The messy bits of anger

 
      I was considering anger the other day, since I have felt such a great deal of it this week. I questioned the best methods to express anger, and the appropriate levels of that expression. I worried over how I sound in my blog posts- whether I sound angry or outright hateful and spewing vitriol. I always strive for balance and making arguments and expression logical and not unfounded assumptions that I have run wild with. I try to not make statements that cannot be proven with fact. I do believe that doing so is important to being able to hold worthwhile discussions. Not only that spewing nonsense and vitriol unchecked means that you either rile up a crowd or no one hears anything you were really trying to say. But do you know what I am also worried about? Pleasing others, and not being seen as hateful or bitter. I am afraid of making critiques that others find offensive and without any base. Finally I'm afraid of critiquing my own religion, even when I often do so publicly. The fear is grounded in an experiences where critiquing or questioning things, including my faiths beliefs; somehow made me bitter and angry. The fear is also compounded by my childhood lessons about emotional expression.

         In my experience quite often the type of response or feeling created by questioning and critiquing was "how can you be questioning God"? If you were questioning God, angry with God or frustrated with Biblical principles; it was heard and interpreted as a stubborn rebellious heart. It was seen as a lack of submission to God, or that an individual had personal problems "heart issues" and were directing that at God. All of this seemed to lead to the belief that you didn't want to believe in God, because if you did you would not be having such an angry reaction. This kind of anger, rebellious disbelief made you a struggling sinner who needed to turn their heart home and be obedient, re-align your will with that of God. There wasn't really a discussion to be had, as God's rules were solid and that's the way it was. When you questioned things because there were issues or problems; It was seen as not questioning the issue itself but the whole of your religions beliefs. Because if their faith and spirituality comes from God, and God is good, saying there are issues is often seen in these black and white terms. Suddenly its as if you are saying there is an issue, therefore God is not perfect, God is not good. But also when you questioned an issue you were implying that their interpretations might be flawed, and this causes upset because they seem to feel that they are interpreting truth from a perfect God. So if you are saying the interpretation might be flawed, then what does that say about God? It brings into question their ability to accurately interpret scripture, and being wrong is very scary when you believe you will go to hell.  Easiest solution to that potential chaos and dissolution of belief? Blame the one asking all the questions. Label them as hateful and bitter!

     It is not only questioning things that brings about that label, it's also your attitude and the beliefs around emotions. Even in Evangelical Christian Churches and homes, and in particular my Church there was the belief about keeping a smile on your face and never having a bad attitude. Expressions of anger or any other emotion a child might go through were considered choices and a choice of sinning. They weren't a normal part of development, their were seen again as rebellious, willful and a child's natural wicked nature that needed to be re-shaped.

     I know I say this and in a sometimes heavily dramatized or sarcastic tone, but growing up in an Evangelical Church and faith as a girl then young woman had everything to do with how I was treated. I could have at times an air of independence, be obstinate and had a willingness to question the status qua quite brazenly. I also at times fearlessly aired my families dirty laundry in order to get help and be heard. This last thing I think was the most shocking thing for the Church community. Children who said things like that about their parents were shameful, disrespectful. It wasn't seen as a cry for help, it was seen as this disruptive behavior. You weren't supposed to question parental authority, and whatever was wrong you could work out as a family in your own home. And parents were to be held in respect and esteem no matter what difficulties-which everyone assumed were minor at the most. But being as a girl, then young woman, that really labeled me as over reactive and emotional- and not someone to listen to or believe.
 
      My lessons about anger and expression were topped off by being in an abusive home, where the already troubling beliefs about children were put into the hands of those who should have never had any. You can blame my parents for their dysfunction and site that a true Christian would never harm their children in such ways. But the problem is the beliefs handed to them were like a recipe book, with all the ingredients to for abuse in it. In fact I know now of stories in which parents who were not for all intensive purposes abusive- this type of parenting recipe book caused an extraordinary amount of damage in their children and even death. Anger was seen as an outright flouting of my parents authority, stubbornness and being rotten. The one that was harped on the most was whatever was seen as a bad attitude, in fact so much so that Other Child and I started using it on each other. The accusing phrase was always "your attitude stinks right now".  A lot of emotional expression, normal childhood meltdowns and temper tantrums was seen as disobedience and our being bad. It was seen overall as inappropriate and their was a mandate to never embarrass our parents with any such thing in front of others/ publicly. Anger and expression could be seen as downright shameful behavior, especially on my part. So imagine that! I still can feel shame or worry that I have been too outspoken and that I am being bad when I express myself.

