Tangled up in the tower

   Fairy tales and our current Princess Culture are often a visual representation of the struggle of women and young girls; especially those tied to fundamentalist Christian culture. They are a promise of happy ever after, and philosophy on how to get there with symbolic obstacles that must be overcome along the way. While often holding elements of the oppressive, they also holds truths about current aspects of our culture that strip away power from women and girls. At the same time it shows them a likeness of themselves working through the obstacles and waiting to get free.

     Even if the intention were to dictate a gender narrative to young girls and women Fairy Tale stories can still tell the truth. Julia Cameron has written about the power of writing, and how when you put pen to paper you can't lie. In this way I think it is interesting how in encouraging Princess Culture and selling a narrative, not even Disney can stray from truth. By saying what they believe through their chosen narratives; they are telling the truth about the experiences of women and young girls.

     In previous posts I discussed how Prince Charming is a metaphor for what happily ever after can mean to women in our culture who are seeking love, respect, and stability (not just romance). I also discussed in reference to a beautiful christian girlhood how Prince Charming also represents escape.
The reason Prince Charming represents escape is that he is part of the story progression where a heroine/princess has to overcome obstacles and maybe even an abusive family dynamic (Cinderella) and then as the Prince he comes in to take her away from it all. He also represents escape because no where is it suggested that our heroine/princess would have left on her own. Either because she is following the path of beautiful christian girlhood and puts her family's needs above all else, or she lacks the means necessary to leave and is tangled up in a tower.

     There are many young girls and women who become tangled up in a tower, with little hope of leaving unless by some miracle a.k.a Prince Charming. The tower walls don't have to be real stone to be the perfect prison. In my personal experience the tower was made up of these things; Home School education, Isolation, educational neglect, abusive narcissist parents (both of whom are Mother Gothel types) and prescriptions to fundamentalist beliefs.

     I recently read blog posts from Libby Anne and NLQ discussing the Duggars. The posts mentioned the Duggar children and their education at home, and how it affected their ability to establish personal independence and leave home. What I took away from the posts was how difficult this would be for them to accomplish. The depth of their education at home is very limited, with little or no opportunity to gain job type skills. This seems especially true of the Duggar girls, who are even further discouraged from education and outside opportunities.  My experience of leaving the tower (home) at eighteen was a struggle. I had always assumed that it was all my fault, that I didn't try hard enough, was not smart enough, and didn't sell myself confidently enough. It wasn't until reading these blog posts that it really struck me how much my own education and situation played a primary role in my struggle. I was home schooled; my parents reasons varied, they were willing to send me to the local high school for some coursework and eventually enrolled me in a local running start program. However my education prior to that was limited and was furthermore neglected.

     I think the ways in which I was limited educationally were not always based off of my parents fear  of secular culture (surprising) but was one of the natural consequences that can come with home school. In home school you are relying on individuals (parents) to teach you, and relying on their education level and ability to teach in a constructive manner that results in learning growth. Also adding in the element of self focus (narcissism) to my primary teacher Vaarsuvius, in addition to little patience or emotional control and you end up with educational inconsistencies. They tried, they did, but they were not made of the stuff that teachers need to be made of. With that element of narcissism they took everything personally, and finally and slowly they just gave up and let my education go. This narcissism (and abuse) also fueled their neglect of other needs in the educational realm. They never fully pursued anything to help myself or Other Child with our learning issues and disabilities. And despite the great swaths of great books and other things that developed creativity in Other Child and myself we both lacked in fundamentals, the basic education components. Other Child is dyslexic and can hardly spell (to this day), our world History lessons were not thorough, nor were Geography, Geometry and Science. I never learned the periodic table of elements. Anything science oriented was often dismissed because we lived on a farm and had living science to educate us.

     I wonder if it was just Vaarsuvius inabilities and frustration that made them bail on our education, or if other subtle elements were at play; by crippling us in this way they were making it really difficult of us to ever leave home. In fact being a co-dependent user (narcissist) they probably wished that neither Other Child and I ever left home. It took Other Child much longer to pull away from home than it did me, but it was a struggle for both of us to get on our feet and in the end both of us had help and support through our relationships. I think about this element with Vaarsuvius as well because I remember when I was thirteen or fourteen asking about going to work at McDonald's so I could save up for a car. Vaarsuvius was quick to shut that down, and told me I was too young. Which would have been fine because at the time I probably was too young, but I don't believe that was their whole intention. The intention behind them quashing my idea seemed to be control. I had come to them with some sense of confidence, self motivation and they had to crush it. I never felt good about going out and pursuing any job after that, and my confidence before that had already been dwindling.  I ended up doing what I had been trained to do, take care of children. My first real job was babysitting. After that Vaarsuvius shoved me into a job at their company because "I needed to work and be responsible". But they pushed me for it needing to be at their workplace. They were also pushing me into this realm of thinking where I should not be confident about getting a job, or going to get one of my choosing. It was only okay if it was of their choosing.

