Erin Merryn discusses the Duggar's

    
       Erin Merryn is a childhood sexual abuse advocate. She works with educators and politicians to pass legislation called Erin's law. The law would make sexual abuse and safety programs in schools a requirement. I am very supportive of her work in this area and hope to see more states pass her law.

"Erin Merryn is a mother and an advocate for sexual abuse prevention. At age 6, she was molested and later raped by a friend’s uncle. At 11, her teenage cousin began abusing her. The author of three books about abuse, she is the creator of Erin’s Law, which requires public schools to teach sexual abuse prevention." Rachel Bertsche 

        I appreciate how Merryn has chosen to speak out about her own painful experiences and be a powerful voice for not only herself but other victims. Discussing childhood sexual abuse is still a difficult subject in our society. So many people shut out discussion or thought about it because they find it astonishing, brutal, and difficult to process. I think as survivors we find it to be similarly difficult, but worse so when our silence is the preferred treatment of it. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of Merryn's work and her role in public education.  She is someone who is easy to relate to and easy to accept as a public figure despite the difficulty of the subject matter.  

     I was therefore disappointed when I read an article on yahoo.com in which she defended the Duggar family and their current situation. She did state that she informed Michelle Duggar that she did not support how they handled things. However in an effort to be compassionate or take a neutral tone she left out some critical things and even created some others that were concerning.   

The Yahoo Article
Abuse Survivor Reveals Duggar Text Messages

 "The one thing I have to give the Duggar's credit for – they are not in denial. They may be protecting their son, but at least they aren’t in denial."  Erin Merryn

      The evidence she is pointing to in support of this; the fact that the Duggar's have been currently discussing what happened and their attesting that they did seek help when Josh came to them. But there has been a lot of denial. From aspects of telling the Josh story and steering away from the truth at times, to how they define what he did. The Duggar's may support education on what is not appropriate touch, but they do not show that they believe such incidents are sexual assault. Listening to their interview it seemed as if they really do not understand what bad touch, sexual assault, and rape really mean. And according to Merryn they invited her into their home to educate both them and their children many years ago on boundaries, bad touch etc.
Not only that but isn't there some level of denial when you do not seek the proper treatment for any of the family members involved?  She says in the interview that yes the Duggar's made mistakes and that she told them she hoped their daughters would not be re-victimized- but where is the criticism from someone who has had to deal with a painful experience and heal- about how the family treated the healing of everyone involved?  

"The very first page of my book, An Unimaginable Act, even has a quote from Michelle and Jim Bob. They wrote, ‘Erin Merryn is a dynamic Christian young lady who shares her tragic testimony of how she was abused growing up, but once she was able to open up, God set her free."  Erin Merryn
    
      I was really troubled by the fact that Merryn is an advocate for protecting children. She purports the belief that what happened to her was wrong; yet she seemed supportive of the Duggar's perception of her work and personal healing. The Duggar's perception and response to Merryn comes across as if her being a sexual abuse victim was before she found Christ- as if it was her own sin that caused her to be abused. It might seem like I am reading to much into their statement but I believe that the phrasing comes across in that manner. Also this would not be out of line with the Duggar's belief system. It would be acceptable to say the victims had sinned and the abuse is partly their fault. I couldn't stomach reading all the way through the Gothard literature on that particular belief but there are links if you wish to google it. 

    I want to praise Merryn for stating that she believed the Duggar's did not handle the situation  as they should have, but so many other things undermine this for me. Her statements about the Duggar girls wanting to protect their parents are accurate. However when she shares her own story of pasting on a smile so her Mom wouldn't be  grieved about the abuse she (Merryn) suffered- I shudder a little. It might be a natural instinct as she put it, but Merryn perhaps unintentionally normalizes this idea that her mothers feelings were her responsibility. In that situation neither her or the Duggar girls feelings are acknowledged and the parents take on the victim role- even though they were not the ones victimized. Merryn also does not acknowledge that the Duggar girls are protecting their parents and pasting on smiles because that is a core part of their beliefs. They are not just trying to put on a good show, and keep a stiff upper lip to be supportive- they believe not doing so is a bad attitude and grieves God.  