     My antidote to these feelings is to think through what I know about emotions, expression and how important that is, and how normal to health and well being. I also think about Jesus the day he was in the temple and had this huge temper outburst- he flipped more tables than the Italian New Jersey Real Housewife Teresa Guidice. He wasn't just angry he had a serious temper flair up, and he didn't just say he was angry he ran around showing it in this powerful outburst. If Jesus is allowed to be angry and can flip tables, I can be angry and say so. I was thinking this week about the thing that really caused him to erupt in a blaze of fury was the money lenders in the temple, and the self righteous Pharisees lurking about. I wondered what would he think of Christians and Faith oriented Politicians in a similar setting as that temple- the public arena, legislative buildings and media. What do you think he would say to these "money lenders" and often hypocritical pharisees about their response to the five girls that were molested? If he was upset about the desecration of his Fathers house, how much more upset would he be about the desecration of an even holier temple; that of the 5 young girls bodies?

      The things that happened to me growing up and how my church was not there for me, but instead another source of abuse- those things were hurtful. It was also painful and inflicted a lot of damage. Wanting to be helped but no one being willing to hear you, and then sometimes having them send you right back to your abusers; that was not only rejection but betrayal. It was also negligent. Their not speaking up for me, or helping or deciding  on anything was a choice. This kind of pain would make anyone angry, I am starting to hold onto the belief about the normality of that. I was taught to hide the mess, that anger was messy, inappropriate, not lady like or mature. But that's the truth of things, sometimes they are messy. Healing is messy, imperfect, up and down. I am learning that I can stand in my anger and it be messy for a time. I'm learning that it's okay- it's a moment and it's where I am at in that moment. I think we really often believe that we are never supposed to be angry, never supposed to be messy, that being angry makes us not nice. For women we often have the "Nice Girl Syndrome", and we think we have to be sweet, nice, sugar and spice all the time or we've morphed into a version of ourselves that we are afraid to meet and looks strikingly similar to Joan Rivers.

     The final thing I am realizing is that while I do want to strive to create balance and discussion when I blog, there are others who already do that amazingly well. In my blog I want to create a space for the parts of spiritual abuse and childhood abuse that are emotional, and sometimes have a tone of raw honesty. Often we see abuse survivors in the media being portrayed as saints, that they have healed, blossomed and everything is beautiful. But we don't see the messy and hard parts of their healing or truly talk about them. Anger seems to get shuffled under the rug in our culture at large. It's a problem having survivors reactions, emotions, and experiences sanitized; due of the uncomfortable nature of the subject matter. I know how much I appreciate hearing other survivors express themselves in a way that helps me feel I am not the only one, and in a way that shows realness. That's something I want to hold onto in my blog. Ultimately though the purpose of this blog is creating a therapeutic space for me. I am able to channel emotions, and express myself. This is how I heal; even if I occasionally sound like Joan Rivers unfiltered.    




   

Reliving a nightmare; In the wake of scandal

     Mike Huckabee's recent words angers me a great deal. Right now I positively hate that odious man, I find him loathsome and repulsive. I'm seriously angry at what he said in response to Josh Duggar raping five girls, in the now public wide scandal.

     In this case where we actually know that Josh Duggar undeniably sexually assaulted/raped five girls- Mike Huckabee dismissed it as a mistake and with all the seriousness of a typographical error. Even though this abuse scandal has been pushed into the public eye where it cannot be denied; Huckabee and others of Conservative, Evangelical, and Christian fundamentalist bearing still refuse to acknowledge it. And they do so by their treatment of it.