     When I left home the job I found that I would be good at was in reality my only viable option. Nanny.  Especially a live in position where I would not have to worry about finding my own place and paying rent right off of being on my own for the first time.
 Childcare was also the only career area in which I had any strong skills or resume credentials.  I had no office or computer skills, my typing is barely passable. Even though I can now write re-search papers, when I started my first English courses in community college I did not know what the tab key was for, or that I was supposed to use it for correct format. Math was my personal demon. I struggled with it because of the way my mind processes things. This involves my being ADD and having several learning disability aspects that impact my mathematical understanding.

 A Home school education did not adequately prepare me to engage socially or be a part of our larger culture. I was somewhat isolated in a rural area growing up; being home schooled  made me feel like an outsider when I left home and moved to a more populated area.  Being around more people who were not fundamentalist often led to situations and sources for embarrassment because of all the things I didn't know. What was this innuendo thing? What had I said that meant something else? My media consumption was also fairly limited up until that point, and I am still only now catching up on film and television series.

    Leaving home at eighteen was not permanent. I actually had to pack up and move back home due to financial difficulties. I chose to move in with Other Parent instead of Vaarsuvius (did not know or remember the sexual abuse at the time). My permanent departure from the tower was not until I moved in with my boyfriend (now spouse). I had felt ashamed that this is what it took for me to be able to make it outside of home. While I still found work and helped to support us as best as I could, I had not been one of those girls that left home, went to college, got a job, their own first apartment and was completely independent. Though now I realize how much I was set up to be the Princess who would not be able to escape from her tower.

     As someone who wanted to feel confident, independent, capable and espoused feminist values; having been the Princess tangled up in the tower is painful and sad. Seeing the reality of my independence stemming from finding my Prince Charming can also make me sad, even though my relationship was certainly a full partnership and not just a rescue scenario. Part of this sadness comes from trying to distance myself from the purity and marriage focused culture that I grew up with. I developed a lot of self judgement through how I viewed those beliefs and because I could not separate myself from them entirely. I did not like to think of myself as someone who could not be independent and instead had to be rescued. But in a way I did end up needing a partner to help me co-pilot my rescue.

     The Duggar girls seem to face a similar climb down from the tower. It often looks through their circumstances that the best chance for escape would be Prince Charming and marriage. And as with Cinderella's story; no where do we see it suggested that our heroine/princesses the Duggar girls would leave home on their own outside of a Prince Charming. They are following the path of beautiful christian girlhood and put their family's needs above all else. They also seem to lack the means necessary to leave.  Perhaps they too (even if secretly) want to feel confident, independent, capable, and have their own self determined values. I wonder if what may be perceived as passivity and a complete willingness to go along with their families wishes and choices in partners for them is instead passive resistance, going limp noodle.

     Through reading about the Duggar girls I am beginning to understand myself better. I have started to have a broader understanding of the culture I came from and judge myself less. My struggles stemmed from educational neglect as well as the unconscious philosophies of my parents rooted in fundamentalism and enacted with narcissism. I feel less inclined to judge the Duggar girls for choosing marriage, even to partners they do not seem to be head over heels for. I do not know if the Cinderella or Rapunzel story resonates with the girls, but their lives seem to center around a Fairy Tale type narrative. Marriage is happily ever after, the promise of better things and a life outside the tower.

      The Princess narrative while not seemingly empowering is actually a glimmering manifestation of hope. It has really resonated with me and perhaps even unconsciously for the Duggar girls too, because none of us were set up to succeed and be independent women in our own right.

 It is important to be able to see yourself through a mirror such as the one created through Fairy Tales. It helps you feel that you are not alone. We can say to ourselves "look Rapunzel went through this and came out on the other side, her struggles are similar to mine, I can do this". When as women and girls we are not given narratives of self confidence, independence, and we are instead diminished;  it is important to have a narrative or story for us to hold onto. It's our way of steering by starlight (love this term from Martha Beck), having something to guide us until we can escape from whatever tower that holds us.