"Parents are supposed to protect their kids, but kids want to protect us, too. So I’m not surprised at all – I figured they would take this position. If they had a problem with their parents, or how they handled it, this would have come out long ago." Erin Merryn

     This statement is just galling. Merryn again seems to be completely unaware of the belief structure the Duggar's adhere to. In what world would the Duggar girls ever come out and say they have a problem with their parents?!  Even with being independent it would take a while to be able to break free from such an authoritative parenting style as well as the type of family structure. Not only that if they were to speak out against their parents the consequences could be estrangement. They could be cut off by their parents and might not be allowed to see their siblings.  Also to consider is that there is a lot of pressure for the Duggar girls to respond in a way that does not damage their parent's and families public image. It's more than just being naturally protective when you could get blamed for the entire dissolution of the families image and income. Merryn's lack of awareness also shows in her statement that the Duggar children were some of the most well behaved children she'd seen. Yes I bet they were! You would be well behaved to if you were afraid of the consequences for being seen as behaving badly.

    I appreciate how she tries to make the situation an educational moment, and asks parents to consider putting themselves in the Duggar's shoes- and how would they handle it. She said she hopes parents would follow the proper protocol and authority channels. That's all really lovely, but I am concerned  by some of the elements to her message- those which seem contrary.  She says it is not her job to judge- in her message to Michelle Duggar. I believe that it may not be our job to judge the Duggar's but it is our job to discuss and critique. It is not a judgement to look at their actions, evaluate, and to ask the tough questions. As a survivor what does "not judging" say about our right to call out dysfunctional families and systems that didn't protect us from abuse or even worse helped foster it? I'm frustrated and saddened by some of what she says, but also believe that Merryn likely has a ways to go in her own healing and evaluations of the messages and beliefs she holds onto. I just wish she would evaluate a little more quickly before creating any potential harm and confusion for survivors and others who look to her as a role model.   

Belief

     I think I can honestly say- especially since I was raised Evangelical Christian, my anger, maybe even seething rage at the current and past behavior of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar does not have to do with the fact that they are Christian. I can respect that they have and value a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. What I cannot respect is that they are not behaving in a truly Christ like manner. And I want to specify behavior because this isn't just parenting mistakes or something that can be blamed on not being perfect- but by the grace of God go they. It's a behavior and not a mistake when it is a constant or recurring pattern. Though watching them speak in the few clips of their interview with Megyn Kelly; I recognize that this behavior is so tied up in the lens view they have chosen to see the world through. They remind me of Raina in the series Agents of Shield, as both being those who are "true believers". True believers can be idealistic; they cling to whatever belief they have as being not only part of their ultimate purpose but the belief that it is the ultimate purpose.

     So it's not that I have an issue with those who are Christian. I believe there are those who have found God and created a life that draws strength from that spiritual relationship. That strength of spirit can make them someone of compassion. It can make them spiritual in a way that is grounded and where they are whole in themselves and therefore can engage compassionately with others and they cultivate a spiritual presence that blesses others but has no agenda.They are the ones that laugh at themselves and hold no judgement for themselves or others.  I think such individuals are beautiful and all too rare.  I have sadly only known a few in my life of the Christian faith that encompass such life and light. I wish that was the standard for what it meant to be a light in the world.

     With true believers something else seems to take shape in their faith and belief. We've all experienced the feeling of watching a true believers faith coming to fruition. We have seen it played out in the world many times. It's hard for me to pin point an exact description of what occurs when true belief blooms in their mind because it depends on the individual and their way of thinking. It seems though that all other thought gets shut out or shut down, the true believer is dedicated to a singular truth and anything that falls outside of that is blocked out. Perhaps the most defining element of a true believer archetype is that they don't ask questions.