      Hearing Huckabee's words was like re-living all of the times I was dismissed regarding my own abuse experiences, even when I needed help. It was like reliving all the times of screaming on the inside or feeling like I was screaming and pounding my fists against those who were intentionally blind and deaf to even the highest amount of noise I could muster. And while they ignored my abusers slipped off into the shadows. My abusers got away with everything, no consequences. I would never be believed. And here even in a situation with evidence it seems the abusers still get away. It also seems that Josh Duggar's victims are treated as if they don't deserve the same amount of consideration as their rapist.

    "But of course everyone knows that women and girls are just emotional creatures anyway, I mean how much more of a victim could they be- this is how they react to everything right!?
And Josh Duggar is a Godly man who's character is being horribly publicly maligned. Poor thing he didn't have a chance, he was already a victim before this rape scandal (5 girls). And these girls were probably out to get him and more than likely used dark arts to seduce him. Poor, poor Josh. He was a victim the moment he was born, as are many such Godly men who must face a warped world of bitter women and a secular culture who wants to tear them down and destroy family values. From the moment he was born he would have been assaulted with this force of evil and made to face it head on."

     This sounds like it is only my over the top imaginative, sarcastic dramatization. But you would never believe how much of that is actually what Evangelical, Fundamentalists and those who belong to Quiverfull actually believe in some form or another (or maybe you would).
Those type of beliefs are founded on that singular moment in the garden of Eden when man was first victimized by a dark conniving force; a woman. This belief system has taken shape post Eden in a way that favors men and disenfranchises and marginalizes women. In the Pre-fallout Eden there seems to be evidence of the very controversial equal partnership plan. Saying these belief's are set up to favor men might seem a broad statement to make and therefore difficult to defend. However I ask you to consider the following: What if Josh Duggar was a woman who raped 5 younger girls?

     Would Mike Huckabee be rushing to make a statement of support? Would he say that J. Duggar, a woman of God simply made mistakes in the past? Would he still feel compelled when he is no longer defending a fellow member of the Godly bro-club? Could a Godly woman be so quickly forgiven for pasts mistakes, especially because it was before she truly knew Christ? I would base my hypothetical answer to that by asking for starters- when has womankind ever been forgiven by Godly men for their original mistake- the one involving an apple? It's potentially likely that the brilliant minds of those such as Huckabee would resort to calling out the state of J. Duggar's mental health- were he a woman in this scenario. They would point to hormones in some way, insanity and anything that fits with their image of the weaker sex. It's also a high probability that they would turn to their favorite stand by theories about the deviousness of women's sexuality.

     I have PTSD from having to relive the sickening corrupt politics, and facets of the Christian belief system. One that sometimes seems to let those who cause damage walk away free. One that often will interpret scripture however they see fit, and one that often disregards women as equal, competent human beings. I have my concerns about the founding principles for the entire religion that I was brought up with- but for today when I say Christian belief system I am focusing on those unhealthy facets that tend to be rigid, extreme and are essentially fundamentalist.

    Mike Huckabee's wording brought to life the pain and torment  I  had felt at being trapped in a system that refused to hear me, refused to acknowledge me. I was simply an obstinate, outspoken woman who was flooded with hormones and reduced in my ability to reason logically or tell the truth. Even when I as metaphorically pounding on the door, in need of help and had wolves nipping at my heels I was not acknowledged. In such cases you might be "dealt with" but your abusers won't. If it is true that the Duggar's not only hid the rapes to protect Josh but also to out wait the statute of limitations it makes me fell ill and incredibly heart sick. And despite everything we now know; I see many supposedly spiritual people  defending them, and defending a rapist- Josh Duggar.

     While coping with the injustices of my own experiences, my own abuse, sexually, spiritually and otherwise I always look to other similar circumstances to feel hope. I think to myself that maybe even though I did not find justice some other victim can. Then it feels in a way that I have found justice too. So it is incredibly saddening to watch this current scandal in all its unjust horror being played out. To say that life is not fair or that there are bad people out there does not even begin to cut it when an explanation for such atrocities is not only needed, but deserved.