   

Cinderella; A beautiful girlhood

     I started my excursion into fairy tale princesses, and romance stories with a post about why those things still resonated with me. I want to continue with other aspects of those stories that are relevant and real for me as a woman in our culture but specifically the culture I was brought up in with its very heavy influences of patriarchy, gender ideals, and fundamentalist beliefs. Cinderella captures all the classic elements of a fairy tale princess romance and because there is context and parallels between it and my own story I will be using it for illustration and discussion.

     Fairy tales resonate with me as a woman traversing feminine culture; I would like to escape the constant battles that come with being of female sex and identity. I dream of acceptance, respect and stability for myself and other women in the world. I explained in my previous post that Prince Charming when deconstructed relates to those desires for love, acceptance, respect, stability and not just a romantic relationship (though that can still play a part).

The stories also resonate with me as someone who grew up in a Christian home full of hidden fundamentalist values and beliefs.

The fairy tale dream as told from the Christian perspective offers love, respect, escape and stability. But you can only have these things if you are a good girl, if you maintain a pure and beautiful girlhood.

     Cinderella and the path of beautiful girlhood with a fairy tale ending:

 I admit to never finishing the book A Beautiful Girlhood because after coming across the portion that instructed you to not let your thoughts wander down the primrose path to things that were not maidenly I realized I already let myself wonder about that dark evil "sex". Trying to continue reading A Beautiful Girlhood  after that just filled me with guilt and self judgement. The book felt like a reprimand. But still throughout my growing up the message and focus of having a beautiful girlhood was still there.

The message of a beautiful girlhood was also a message about having a fairy tale life. Happy ever after was a promise of good things for a life dedicated to being a Godly young woman, much in the way that heaven is a promise for living a Godly life.  A fairy tale in a Christian culture it is also something that can become a pressure to adhere to the values and expectations of your family and church. Veer from the path or throw it away and you have lost the chance of ever being respected or held in high esteem as a woman of wisdom and value. You lose your value as someone of innocence and beauty. You can of course come back to the path, but not without some self flagellation, public scrutiny, and judgement. You would have to dedicate yourself to penance and pursue the path of beautiful girlhood or womanhood with a renewed vigor as if hell hounds are nipping at your heels. 

     

     The struggles for acceptance, respect and stability are the same as for every woman and girl in our culture, but within the Christian and especially fundamentalist Christian culture women and girls seem to lose more ground. 

At first it can seem as if by nature of being a Godly woman you will be held in high esteem. Christians and churches do make this a focus point in an effort to respect the women in their lives. However the actual actions and everyday beliefs within Christianity make the focus and intent threadbare. As a woman you are second to your husband and are to obey and and defer to his judgement. Even in really progressive Christian households were spouses are teammates, the man will still be seen as the household head. Men are also the head of the church, and while women may or may not be allowed to have leadership roles they are secondary and in the majority of Christian denominations women are not allowed to be elders, and especially not a pastor. Women are still second class citizens in this religion. Saying Godly women will be respected, honored and held in high esteem is just dressing up a really crappy prize, and is only applicable if you do what is expected of you as a woman based on traditional gender roles.

     As a young girl growing up in this type of religious culture you are also told that you will be held in high esteem for following the path of a beautiful Christian girlhood. Meekness and kindness of heart are highly encouraged. And all these things you are supposed to be are expressed to you as something that will create an inner freedom and spiritual enlightenment, and that girls who stray from the path are enslaved prisoners of sin. When in reality adhering to the path of beautiful girlhood can make one just as much a prisoner. 

Cinderella is a good example of this. Here she is essentially an indentured servant in her former home, but we are told and shown in various ways that this is okay because she is following the path of beautiful girlhood. She is a reflection of that idealized Christian young woman who is soft spoken, compassionate and above all cheerful no matter what. Keeping a smile on your face and never showing a bad attitude (or else you grieve God and others) is a part of Christian culture and specifically fundamentalist culture. A seemingly bad attitude or outburst would likely be seen as a sign of disrespect and disobedience. In the film Ever After the Baroness gives Danielle a sound lashing for her reaction to her step sisters biting remark. Danielle punched Marguerite, but the other reasons the Baronesses punishes her is for making a scene, stepping out of her place, and for not being dutiful and obedient. 