     I can respect someone who is Christian, but not someone who no longer questions things when it is to their detriment and that of others.  When someone adheres to dogmatic religious principles it is not  really something that is truly reflective of Jesus. If anything Jesus was the opposite of that; he seemed to believe in teaching spiritual matters in a simple and connective way. For example when the people with more rigid beliefs tried to tell children they were to be seen and not heard -Jesus told them to let the children come to him. He was a grounded compassionate individual willing to connect with those who were seen as lesser- women and children. It's not Christian or even spiritual anymore when your beliefs harm others. And despite the determined idealism- it cannot be true faith if you are not willing to question it. I  remember listening to a radio broadcast of Pastor Greg Lorre; he talked about faith and that it was okay to question and push back against God because God would push back and show you were the boundaries were. And while I don't like thinking or believing in a God that has just put you in some invisible box and is saying "go ahead test the boundary";  I have taken away something good from what Pastor Lorre said. I feel that at the core of what he said is that if you really believe in God,  then you have faith and trust that God knows you well enough to know you have to ask questions. You trust that he knows that you as an individual need to take your own path in finding your faith.  The Duggar's beliefs do not appear to really be grounded in Christ at all. They truly appear to be opposites of Christ; if anything Jim Bob and Michelle are more representative of the Pharisees who practiced faith in a more dogmatic fashion.

     Both Jim Bob and Michelle come across as if victimized, as if they do not understand why bad things are happening to them and their beliefs are being attacked. I am beginning to think that it this is not solely for PR purposes but that they might actually believe or feel victimized. They likely believe that they did the best they could. I have seen this with my parents in their own narcissism. They separate themselves from whatever things they have done in the past, as if it were an entirely different persons actions. Therefore they really believe they haven't done anything wrong, and they disassociate mentally. And with their spiritual beliefs they seem to use that to rationalize and disassociate as well. I've heard Vaarsuvius say many times as Jim Bob and Michelle have done "I did the best I could as a parent". Perhaps like V- they cannot handle seeing themselves as bad, or they both believe from their spiritual perspective that they aren't and that its the truth.

       It's fine that the Duggar's are Christians, but I believe they should still act with responsibility- especially because they are Christian. They need to own their behavior and not what they say are quote "mistakes". I lose all respect for this kind of adherence to beliefs. It can cause me to feel angry and frustrated because I have had it practiced on me, I know the hurt and damage it can cause. This type of adherence means they do not ask questions and have such a thick defense wall that you can't tell them anything. You are unable to discuss anything, they stick to a script and seem unable or unwilling to stray from it. This is incredibly problematic when there are important issues that affect others, especially children. This is the kind of thing I find infuriating; where they use belief to allow themselves to operate outside of social, moral, and legal standards. The beliefs stem from their interpretations of Christianity. They believe in the one true God and anything outside of that is false. They believe the Bible is infallible, and they believe that they are right. They operate as their beliefs being the only true and correct ones and therefore they alone are right. This gives them some sense of power to then say what is right and what is not, and that it is based on the Bible. That being the only true word of God and it cannot be refuted.  This unquestionable sense of rightness creates the basis for it being okay to operate outside of other standards. So Jim Bob and Michelle believe they followed a spiritual standard in how they handled Josh, and that they did it correctly. They therefore probably don't believe any other kind of moral or legal application was truly necessary.

    The interview with Megyn Kelly feels as if the Duggar's were not only speaking from a PR script, but that they were speaking from the memorized script of belief that they live and breathe. This makes true discussion moot. I feel I can't respect the dogmatic dedication especially when true moral issues come into play. It's such hypocrisy to believe in a higher moral standard yet not believe in being law abiding citizens. If you look at things from a Jesus perspective; he didn't simply cling to his own spiritual beliefs and place himself above the law. In fact I believe I recall several occasions that he chose to adhere to the laws of the land and encouraged others to as well. But the law aside- isn't the sexual assault of little girls an issue that should set off the Duggar's moral compass as Christians? They attempted to show some element of this in the interview but it does not come off as entirely believable.

