it can help them survive bad situations, keep them from getting in trouble with the abuser for telling, and also keep their family/friends comfortable, not rocking the boat so to speak. The last reason a victim might choose to think this way is to protect themselves inwardly. 

     Healing from abuse is a process and it can often times be painful to acknowledge what happened, and all the feelings that go with it. It can require some deep and painful digging into oneself, and be the epitome of a long dark scary hallway. We are afraid of what we might find down there, and rightfully so. Abuse creates lot's of complexities we have to sort through. Sometimes we can't handle any of this, or we are not in a safe enough place to begin our healing. Sometimes a victim is not even conscious of the abuse, it has been stowed away for safe keeping in an effort to survive. This survival mechanism can protect us from memories we cannot handle. It can be a combination of unconscious things and conscious things and the victim/survivor very flatly decides that the things in the past are done and over with and they want to move on. It ranges from a sort of denial to flat out denial (this excludes survivors who have blacked out everything).

     So denial is never good. Long term affects of denial do manifest in our health and well being, so it is not optimal to stay permanently in a state of avoidance. However the healing process can look very different for each person. One may have a stop and start flow, dealing with some aspects now and then picking it up again after a few years. Another might have their "aha" moment and start and take a more slow steady road. The Courage To Heal addresses this subject, and has similar remarks about timing and how we go about our healing. What matters is what works for you, and being conscious of how the abuse has affected your life.  Deciding to heal from abuse is a choice, look at your life and ask yourself the Dr. Phil question "How's that working out for you?". If you feel that you are fine in the current moment, okay. As long as you are going in the direction you want to go in, and are happy then continue with what you are doing. If that question sparks more questions then maybe it is time to re-evaluate. Even then you might only change a few things.

     I think it is our natural knee jerk reaction at times to avoid the healing process, which is often just as much a growth process. I was reminded the other day about a quote I had heard while in college, it was something to do with growing bones. What a painful thing that would be! I think though it really encompasses healing from abuse very well. 

Our healing is like growing bones, sometimes very painful, awkward and bizarre. Why would anyone decide to go through something like that?

Because the alternative is not having any bones.

Packaged with modern flair

     They way I was raised, I understood  things as how they were supposed to be because my parents told me so. What I did not understand or know at the time was that these beliefs they had followed had a prescribed pattern. Some of the beliefs I slowly began to untangle, but others took reading blogs by other Spiritual abuse survivor's to see and understand. I think the reason is that the type of Evangelical Christian ideology my family followed was supposed to be more modern but the rigid traditional fundamentalism was hid beneath the surface. It wasn't straightforward, it was subtle. However when you look at some Evangelical's that are Quiverfull the beliefs are very straightforward and seem to be in plain view. They don't hide that they prescribe to a very traditional fundamentalist type of Evangelical Christianity. It is becoming more apparent to me that much of what I grew up with was Fundamentalist Christianity in sheep's clothing. I think this is why institutions like Focus on The Family embrace those such as the Duggar family, because at the root the beliefs are very similar. They are just dressed up, hidden and packaged with modern flair.

     Reading the blogs of other spiritual abuse survivors I was in awe. I had thought I was raised with more modern  Christian philosophies, but here were all these connections between fundamentalist christian beliefs and my own experiences. I saw that although I was raised Evangelical Christian I never understood what that meant outside of just being a Christian. It took reading Libby Anne's blog Love Joy Feminism to begin to see Evangelical Christianity from a new perspective and what exactly it is.  I think part of the reason for my lack of understanding aside from my parents forgoing a solid education on spirituality; is that in today's world of Christianity education about spirituality, discussion, research and other things that would raise young people to better understand their religion are almost non existent. Sure you are taught everything you are supposed to believe and all the bible stories and sermons on Sunday, but it is usually one dimensional and you are supposed to embrace it as truth. Even in bible studies "understanding scripture" is not really in depth or created to really ask hard questions. I have always felt that it was a surface study meant to solidify all the other teachings you were supposed to take at face value.