And Mike Huckabee can go stick it where the sun doesn't shine.

Today is our day- Happy Mothers day

Today is our day.

Today we deserve to take hold of the revolutionary idea that we can make today about us.

We can leave guilt behind; it is not our choices that have created a rift between ourselves and our mothers. It is not our choices that have reaped consequences and therefore it is not our responsibility to shoulder them. 

     

We may feel alone but it is not something we have done to ourselves, it is not a choice, we are not to blame. And even though it feels like we are the ones left in isolation and pain because our mothers refuse to shoulder the burden of hurt, it does not make it our fault. We experience pain because of the loss, rejection and abuse and just because they won't own up to it does not mean we have to carry all of it. It is not ours to carry. We can forgive ourselves because we have done nothing wrong, we are not the reason things have failed, crashed and burned. 

    

We sometimes end up taking on more of the injury and damage than is truly ours. It's okay to let it go, it doesn't mean we are irresponsible or ignoring the hurt, we are just taking care of the only portion that is actually ours and shifting the rest of the burden where it belongs. Narcissists and abusive parents have a tendency of gaslighting, causing damage and then walking away with no repercussions. When their kid is left with all the repercussions it can feel like it is their fault, they end up carrying the hurt while the parent has little to no damage. The walking away is to teach the kid, trick the kid, that all the responsibility for that hurt is theirs and that they must have done something wrong or the parent would still be around or would have owned their part. But that is not how narcissists and abusive parents operate, they will never own their part, so let's not own it for them. Let's dump all the blame and guilt we place on ourselves and put it into their corner, even if just in our minds. 

We can feel sad today and grieve our losses, but let's not be sad because we think it is something we have done to deserve it. That we have somehow chosen self exile and self inflicting pain. It's not true. Let's not hold onto sadness with guilt and self depreciation because we think we could have done better, chosen different. It's not true. The only ones who could have done better and chosen different are the mothers (parents) who have created isolation and estrangement. They choose their behavior and the consequences are theirs whether they pretend they are or not.  They did all the damage, and inflicted the hurt. 

   

Today is about us, about letting go of the things we did not do and loving ourselves and our inner child. Today is about celebrating the mother within who has nurtured and coached us back to health and well being. We can celebrate how amazing and wondrous it is that we have the capacity to do that, how much we grow and that we have done it all without our dysfunctional parents. 

We are quite amazing!

Happy Mothers day to us.

Do not turn yourself inside out

I really liked this quote; I always seem to find things like this when I really need them.

A wave of sadness had hit me yesterday, in part because I was still trying to recover and process from a nightmare the night before. I had this horrible dream Other Child was dying and there was nothing I could do about it. I was at their bedside forced with having to let them go. I think a dream like that is fairly representative of how I am still sorting through my feelings after making the choice to go no contact. Sometimes making a choice like that when faced with an abusive family system (their way of thinking) you have to think of things in very black and white terms and be as unemotional as you can. If you let your emotions get involved there is a greater chance of getting hoovered back into the family. It's because you care, love them despite everything  and feel guilt not only because it seem you are hurting them but because you have been trained to accept all responsibility for any problems and issues. You have also been trained to think you are "the bad one" that they only want whats best for you, and that you have emotional issues and cannot see clearly. It's easy to believe them- that's why you almost have to completely shut that part of yourself off when you decide to leave. But in the aftermath all that pain from separation comes flooding in because you are in a safe space to feel it. And all the doubts flood back in as well. Did you make a terrible mistake, couldn't you have gone about things differently?