     I can respect belief but not as means for excusing bad behavior, especially doing so without question. Didn't God first mandate that we take care of the garden of Eden and our the earth, then that we love one another? We are supposed to engage in ways that help our communities and world thrive, we are supposed to engage with one another- not separate ourselves with dogmatic structures or refuse  responsibility to the others around us. I have said that I have issues with Christianity the religion I grew up with, and that I have issues with its core structure. This is true; there are many aspects (if not most all) to the religion that are very troubling to me. There are core pieces that support women and children being lesser, and I do not believe that is okay. But it is a  human made and interpreted structure. The Bible was written and interpreted by men. However when I filter out everything- all the structure and leave Jesus remaining; I can respect others belief in him as a wonderful spiritual teacher/ Savior.

The messy bits of anger

 
      I was considering anger the other day, since I have felt such a great deal of it this week. I questioned the best methods to express anger, and the appropriate levels of that expression. I worried over how I sound in my blog posts- whether I sound angry or outright hateful and spewing vitriol. I always strive for balance and making arguments and expression logical and not unfounded assumptions that I have run wild with. I try to not make statements that cannot be proven with fact. I do believe that doing so is important to being able to hold worthwhile discussions. Not only that spewing nonsense and vitriol unchecked means that you either rile up a crowd or no one hears anything you were really trying to say. But do you know what I am also worried about? Pleasing others, and not being seen as hateful or bitter. I am afraid of making critiques that others find offensive and without any base. Finally I'm afraid of critiquing my own religion, even when I often do so publicly. The fear is grounded in an experiences where critiquing or questioning things, including my faiths beliefs; somehow made me bitter and angry. The fear is also compounded by my childhood lessons about emotional expression.

         In my experience quite often the type of response or feeling created by questioning and critiquing was "how can you be questioning God"? If you were questioning God, angry with God or frustrated with Biblical principles; it was heard and interpreted as a stubborn rebellious heart. It was seen as a lack of submission to God, or that an individual had personal problems "heart issues" and were directing that at God. All of this seemed to lead to the belief that you didn't want to believe in God, because if you did you would not be having such an angry reaction. This kind of anger, rebellious disbelief made you a struggling sinner who needed to turn their heart home and be obedient, re-align your will with that of God. There wasn't really a discussion to be had, as God's rules were solid and that's the way it was. When you questioned things because there were issues or problems; It was seen as not questioning the issue itself but the whole of your religions beliefs. Because if their faith and spirituality comes from God, and God is good, saying there are issues is often seen in these black and white terms. Suddenly its as if you are saying there is an issue, therefore God is not perfect, God is not good. But also when you questioned an issue you were implying that their interpretations might be flawed, and this causes upset because they seem to feel that they are interpreting truth from a perfect God. So if you are saying the interpretation might be flawed, then what does that say about God? It brings into question their ability to accurately interpret scripture, and being wrong is very scary when you believe you will go to hell.  Easiest solution to that potential chaos and dissolution of belief? Blame the one asking all the questions. Label them as hateful and bitter!

     It is not only questioning things that brings about that label, it's also your attitude and the beliefs around emotions. Even in Evangelical Christian Churches and homes, and in particular my Church there was the belief about keeping a smile on your face and never having a bad attitude. Expressions of anger or any other emotion a child might go through were considered choices and a choice of sinning. They weren't a normal part of development, their were seen again as rebellious, willful and a child's natural wicked nature that needed to be re-shaped.

     I know I say this and in a sometimes heavily dramatized or sarcastic tone, but growing up in an Evangelical Church and faith as a girl then young woman had everything to do with how I was treated. I could have at times an air of independence, be obstinate and had a willingness to question the status qua quite brazenly. I also at times fearlessly aired my families dirty laundry in order to get help and be heard. This last thing I think was the most shocking thing for the Church community. Children who said things like that about their parents were shameful, disrespectful. It wasn't seen as a cry for help, it was seen as this disruptive behavior. You weren't supposed to question parental authority, and whatever was wrong you could work out as a family in your own home. And parents were to be held in respect and esteem no matter what difficulties-which everyone assumed were minor at the most. But being as a girl, then young woman, that really labeled me as over reactive and emotional- and not someone to listen to or believe.
 