 I have always wondered where is the type of place that Jesus would have gone to, where he debated scripture and truths with the priests, where asking questions was encouraged and part of the faith? And most especially where is this type of place for women and girls? There are many women who are theology scholars and I am immensely thrilled at that, but education costs money and we are faced with an issue of only those with money or power are able to really educate themselves about their beliefs. That tends to lend itself to only a few controlling information in an academic bubble. In a way it is the same problem as with Christianity of the dark ages; where no one could read or write so they believed whatever the spiritual leaders told them.

     In the Evangelical Christian community I grew up in, it was like living in a cube. Except you didn't know you were in a cube because there was a virtual reality in place around you that gave you the illusion of being a somewhat free and independent modern individual. The only time you would realize that you were in the cube is if you began to question how things were or push the boundaries; only to find that you were contained by four walls. I was allowed to wear pants and be creatively fashionable. I had modern Christian music and even pop music that was deemed to be not morally bankrupt (And I somehow managed a Madonna Album). However self ownership did not go much farther than that. I was still owned by my parents, in particular by the head of the house Other Parent. Other Parent did not want me dating, or seeing boys. Vaarsuvius had gotten me I Kissed Dating Goodbye. The abuse was mixed in with the traditional Christianity, but in Other Parent's treatment of Vaarsuvius, Other Child and Myself  as a "harem" they owned was not just abuse, or sexual abuse, it was a very Christian philosophy. Certainly many Christians would say that they would never think or do that, or that they respect and honor women but at its roots that is a basic tenant of Christianity which is a patriarchal model. The illusion that women are not treated as "owned" objects is like my cube illustration. Only this time those that uphold the rules are lying to themselves about it and the benefits they receive from it.

     Despite supposedly being a thoroughly modern Christian girl, Other Parent would make jokes about marrying me off and getting a dowry from me. And if I did ever want to get married I would have to ask their permission and by all rights could be refused. They somewhat paraded me about for their friends as their object, and jokes were made by these church friends about how pretty I was getting and that Other Parent would have to watch out. One of these friends was a child molester themselves. If you think that this kind of behavior is only of that of truly evil people and not Christians then you have to go back and examine some of those basic beliefs.

     Yes Other Parent and the friend were child molesters, however their treatment of their children as objects in particular girls is ingrained in that set of beliefs. Parading me about as sexual object or good Christian parent parading about a child whom they have supreme ownership of, mind, body and soul really leaves only some distinction- the act of psychical violation. The complete ownership of another person is slavery and abuse; add biblical reasoning to sanctify it and you have spiritual abuse. This might seem like an extreme example and I know the comparison I am making is harsh. However christian parents are deemed to have supreme authority over their children in every facet. Those basic tenants are already there, and parents like Other Parent take it to another level.

    Other parents behavior was never questioned, part of this was because much of the abuse was behind closed doors but the other reason was the way our Christianity functioned. Other primary parents had an unspoken club they belonged to, one in which they respected the function of role as primary parent and authority in their individual families. Part of that respect meant never questioning each others supreme authority over their families or the decisions made. It was seriously wink, wink, nod, nod.
   
     I will never forget a day trip with another family (another abuser friend of Other Parent). This Primary Parent was engaged in a game of tag with their children and Other Child and I were about to join in, but Other Parent pulled us back to the sideline because we were part of their "unit" and not the other family so therefore we were not to engage in an activity that the other primary parent initiated. It was somehow this "respect" policy playing out over something minute. Other Parent was like "these over here are mine and those are yours, I respect your ownership". That is the only way I can describe what happened, and it sounds insane but that is exactly how it was. You could also add in the element of control and that it was not just respect but territorial. How could Other Parent herd us about and control our actions if we were running about playing tag with the other family? And while they respected the club code they didn't want their stock mixing with another "owner". Your seeing the cattle metaphors right? No they are not an exaggeration.

     Let's go back to the cube, and running into the walls. This did not just happen over things like freedom but also what to believe.  Children are to be seen, not heard and they are certainly not to question the families religious beliefs. I ran squarely into this wall when I was a teenager. I was tired of the problems with our small church and I no longer wanted to go to church. This was met with the full force of Other Parent, who was not going to have it. I was to obey and love God, respect my family and attend church as part of the family unit. Oddly Vaarsuvius in one of their moments of clarity intervened and I stayed home. Not all the time of course, and I eventually got them to let me go to another church with friends. That ended when our two churches merged. I later would still try attending another local church to escape but it was toward the end of my parent's marriage. Other Parent would have never permitted the whole family to switch churches. This control over where you could worship is a continuation of spiritual abuse as is being told what to believe, what that belief must look like, and fear as a weapon to enforce belief.