     Cinderella encompasses a lot of the ideals and values of Christianity. She is cheerful, a service to others, and she continually turns the other cheek even in a fairly abusive situation. The way I was raised with those ideals and values seemed to create this normality of any abusive behaviors, and the expectation that you turn the other cheek and forgive whether or not the other party changed their behavior. In a lot of ways you were supposed to follow the ideal of Jesus; suffering at the hands of others made you a martyr of sorts and forgiving them no matter what put you at a higher level of spirituality and grace. You were not supposed to have boundaries, you were supposed to understand others imperfections and endure. And truly bad behavior was not always seen as such (from experience), it was diminished into being minor character flaws at best and eventually discounted. It was especially discounted if the bad behavior came from a parent, and christian parents were especially discounted. People believed there was no way they could ever really be that bad.

 In Ever After we see the Baroness try and make her bad behavior out to be some sort of motherly concern and that she is only doing the best she can to make Danielle into something of value. 

     I found that trying to be like Cinderella or on the path of a beautiful girlhood could often be little better than being a doormat. A doormat that stays put. You were not supposed to leave or cut ties with your family. Family is everything, and you are supposed to honor that and stay connected no matter what. You would not have had permission or acceptance of your desire or choice to leave. The only time this changes is if some Prince Charming swoops in and "rescues" you. Then you have a reasonable reason to leave. But unless that happened it was family first and forever, and you had to turn the other cheek and keep your head up.

      I think I loved fairy tales growing up because even though it could reinforce traditional patriarchal and religious values- underneath it all I think I connected with the bones of the stories. The story resonated because through the act of describing traditional beliefs in a fairy tale, it also described the plight of the girl, woman or princess within that belief system. It described my plight and struggles and even if the metaphor was embodied by Prince Charming those stories still offered the dream of escape. A dream of love, acceptance, respect, stability.

    

Once Upon a Time; A Princess culture series

                                             
This week I am going to be writing a series of posts about Fairy tales, Princesses, romance and girly culture!



                                                  Once upon a time, I was a Disney kid.

I think at one point we owned every Disney VHS made. In fact it's plausible that Vaarsuvius still owns every Disney VHS ever made (they can't get rid of things).
Looking back with my recently  grown feminist perspective there are a lot of things to find fault with. The emphasizing messages can be reduced down to needing a man to rescue you, needing a man to complete you, and needing a man to find or create any happiness in yourself. Also there is the financial aspect, needing a man to rescue you from poverty. And lastly the Disney Princesses are shown as very one dimensional women, those are the only things that seem to occupy their minds. They are often waiting to be rescued, and preparing to be a wife and house keeper or they try to rebel against their fathers/families only to still end up in a traditional role. Romance and being a wife are the main preoccupation (that and getting a fabulous closet full of clothes and shoes). What girl doesn't want a walk in closet full of her favorite things, items she identifies with?

     Those critique points having been stated what we are left with is that stories such as Cinderella are still a fairy tale. Even though Disney has produced a flattened version of fairy tales  the deeper roots are there even if we don't see them at first. Fairy tales have been around for a long time, and their original purpose was to teach deep and meaningful lessons.  Many original versions also sometimes paint harsh and terrifying pictures; in the original version of Cinderella the Step sisters have their heels and toes cut off in an effort to fit into the glass slipper. In essence even within a Disney fairy tale, the bones are still there. Sometimes they are scattered through the re-telling and sometimes they lay just underneath (See Clarissa Pinkola Estes).

     I really love Clarissa Pinkola Estes and her work of unearthing archetypes and the deeper elements of fairy tales. I also like discovering new ways of understanding my world through a more feminist lens, one that lets me be empowered and pay attention to what unconscious messages I am receiving from our culture. However I often surprise myself with what things I am still drawn to; such as fairy tale princess, and romance type movies. I know they are not always empowering, I know they paint an unrealistic portrait of love and relationships, but yet my feminine side still responds to those type of story lines. I have thought that it is perhaps due to how I was raised, with the first beginnings of the Disney Princess culture. Maybe it has still taken me a long time to unearth and separate myself from those early messages. Another thought I had was that perhaps those who favored traditional gender ideals were right all along, and that this was indeed something tied to my greater feminine nature. But I know there are many women who do not identify with the princess culture as a way to express or define their femininity. So that chips away from the supporting structure of that hypothesis; which assumes that all of the female sex will favor princess culture as an expression of their gender or femininity. So we can take out the idea of it being a thing related to being of the female sex and shift it back to gender and environment. It could certainly be that I am still breaking away from what I was raised to think and believe, but I am starting to look beyond that and examine the impact of environment specifically.