      My lessons about anger and expression were topped off by being in an abusive home, where the already troubling beliefs about children were put into the hands of those who should have never had any. You can blame my parents for their dysfunction and site that a true Christian would never harm their children in such ways. But the problem is the beliefs handed to them were like a recipe book, with all the ingredients to for abuse in it. In fact I know now of stories in which parents who were not for all intensive purposes abusive- this type of parenting recipe book caused an extraordinary amount of damage in their children and even death. Anger was seen as an outright flouting of my parents authority, stubbornness and being rotten. The one that was harped on the most was whatever was seen as a bad attitude, in fact so much so that Other Child and I started using it on each other. The accusing phrase was always "your attitude stinks right now".  A lot of emotional expression, normal childhood meltdowns and temper tantrums was seen as disobedience and our being bad. It was seen overall as inappropriate and their was a mandate to never embarrass our parents with any such thing in front of others/ publicly. Anger and expression could be seen as downright shameful behavior, especially on my part. So imagine that! I still can feel shame or worry that I have been too outspoken and that I am being bad when I express myself.

     My antidote to these feelings is to think through what I know about emotions, expression and how important that is, and how normal to health and well being. I also think about Jesus the day he was in the temple and had this huge temper outburst- he flipped more tables than the Italian New Jersey Real Housewife Teresa Guidice. He wasn't just angry he had a serious temper flair up, and he didn't just say he was angry he ran around showing it in this powerful outburst. If Jesus is allowed to be angry and can flip tables, I can be angry and say so. I was thinking this week about the thing that really caused him to erupt in a blaze of fury was the money lenders in the temple, and the self righteous Pharisees lurking about. I wondered what would he think of Christians and Faith oriented Politicians in a similar setting as that temple- the public arena, legislative buildings and media. What do you think he would say to these "money lenders" and often hypocritical pharisees about their response to the five girls that were molested? If he was upset about the desecration of his Fathers house, how much more upset would he be about the desecration of an even holier temple; that of the 5 young girls bodies?

      The things that happened to me growing up and how my church was not there for me, but instead another source of abuse- those things were hurtful. It was also painful and inflicted a lot of damage. Wanting to be helped but no one being willing to hear you, and then sometimes having them send you right back to your abusers; that was not only rejection but betrayal. It was also negligent. Their not speaking up for me, or helping or deciding  on anything was a choice. This kind of pain would make anyone angry, I am starting to hold onto the belief about the normality of that. I was taught to hide the mess, that anger was messy, inappropriate, not lady like or mature. But that's the truth of things, sometimes they are messy. Healing is messy, imperfect, up and down. I am learning that I can stand in my anger and it be messy for a time. I'm learning that it's okay- it's a moment and it's where I am at in that moment. I think we really often believe that we are never supposed to be angry, never supposed to be messy, that being angry makes us not nice. For women we often have the "Nice Girl Syndrome", and we think we have to be sweet, nice, sugar and spice all the time or we've morphed into a version of ourselves that we are afraid to meet and looks strikingly similar to Joan Rivers.

     The final thing I am realizing is that while I do want to strive to create balance and discussion when I blog, there are others who already do that amazingly well. In my blog I want to create a space for the parts of spiritual abuse and childhood abuse that are emotional, and sometimes have a tone of raw honesty. Often we see abuse survivors in the media being portrayed as saints, that they have healed, blossomed and everything is beautiful. But we don't see the messy and hard parts of their healing or truly talk about them. Anger seems to get shuffled under the rug in our culture at large. It's a problem having survivors reactions, emotions, and experiences sanitized; due of the uncomfortable nature of the subject matter. I know how much I appreciate hearing other survivors express themselves in a way that helps me feel I am not the only one, and in a way that shows realness. That's something I want to hold onto in my blog. Ultimately though the purpose of this blog is creating a therapeutic space for me. I am able to channel emotions, and express myself. This is how I heal; even if I occasionally sound like Joan Rivers unfiltered.    