      I was feeling the sadness and doubt yesterday. I though about Other Child and because it's easy for me to put myself in their shoes I feel bad. They are likely genuinely hurt, and I feel horrible about that. I also think they do not understand and that makes the hurt worse. I thought about starting a series of posts here were I could write letters to them (even if they never read them) and explain myself better, that now that I have some distance I could communicate in a more mature way. I thought maybe this would create understanding and diminish the idea that I am hurtful on purpose and that I am selfish and hateful.  I just want to tell them that everything really makes sense and that it wasn't a decision based out of spite or a lack of caring about them. I can hear them in my head telling me that "If you really cared you would have stuck around to work things out, you wouldn't have isolated yourself, you isolate everybody". But then I am faced with the sticking point that never goes away. They are entrenched in the family program and they don't have any idea. Their idea of our relationship is that family comes first and it doesn't matter what they do you let it go and move on. Their idea of working on our relationship was to blame me for all of its problems. And to be fair I certainly share a portion of the hurt. But never were they willing to think or admit that they shared a portion as well. It would have been a one dimensional relationship at best. Even if we were to leave the family issues and some of our issues to the side there was dysfunction in some very basic aspects of the relationship. If they said something in a tone that felt hurtful I could not tell them without launching into an endless spiraling argument were my words would be twisted and they would put up a defense and shift any blame back to me. 

     It is still hard even knowing that. I don't hate them, and still care about them. And because of this I fall into thinking "if only I had done something different". In a way trying to shoulder the blame and responsibility gives me more of a feeling of control over the situation than the unfortunate reality in which I have none, and I have to deal with the loss of the relationship. It's hard because I know how they think, I know how the majority of my family thinks and I react to this in ways where I try to fix things and make it  better, do better, seem more grown up and mature so that maybe then they will have nothing bad to say about me, or can't blame me, or finally see that I am telling the truth and I am not hateful and on an mission to hurt them. It is hard because I have still cared what they think- I have given them all a great deal of power by caring what they think of me and desperately trying to fix that image.

     I felt like they could still hurt me if they didn't see the truth of things, if they participated in trashing me in family wide smear campaigns. I felt like they still had a power over my life and I have wanted to do damage control. At times I have, and sometimes making those statements to speak for yourself is important. But the truth is they all live in a bubble, and all things they have hurt by smear campaigns and disbelief are in that bubble. And anyone who does not stop to think or bother to ask me was always going to be part of that bubble. While it feels like I have lost everything- and that is a very real feeling worthy of honoring the grief attached- I have not lost anything that was not already lost to begin with. My families power stops there in the bubble, and they have no further power unless I give it to them and  I am coming to recognize the reality that I cannot turn myself inside out, trying to explain myself to people who refuse to see me, I am beginning to know who I am. 

Spring

               

Friday March 20th was the first day of spring and also Ostara (Eostre) marking a time of new beginnings and a change in the season. It's a good time to do spring cleaning and think about the year gone by. 

                                                     The Dream                           The Reality

      As always it is easy to come into this time of year with lots of ambitions and ideas for how to change your life. You have your dream self that you hope you turn into, and then the day to day reality of how it feels to get there. But looking back over the year it is helpful to remind yourself of how far you have come and it doesn't matter how much Ben and Jerry's it took to get there, or how many times you crawled back into bed to wait on a better day- to come out again.



   

Mary means well, mostly.

   
     Many of the well meaning people I have run into over the years have a few key similarities.  Often my experience is so outside of their own they cannot find a way to relate, and so when they offer advice they are reaching for anything that seems remotely applicable. My experience is disheartening and difficult to hear about so sometimes they would prefer not to hear about it at all, and their trite and contrived expressions to me are generally a sign of their shields going up. They completely relate to my experience and want to dive right into being friends, giving advice but it comes out badly because they are only drawing on what few things they know and they apply it like it is truth.

Note: I use the term well meaning person or individual not in an everyday normative sense; I am specifically applying it to those persons or individuals who seem well meaning but fall outside the norm due to lack of being self reflexive.