   This fear to "enforce belief" was how Vaarsuvius understood our faith. I was told I must be either hot or cold for God or he would "spit me out", I would be exiled. This terrified me as a child, how did I know I would be safe from this exile and eventual decent into hell that would await me? I didn't and in some ways I felt myself giving up, I thought I would never be good enough or believe hard enough to escape that fate. I did try even though part of me felt resigned, and I any time I felt like I was headed straight for hell I would say the "saved prayer" to myself, over and over. So many times. It never felt like it was enough, but not doing it could mean getting scorched. Even though this felt terrible I was taught that it was the only way, and the only definition of God and grace. Not being given any other options is being walled in, and living in a cube. Even though you are supposedly being give choices it is either to believe in the God defined by your parents and live in good faith while in the cube, or step outside those four walls into hell. I never understood how this was a choice? I never understood God supposedly defining these as true choices.

    The fear as enforcement tool was not just simply for whether or not I was saved (which was already really hard to define, because what really equals saved?) but in what manner I was saved. In other words baptism. I have always been shy in some regards about personal things like my faith and sharing it. So I loathed that in order to be a true Christian you would have to be willing to give testimony and worse yet get baptized in front of God and everyone. I did not want to, for me it felt like a circus of embarrassment. This made Vaarsuvius angry and frustrated. They themselves were poached by the Navigators in college. A wispy kid with no self esteem suddenly had found their path and they took to it determinedly. They felt our faith was black and white, it was absolute. They believed that there was only one way to do things and so when their child did not want to get baptized they not only felt my soul was in peril but they couldn't understand why I felt the way I did. They thought I showed a stubborn unwillingness to submit to God and obey him, by doing what he supposedly prescribed. They thought something must have been wrong with me, they didn't think I was really saved and what did it say about them that their child did not want to get baptized? A family friend finally intervened with a second opinion that baptism was optional and did not mean I would go to hell if I didn't do it. But for the longest while this was a huge battle, and Vaarsuvius took it very personally. It wasn't about my faith, it was about theirs and their interpretation of what is right.

     That interpretation was applied to child rearing philosophies. With a black and white, rigid interpretation of what it meant to be a child of God was seamlessly passed onto what it meant to be child to Christian parents. There was no gray area, it was heaven or hell, obey or disobey. I do think my parent's believed that children are born inherently bad and you have to teach them to be good, and beat out the stubborn or bad. There were plenty of books on how to do this, and while I could not be certain there was not a copy of the Pearls book To Train Up A Child I am strongly suspicious there was. And if there was not, my current understanding of Dr. James Dobson and his recommended child rearing practices means that I essentially was raised with the Pearls philosophy just dressed up a bit and made to seem legitimate by his Doctoral degree.  But there were other books equally concerning as far as healthy parenting advice goes, Cynthia Tobias and her books on strong willed children and, strong willed women.  If Vaarsuvius was not wining a parenting battle with any of the above at their disposal they could switch to an emotional manipulation and spiritual abuse tactic such as telling me that every time I was bad I was responsible for God's feelings and making him grieve over my defiant and ill willed behavior. Other Parent was less for doling out spiritual punishment because our faith had already given them supreme authority, they had no need for the guilt trips they had a horse quirt!