   

Reliving a nightmare; In the wake of scandal

     Mike Huckabee's recent words angers me a great deal. Right now I positively hate that odious man, I find him loathsome and repulsive. I'm seriously angry at what he said in response to Josh Duggar raping five girls, in the now public wide scandal.

     In this case where we actually know that Josh Duggar undeniably sexually assaulted/raped five girls- Mike Huckabee dismissed it as a mistake and with all the seriousness of a typographical error. Even though this abuse scandal has been pushed into the public eye where it cannot be denied; Huckabee and others of Conservative, Evangelical, and Christian fundamentalist bearing still refuse to acknowledge it. And they do so by their treatment of it.

      Hearing Huckabee's words was like re-living all of the times I was dismissed regarding my own abuse experiences, even when I needed help. It was like reliving all the times of screaming on the inside or feeling like I was screaming and pounding my fists against those who were intentionally blind and deaf to even the highest amount of noise I could muster. And while they ignored my abusers slipped off into the shadows. My abusers got away with everything, no consequences. I would never be believed. And here even in a situation with evidence it seems the abusers still get away. It also seems that Josh Duggar's victims are treated as if they don't deserve the same amount of consideration as their rapist.

    "But of course everyone knows that women and girls are just emotional creatures anyway, I mean how much more of a victim could they be- this is how they react to everything right!?
And Josh Duggar is a Godly man who's character is being horribly publicly maligned. Poor thing he didn't have a chance, he was already a victim before this rape scandal (5 girls). And these girls were probably out to get him and more than likely used dark arts to seduce him. Poor, poor Josh. He was a victim the moment he was born, as are many such Godly men who must face a warped world of bitter women and a secular culture who wants to tear them down and destroy family values. From the moment he was born he would have been assaulted with this force of evil and made to face it head on."

     This sounds like it is only my over the top imaginative, sarcastic dramatization. But you would never believe how much of that is actually what Evangelical, Fundamentalists and those who belong to Quiverfull actually believe in some form or another (or maybe you would).
Those type of beliefs are founded on that singular moment in the garden of Eden when man was first victimized by a dark conniving force; a woman. This belief system has taken shape post Eden in a way that favors men and disenfranchises and marginalizes women. In the Pre-fallout Eden there seems to be evidence of the very controversial equal partnership plan. Saying these belief's are set up to favor men might seem a broad statement to make and therefore difficult to defend. However I ask you to consider the following: What if Josh Duggar was a woman who raped 5 younger girls?

     Would Mike Huckabee be rushing to make a statement of support? Would he say that J. Duggar, a woman of God simply made mistakes in the past? Would he still feel compelled when he is no longer defending a fellow member of the Godly bro-club? Could a Godly woman be so quickly forgiven for pasts mistakes, especially because it was before she truly knew Christ? I would base my hypothetical answer to that by asking for starters- when has womankind ever been forgiven by Godly men for their original mistake- the one involving an apple? It's potentially likely that the brilliant minds of those such as Huckabee would resort to calling out the state of J. Duggar's mental health- were he a woman in this scenario. They would point to hormones in some way, insanity and anything that fits with their image of the weaker sex. It's also a high probability that they would turn to their favorite stand by theories about the deviousness of women's sexuality.

     I have PTSD from having to relive the sickening corrupt politics, and facets of the Christian belief system. One that sometimes seems to let those who cause damage walk away free. One that often will interpret scripture however they see fit, and one that often disregards women as equal, competent human beings. I have my concerns about the founding principles for the entire religion that I was brought up with- but for today when I say Christian belief system I am focusing on those unhealthy facets that tend to be rigid, extreme and are essentially fundamentalist.