      Recently I had connected with an individual who shared a lot of similarities to my background and experiences. This was great, I really appreciate connecting with people who can understand where I am coming from. I had originally felt like they didn't want any more friends and were to busy but after a recent conversation it seemed we could be friends and would have a lot to share. I shared resources and ideas and they countered with something they had found to be really helpful. I thought about what they suggested and mentioned my hesitation to them about trying it and ultimately decided it was not for me (at least for the moment) but I would keep it in mind and see where I was at down the road. I said no (though I did elaborate to them a bit why). I did this in writing because I often communicate thoughts more clearly using that method. I got a letter back and some of the highlights ( I am paraphrasing) were: they thought I was afraid, and that I was an isolator. They tried to say that this was okay because they had been and isolator too. They shared some of their own very personal experiences to show me that I had nothing to be embarrassed about.  They unintentionally devalaued my experiences. My reasons were not reasonable enough, my experiences were not not reasonable enough because "look they had overcome all of those things".
  They finished by telling me that they are a blunt personality and that I would see that is just how they are. Forgive me but that is not being blunt, that is having an opinion which you think is right and therefore that you are right about everyone else and their experiences.

      I should have mentioned this in my list of key similarities in well meaning people I have run into; one of the reasons those in my life have applied their opinion like it is truth is because they feel as a Christian they are wiser and do know better. They often seem to feel like they can speak to others from a place of authority or prophecy, that they can convey Gods wisdom on another persons life and decisions.  When engaging with this particular well meaning person I really felt that their faith was certainly involved in the equation, from the tool/resource they suggested, to their sense of authority in suggesting it (it being the truth, and their being an elder in age).

     This person did not hear me, listen to me or respect my 'No!' or my personal experiences I was bringing to the table. They didn't stop to think about how I might feel and how that might be relevant. It's like they didn't really see me at all. They wanted to help, but whom were they trying to help me or them? I really think themselves through re-affirming what they felt they knew by telling it to me. When they didn't acknowledge what I was saying, but invalidated it they made it so I was not a part of the conversation. And when you have a conversation where you are talking at someone but not allowing them to participate you are projecting. This is really about the well meaning persons own fears and insecurities and that they are trying to work them out by talking "at you". Not only that their choice to not really hear you could stem from the fact that if you don't agree, you are not in alignment with them and they begin to question themselves, and this can cause them to be fearful and create their need to feel affirmed (talking at you and affirming their own opinions and values).

     Yes they had good intentions at the start but a well meaning person (as I am defining them here) is not developed in themselves enough to not project those good intentions with wisdom and a sense of contentedness to others. This is not always a character failing, sometimes its because the well meaning person has found themselves in difficult life circumstances, and their own need for affirmation is greater than their sense of being grounded and thoughtful. When it is a character failing it can be attached to narcissistic, selfish (normal not narc), disconnected personalities. When I think of Mary Crawford from Jane Austen's Mansfield Park; I think of someone not fully developed and grounded in themselves. She is not a one dimensional character because that sense of lack, the circumstances and experiences that created it creates complexity and dimension. Her shortcomings do not simply make her bad, but perhaps her lack of knowing better or choosing not to do better makes her sad.

    I always felt it was sad that she had these moments were she could have chosen a different path but choose to stay with what she knew, or felt lacking in the necessary tools and understanding. Perhaps like many well meaning people she wants to do good but doesn't know how. Therefore she does not think evil but ends up speaking it, as it is the only script she learned and does not know how to learn a new one. She also does not know how to engage with others in a way that is not self motivating. A sign of her disconnectedness at the core. Just like some well meaning individuals are not able to engage without projecting or wanting you to be what they envision. Edmund's faults aside for a moment Mary's attentions to him were disconnected, a game, and she tried to project and push him to fit what she envisions. And she does not see anything wrong with this vision because she is not self reflexive (many well meaning individuals are not). In fact she is so confident in her opinions that she completely assumes to know the feelings of the family and then dictate to them what they should do with Crawford and Maria's affair because she is worldly and experienced therefore right.

     This assumption is what differentiates the type of well meaning person (and Mary) I am describing and the more normal  day to day situations in which people engage with one another. I have often tried to fix things for others out of good intentions and found it to not be helpful. But unlike Mary Crawford I don't operate from this assumptive mode of thinking as a constant, I am also self reflexive and observant when engaging with others. I might even ask if what I said was unhelpful, something Mary would not necessarily think to do. If you worry that something you said was not helpful you are self reflexive. I have mentioned in the previous post how sometimes we are telling our own stories when giving someone advice, and if we are truly engaged with the other person we will usually end up seeing that is what we have done and then re-frame our approach, ask questions and work to engage better.