     In my first use of the term "environment", I meant it to be used in the context of gender. In other words something that is born of cultural influence and the environment you were raised in. If you were raised in a traditional household the princess culture script would have likely been a normal aspect of that. You are taught ideas about gender by your family, friends and outside influences that are part of our culture (Disney, school etc.). But what if we re-frame this idea of environment by thinking of it as a mirror. Disney Princess movies are an artistic expressions coming from our culture and they reflect those expressions back to us like a mirror. And if we consider that fairy tales are lessons, we can also think of them as a map of that lesson. Fairy tales can also be reflecting important cultural elements during the period of their origin. So even though Disney has produced a stripped down, flattened version of Cinderella (Fairy Tales & Princess stories) not only are the important bones to the story still there if we look for them, there is also the reflection of our feminine culture in its current state. And that means while it may not contain the ingredients for feminine empowerment without some unearthing of the deeper elements; we are actually being presented with something that accurately captures the impression, feeling and struggle surrounding being a woman in our culture.

     I believe this is why I resonate with those movies, there is something in them that is still relevant.
I have tried to pin down the feelings I get from princess culture, girl culture movies, and what those feelings represent. I have of course already found my "prince charming" so that is not a desire that comes up in the same way it might for others. However at the root of finding a prince charming is the desire not just for a relationship but for love. This is relevant to the human experience of wanting to be loved, but as a woman this is particularly relevant to the uphill battle we fight to be loved and accepted as we are. Finding Prince charming is representative of our struggle with not being enough in our culture. We are told we are too fat, too thin, we are told how to dress, how to wear our makeup, how much makeup and that we wear to much makeup and should go natural. Our hair cut and color are never right, and were are both prudish virgins and total whores. Feminism pushes us to be more than we have been taught that we can be, but it comes with its own set of do this not that type rules.

     Traditional roles still plague us when we want to be mothers and wives and people are still asking whether or not it is appropriate for us to have a career and a family, the debate has not been settled on whether it's okay for us to do whatever we want. The underlying meaning of Prince Charming is that we end up with love and the ability to be ourselves no question and that we get to stop struggling so hard. Especially when some of the core aspects of our struggles in feminine culture are to be approved of by men. So here he is, showing up and just immediately approving of us.

     We are also fighting a battle to be respected as women; in our careers or at home, to be paid the same amount for the same amount of work, to have bodily autonomy, complete and equal rights, and to not be harassed and victimized through domestic violence, rape, sexual abuse and sexual assault.This is what Happily Ever After means; first finding love and acceptance with Prince Charming and then the "after" part where we find safety and equality because he is supposed to love us. The palace that we can move into- not only will we be able to afford it but it exists in this whole other realm were we have equality and will not be repeatedly victimized. And lets not forget the dream walk in closet with everything our hearts could desire because here social justice and economic distribution of wealth are a priority. Not all the peasants have a castle but no one lives in a hovel and they can afford to buy a pair of $100.00 dollar glass slippers every now and again without worrying if they will have to stop eating for a month to pay rent. The fairy tale dream of women wanting to be a princess is real, and we want to be a princess because the whole story is a promise of love and stability, and we still struggling for those things. Socially and economically. Women in many ways are still second class citizens and it's even more difficult for women of color.

     The solution is not going to be found in a fairy tale of Disney depth and dimension, those are just reproduced images of feminine culture. We have to dig for the bones in the story, the good quality meaty pieces, as well as searching for other ways of empowering ourselves and the young girls in our lives. Cinderella sings "A dream is a wish our heart makes come true", that is a bone piece. That is having vision and focusing on manifesting it into reality. In fact Cinderella so intently focused on what she wanted that she produced a wand waving fairy godmother into her life. While the Disney version is a reflection of our culture the good thing about art is that you can change it to reflect something else. That new image can be powerful enough to insight more similar images and eventually you might even see a change in the culture itself.
The feminist perspective on ways and methods of changing the damsel in distress script are important. But also important is looking at it in a way that allows for seeing the complete struggle for feminine power and that Disney Princess culture is not beloved just because of an adherence to patriarchal thinking. It is beloved because it reflects our struggles, emphasizes our desires to be free of them, and the promise of then living happily ever after.