    Mike Huckabee's wording brought to life the pain and torment  I  had felt at being trapped in a system that refused to hear me, refused to acknowledge me. I was simply an obstinate, outspoken woman who was flooded with hormones and reduced in my ability to reason logically or tell the truth. Even when I as metaphorically pounding on the door, in need of help and had wolves nipping at my heels I was not acknowledged. In such cases you might be "dealt with" but your abusers won't. If it is true that the Duggar's not only hid the rapes to protect Josh but also to out wait the statute of limitations it makes me fell ill and incredibly heart sick. And despite everything we now know; I see many supposedly spiritual people  defending them, and defending a rapist- Josh Duggar.

     While coping with the injustices of my own experiences, my own abuse, sexually, spiritually and otherwise I always look to other similar circumstances to feel hope. I think to myself that maybe even though I did not find justice some other victim can. Then it feels in a way that I have found justice too. So it is incredibly saddening to watch this current scandal in all its unjust horror being played out. To say that life is not fair or that there are bad people out there does not even begin to cut it when an explanation for such atrocities is not only needed, but deserved.

And Mike Huckabee can go stick it where the sun doesn't shine.

Today is our day- Happy Mothers day

Today is our day.

Today we deserve to take hold of the revolutionary idea that we can make today about us.

We can leave guilt behind; it is not our choices that have created a rift between ourselves and our mothers. It is not our choices that have reaped consequences and therefore it is not our responsibility to shoulder them. 

     

We may feel alone but it is not something we have done to ourselves, it is not a choice, we are not to blame. And even though it feels like we are the ones left in isolation and pain because our mothers refuse to shoulder the burden of hurt, it does not make it our fault. We experience pain because of the loss, rejection and abuse and just because they won't own up to it does not mean we have to carry all of it. It is not ours to carry. We can forgive ourselves because we have done nothing wrong, we are not the reason things have failed, crashed and burned. 

    

We sometimes end up taking on more of the injury and damage than is truly ours. It's okay to let it go, it doesn't mean we are irresponsible or ignoring the hurt, we are just taking care of the only portion that is actually ours and shifting the rest of the burden where it belongs. Narcissists and abusive parents have a tendency of gaslighting, causing damage and then walking away with no repercussions. When their kid is left with all the repercussions it can feel like it is their fault, they end up carrying the hurt while the parent has little to no damage. The walking away is to teach the kid, trick the kid, that all the responsibility for that hurt is theirs and that they must have done something wrong or the parent would still be around or would have owned their part. But that is not how narcissists and abusive parents operate, they will never own their part, so let's not own it for them. Let's dump all the blame and guilt we place on ourselves and put it into their corner, even if just in our minds. 

We can feel sad today and grieve our losses, but let's not be sad because we think it is something we have done to deserve it. That we have somehow chosen self exile and self inflicting pain. It's not true. Let's not hold onto sadness with guilt and self depreciation because we think we could have done better, chosen different. It's not true. The only ones who could have done better and chosen different are the mothers (parents) who have created isolation and estrangement. They choose their behavior and the consequences are theirs whether they pretend they are or not.  They did all the damage, and inflicted the hurt. 

   

Today is about us, about letting go of the things we did not do and loving ourselves and our inner child. Today is about celebrating the mother within who has nurtured and coached us back to health and well being. We can celebrate how amazing and wondrous it is that we have the capacity to do that, how much we grow and that we have done it all without our dysfunctional parents. 

We are quite amazing!

Happy Mothers day to us.

Do not turn yourself inside out

I really liked this quote; I always seem to find things like this when I really need them.