     I wrote them another letter in response in addition to communicating by text message. I indicated I saw the good intentions and appreciated that they wanted to share with me. I was attempting to be graceful when texting because blowing up would not have been helpful, but I wish that I had communicated that their words were hurtful when I sent my last response letter. If I have the opportunity to connect with them again at some point I can relay how that made me feel. They never responded to my last letter or said anything about it when I saw them afterwards.
I get the feeling that I am not what they hoped or envisioned I would be.

The Mary Crawford's of the world

     I have once again arrived at a place where I am angry at yet another well meaning individual.

     Maybe I am not so much angry at them as I am at what they represent in my life. All the years of well meaning people saying and doing incredibly hurtful things because they didn't understand, didn't know better or because they thought they did know better. You can usually see the concern, pity or look of "I've been there I get this". You can see that they want to fix things, want to share, and their intentions come from that place. However they are the Mary Crawford's of the world and as Edmund in Mansfield park sensibly says "She does not think evil but she speaks it". I frequently say that there are many occasions when people with good intentions end of being harbingers of bad things, more so than those that truly intend on doing so.  And the problem is what to do with them? Ideally your are supposed to see the good intentions behind whatever they are saying, obviously ignore the advice but then what? What do adequate boundaries look like when you meet a Mary Crawford?

     Boundaries are necessary and Mary Crawford's good intentions do not excuse them of responsibility for what they say. How you approach things depends on the type of Mary C you have encountered. How solid your relationship is with them will guide your decision in regards to how you  communicate that you see the good intentions, but inform them that some of it caused hurt or is misguided. Be gentle but strong (Christina Enevoldsen words) when dealing with an Mary Crawford. They often have no idea that they have been insensitive, completely misunderstood, or missed some of the greater complexities of things. However it is not your job to educate them or to help change their general lack of awareness; if you have the time and energy to do so great! If not let them be on their way.

     A Mary Crawford's advice is also often reflective of their own story. We are all guilty of this from time to time because we generally try to relate to others through our own experiences. However the difference is that a Mary Crawford is not conscious enough to share things without projecting herself onto you, which is different than a shared experience that serves for understanding or empathy. This projection also tends to be paired with a sense that their experiences have given them answers- the right answers. Somehow they always know best, but they are not drawing on anything outside of themselves. Mary Crawford in Mansfield park seemed to exist in her own world, and could not incorporate others differences or differences of feeling and thought into her understanding. This is especially true if the Mary C is going through their own difficulties in life, and their expressions to you will be especially influenced by this.

     Can a Mary Crawford be a flying monkey? I think there is that potential if they were to meet a Narcissist, to be sucked in, turning their well intended advice towards the narcissists target.

     In situations in the past I have played the role of the nice girl (nice girl syndrome), and thought feeling angry at any Mary Crawford was petty because "they didn't mean it" and that I was just taking it too personally. But just because I understand where someone might be coming from does not mean that I let them walk all over me "unintentionally" like a door mat. I was brought up with the idea that it was my fault if I took something personally, and that when others behaved in a hurtful or bullying manner- to let it go because engaging them would only make it worse. But with bully's and Mary Crawford's who are not conscious of their behaviors (or even if they are) it may take a very firm "stop it" to get their attention. I have learned this with my family when Vaarsuvius went about on a smear campaign. Engaging them on certain points- fruitless. Telling other families members in simple statements that V does not speak for me- priceless. Simple statements that are clear and concise can be key- there is nothing extra to extrapolate from them so no fodder for a narcissists victim campaign.
No more nice girl! I get to say when someone has hurt my feelings or was perhaps not being thoughtful. It doesn't make me one dimensional- just angry . It makes me gentle and strong; and it makes it so I will not become a  victim of well meaning  persons ie. Mary Crawford.