     One of my final encounters of running into one of those four walls was dating, and the rigid fundamentalism applied to it. I dated a Navigator missionary in training. There is not enough information out there on what the Navigators can really be like. Among its members you will hear the occasional story about leaders breaking up a dating couple because "it was not God's will they be together", or in my parents case they pushed them into getting engaged and defining the relationship so there wouldn't be anything impure. But those were just horror stories, until I experienced it firsthand.
     Now the boyfriend in question turned out to be of weak character, but at the time I had not figured that out yet. He got into the relationship with me and confessed right off the bat to having slept with a married women in the local Navigator group. I figured this was past stupidity and not that he wasn't past stupidity so I went with it. I was also underage, but the relationship was sanctioned by my parents so no big deal. We were going to get married as soon as I turned eighteen. He wanted me to be the missionary wife and I quote that "when we run out of money you can nag me to go drum up support". He was broke but Vaarsuvius said we could live in our home basement. He wanted six kids, a Saturn SUV and a wife who would ride on the back of his motor bike. I happily followed along with this, after all I was essentially raised to be a traditional christian woman.
     Then his past transgression caught up with him, and the Navigators essentially made him attend workshops to address and punish his behavior. He was also told to break up with me, and could not touch me, hand hold etc. We were simply to be as brother and sister in Christ during his punishment. This brought out the inner jerk in him, he started being rude and grumpy with me, as if all of this was my fault. It continued downhill from there. He was angry when I did not want to do an activity he was pushing me to do, he defended Other Parent's reprehensible behaviors, and finally he told me that I needed to start wearing skirts and covering myself up, Apparently I was too tempting for him. That was when the inner feminist in me had it. Goodbye Mr. Navigator Jr.

     After that began my slow but steady revolution in how I thought about my faith, dating and everything else. I would make my escape from those four cube walls when I turned eighteen and I eventually never went back. I now question they way things are supposed to be and through reading more of others experiences I can really come to terms with my own.I can see not only the abuse, but the spiritual abuse as well. This is like a light turning on for me, and I am starting to feel more free. I can also feel really angry at the beliefs I was subjected to. I feel lucky to be on the other side now, but also feel it is important to create and engage in discussion about fundamentalism and how it can slip under the radar, and that it is not just an isolated experience of Evangelical Christianity.

The Spiritual Abuse Survivor's Network

The spiritual Abuse Survivor Network was started by Vyckie Garrison author of the blog No Longer Quivering.  

     The network developed when "Vyckie [had] noticed that NLQ forum member, Libby Anne, seemed to be doing a lot of processing of her quiverfull experience through frequent posts and comments. She encouraged Libby Anne to write her story for NLQ".  The collaboration between Vyckie and  Libby Anne  (the author  of  Love Joy Feminism) would help launch the creation of  a space for those who have experienced spiritual abuse to come together, share and support. 
     The network is based on this foundation of collaboration and seeks to promote survivors who are speaking out through blogging about the issues of spiritual abuse " We are working together toward a shared goal of increasing awareness of this issue of spiritual abuse – the control, the confusion, the devastation, our struggles, our triumphs, our survival and recovery."
     
     The network of Spiritual Abuse Survivor Blogs has focused on steering away from the exclusive and divisive religious practices that they left behind "the Spiritual Abuse Survivor Blogs Network employs the proven, non-abusive strategy of teamwork to gain more visibility for all the individual survivor blogs (...) recently, there has been a significant increase in the number of spiritual abuse survivors starting their own blogs - so many awesome, enthusiastic writers who deserve a significant platform! The Spiritual Abuse Survivor Blogs Network is committed to helping these survivors succeed."Spiritual Abuse Survivor Blogs Network

THE SPIRITUAL ABUSE SURVIVOR BLOGS NETWORK

No Longer Quivering – Vyckie GarrisonSeeking The Light – Suzanne TitkemeyerLove, Joy, Feminism – Libby AnneThe Phoenix and the Olive Branch – SierraWordgazer’s Words – Kristen RosserIncongruous Circumspection – Joe SandsHomeschoolers AnonymousPermission to Live – MelissaBaptist Taliban and Beyond – Cindy FosterMari’s Muses – MariPast Tense Present Progressive – LatebloomerDispelled: One Girl’s Journey in a Homeschool Cult - Chandra BernatHopewell Takes on Life!The Way Forward – Bruce GerencserBecoming Worldly – Heather DoneyDefeating The Dragons – SamanthaI Am Phoenix – AJWide Open World – Lana HopeFeminist in Spite of Them – Sarah HendersonLeaving Fundamentalism – Jonny ScaramangaLove is Not Equal to Love - Mere DreamerThe Talking Llama -Boze HerringtonThe Lost (And Found) Mind of Kaleesha Williams – Kaleesha WilliamsLiving Liminal – Living LiminalWhat Really Happened In The Church and Life After The Diocese – HGQuiver Full of InformationRethinking Vision Forum