A wave of sadness had hit me yesterday, in part because I was still trying to recover and process from a nightmare the night before. I had this horrible dream Other Child was dying and there was nothing I could do about it. I was at their bedside forced with having to let them go. I think a dream like that is fairly representative of how I am still sorting through my feelings after making the choice to go no contact. Sometimes making a choice like that when faced with an abusive family system (their way of thinking) you have to think of things in very black and white terms and be as unemotional as you can. If you let your emotions get involved there is a greater chance of getting hoovered back into the family. It's because you care, love them despite everything  and feel guilt not only because it seem you are hurting them but because you have been trained to accept all responsibility for any problems and issues. You have also been trained to think you are "the bad one" that they only want whats best for you, and that you have emotional issues and cannot see clearly. It's easy to believe them- that's why you almost have to completely shut that part of yourself off when you decide to leave. But in the aftermath all that pain from separation comes flooding in because you are in a safe space to feel it. And all the doubts flood back in as well. Did you make a terrible mistake, couldn't you have gone about things differently?

      I was feeling the sadness and doubt yesterday. I though about Other Child and because it's easy for me to put myself in their shoes I feel bad. They are likely genuinely hurt, and I feel horrible about that. I also think they do not understand and that makes the hurt worse. I thought about starting a series of posts here were I could write letters to them (even if they never read them) and explain myself better, that now that I have some distance I could communicate in a more mature way. I thought maybe this would create understanding and diminish the idea that I am hurtful on purpose and that I am selfish and hateful.  I just want to tell them that everything really makes sense and that it wasn't a decision based out of spite or a lack of caring about them. I can hear them in my head telling me that "If you really cared you would have stuck around to work things out, you wouldn't have isolated yourself, you isolate everybody". But then I am faced with the sticking point that never goes away. They are entrenched in the family program and they don't have any idea. Their idea of our relationship is that family comes first and it doesn't matter what they do you let it go and move on. Their idea of working on our relationship was to blame me for all of its problems. And to be fair I certainly share a portion of the hurt. But never were they willing to think or admit that they shared a portion as well. It would have been a one dimensional relationship at best. Even if we were to leave the family issues and some of our issues to the side there was dysfunction in some very basic aspects of the relationship. If they said something in a tone that felt hurtful I could not tell them without launching into an endless spiraling argument were my words would be twisted and they would put up a defense and shift any blame back to me. 

     It is still hard even knowing that. I don't hate them, and still care about them. And because of this I fall into thinking "if only I had done something different". In a way trying to shoulder the blame and responsibility gives me more of a feeling of control over the situation than the unfortunate reality in which I have none, and I have to deal with the loss of the relationship. It's hard because I know how they think, I know how the majority of my family thinks and I react to this in ways where I try to fix things and make it  better, do better, seem more grown up and mature so that maybe then they will have nothing bad to say about me, or can't blame me, or finally see that I am telling the truth and I am not hateful and on an mission to hurt them. It is hard because I have still cared what they think- I have given them all a great deal of power by caring what they think of me and desperately trying to fix that image.

     I felt like they could still hurt me if they didn't see the truth of things, if they participated in trashing me in family wide smear campaigns. I felt like they still had a power over my life and I have wanted to do damage control. At times I have, and sometimes making those statements to speak for yourself is important. But the truth is they all live in a bubble, and all things they have hurt by smear campaigns and disbelief are in that bubble. And anyone who does not stop to think or bother to ask me was always going to be part of that bubble. While it feels like I have lost everything- and that is a very real feeling worthy of honoring the grief attached- I have not lost anything that was not already lost to begin with. My families power stops there in the bubble, and they have no further power unless I give it to them and  I am coming to recognize the reality that I cannot turn myself inside out, trying to explain myself to people who refuse to see me, I am beginning to know who I am. 

Spring

               

Friday March 20th was the first day of spring and also Ostara (Eostre) marking a time of new beginnings and a change in the season. It's a good time to do spring cleaning and think about the year gone by. 

                                                     The Dream                           The Reality

      As always it is easy to come into this time of year with lots of ambitions and ideas for how to change your life. You have your dream self that you hope you turn into, and then the day to day reality of how it feels to get there. But looking back over the year it is helpful to remind yourself of how far you have come and it doesn't matter how much Ben and Jerry's it took to get there, or how many times you crawled back into bed to wait on a better day- to come out again.